Mona's Birthday

 Today is my sister's birthday. This relatively minor bit of information has become a real source of conflict within me.

In our long and oft times troubled relationship, there has never been a time when I have not made it a priority to make sure that I reached out with birthday wishes to her. During the last 5 years,the mere proximity of her living in our house made it impossible for me to not acknowledge the day.

Before that, no matter how strained the relationship or how estranged she was from the rest of the family, I made sure to wish her a happy birthday ,so that in fact she knew that she had family who cared for her,no matter what.

Sadly, I suppose, that is no longer the case.

Fortunately, she moved out almost 5 months ago. My contact with her since then has been minimal at best.

As for "the family that cares for her", I can't say that exists. with the exception of my brother, who thankfully has stepped up and made sure that on a monthly basis her bills are getting paid and checks in to make sure she is okay.

There is no relationship with anyone else in the clan. My immediate family is and has been done with her for years.As for myself, any bridges that may have existed have been more than just burned. They have been obliterated.

Therein lies the conflict.

Since the deaths of both my mother and my father, I have been haunted by the same thoughts.

Did I do enough?

Was I there enough for them?

Did I do my best for them?

Did I give my all for them?

Was I a good son to them?

Could I have done more?

In the end it all boils down to one undeniable core value that has motivated me all of my life.

Did I in fact, honor my mother and father?

There is no answer to that.

At least none that quiets the unending questioning that haunts me in the wee hours of the morning,like now, when I should be sleeping.

Now that guilt has bled over to my sister.

I have no need or desire to be party to rebuilding those burnt bridges. Reaching out with birthday greetings would be hollow on my part.

I certainly will not be part of any bridge building or reconstruction. If there was ever to be a new bridge, I am certain it would have to be without any effort on my part.

There are about 23 hours left in this day for me to wrestle with this conundrum.

Will I feel better having made the simple gesture of sending a text?

Or will I hate myself come this time tomorrow having missed an opportunity to do the "right" thing?

I guess I will have to keep kicking that particular can down the road over what's left of my day.

Once again, no simple answer.

Only more questions and self doubts.

Ne'ila

 Ten years ago,I was in the U.K. for the High Holidays. It was the first time in 48 years that I was not observing the holidays at my synagogue here in Paramus. Other than a wonderful Rosh Hashana lunch with our host family and business partners, the holidays were an unmitigated disaster for me.Depression barely describes what I was feeling.

That was until late on Yom Kippur afternoon when we finally made our way to a Masorti synagogue in London. We were invited to attend the last services of the day with some machatunim (relatives of sorts).

We arrived at the shul just in time for Mincha, the afternoon service.Much to my delight, the tunes and the ambiance were very familiar to me. For the first time that holiday season, it really felt like the Yom Tovim (holidays) to me.

The synagogue we were at was under renovation. The walls were unpainted and you could see all sorts of projects that had to be addressed.Still,there was this sense of kehilah, community, that I had missed so much before walking in that afternoon. Before starting Ne'ila, the final service for Yom Kippur,the Rabbi took a few minutes to address the congregation,as probably all rabbis do.After 24 hours of prayer and fasting, it was a chance for him to kind of wrap things up while he still had everyone's attention.He introduced us to his family,thanked those who had participated in leading services,and gave all of us brave souls in attendance a hardy Yasher Koach (congratulations) for hanging in all day.

He then went on to take a moment to explain where in the service we were and what he believed was the true purpose of the Ne'ila service.

He shared that while it was true that Yom Kippur, the holiest of the Holy Days, is a time for repentance, in his eyes, Ne'ila was a time for something else. After 24 hours of asking for forgiveness for whatever it was we felt we needed to be forgiven for, it was now time to give thanks .Thanks for another year. Thank for all that we have. Thanks for the opportunity for a future, a tomorrow.

I was 55 years old and had never experienced that version of Ne'ila before.

It changed my life.

It has been exactly 1 month since I said good-bye to you. It was such a painful choice yet truly one I had to make.

Now,as yet another Yom Kippur has come and gone, the Ne'ila message I received 10 years ago is stronger and louder than ever.

I am thankful for all that I have.

I am thankful for another year.

I am thankful for the future , for another tomorrow.

And I am most thankful for the opportunity to share it all with you once again.

Gemar chatima tova.

May you be sealed for good [in the Book of Life]