How am I doin' Friday

“There is nothing better than the encouragement of a good friend.”

Katharine Butler Hathaway

So it's another How am I doin' Friday, the last one for July 2020,on the last day of July 2020.

I am 12 days into my 40 day cycle and things are what they re. As I said last week, I've done this before. There are no surprises and as I learned a long time ago,when you're on the rollercoaster,remember to keep the bar down.

5 days after buying Susan a new car, my mechanic called.

"Hey....remember that car I said that might be available,well it is now....".

Of course it is!

Moving on......

I contemplated picking it up for myself since I don't have one.

The truth of the matter is I really don't need one nowadays.

I drive the bus daily and don't get home until 1.

With Max working only 3 days a week,and 2 cars on the driveway daily after 6 pm,I can more than manage without the expense of another vehicle.

As I said,movin' on.

We are wrapping up Dolly's 5th week since her surgery.

10 more days until I get to sleep in my bed again.

Now there's something I am looking forward to.

A friend stopped by yesterday and we chatted about how this has been and continues to be the summer that wasn't. No barbecues.

No trips to the shore.

No swim parties.

Lots and lots of at home , inside time.

It's really not even fun sitting outdoors. It's been hot. It's been humid.

And the mosquitos are in abundance.

Just not all that enjoyable out there.

So we hunker down for more quarantine.

Thank goodness for Netflix!

Shabbat Shalom!

Reminder

"Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going."

Jim Rohn

 When my friend Doug Smith launched his new Facebook Page What did you learn today?" I was reminded of a time when I did something similar.

About 7 years ago, shortly after I started writing on a daily regularly.I added a nightly email about gratitude.

Each night I would post 3 things I was grateful for.

It wasn't as if before that I was ungrateful.

The exercise of specifically taking note of these 3 things helped to make me remember just how much I have to be grateful for.

The same is true with Doug's new project.

I have never stopped learning.

Learning is growing and if I am not growing I am dying.

This is a great way for me to remind myself to learn. And to be grateful.

And to be aware.

It is even a great reminder when it comes to taking care of myself. How easy it was and has been for me to forget that during this quarantine.

Speaking of reminders, my calendar reminded me today that it's my friend Tom's birthday.

Tom passed away a short while ago.

I don't need a reminder to miss him.

Hardly a day goes by without some memory or thought of him.

Still, the email that I received reminding me that today is Tom's birthday waas a gift.

So Happy Birthday my friend.

Today's song of the day is for you!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9cWPbLxtsLs

What did I learn today?

“Believe in yourself, in your vision for your future and in your ability to take a small step each day toward achieving your vision.”

Jonathan Lockwood Huie

My friend Doug posted a new link on Facebook yesterday.His new page asks the question "what did you learn today?".

Fascinating!

Of course I bought in and responded by posting something.Here is a link to Doug's new Facebook page :https://dougsmithtraining.blogspot.com/p/what-have-you-learned-today.html.

As I drove my route this morning, I couldn't help but to think of what I may learn today.

Late into my run, I had an aha moment.

As much as I love the question Doug posed,I understood that WHAT I learn is secondary to WHY I learn.

Learning something, a skill, or a fact is a what proposition.

I am and always have been a why kind of guy.

One is a tool,the other an action.

Once again my world was turned upside down when I opened today's Darren Daily.

Darren and Doug must be drinking from the same Kool Aid .

Darren shared his thoughts after watching a South Park episodes called Gnomes.

The big take away for meis when Darren said knowledge (what we learn) is only 10% of learning. What we do with that knowledge is the other 90%.

What vs. Why.

The Universe must be reaching out to me.

These things don't just happen.

This is what I learned today!

Thanks Doug & Darren!

Not so much today

"The way we do anything is the way we do everything. "

Martha Beck

On a day that started with the scale not being very friendly to me, yesterday was quite an enjoyable day.

For some unknown reason, I had plenty of energy.

The aches and pains that normally start the minute I get out of bed, weren't all that bad.

The shirt I picked for the day wasa bit more form fitting than I like , however,I actually felt good about it and the way it looked on me.

On my bus route,traffic seemed to flow nicely. Every traffic signal seemed to turn green as I approached.

Even the other drivers on the highways and byways were acting in a considerate manner.

It was day 8 on the program and my meals were tasty,plentiful and satisfying.

I was upbeat and yes, it was an enjoyable day.

Today,well, not so much.

The scale was actually much nicer to me today than it was yesterday.

However from there things seemed to come apart.

Nothing horrible mind you.

Just slightly out of whack.

Everywhere!

I wrote about this phenomenon a while ago.

I call it the stub your toe phenomen.

You know ,one of those days when the first thing you do in the morning is stub your toe.

After that, you notice your sock has a hole in it.

The shirt you picked out has a stain on it.

You get the picture.

That is the kind of day I have been having.

On my bus route, each and every pot hole seemed deeper. Every manhole cover seemed to have been raised 2 inches.

And it felt as if someone had replaced all 4 of my tires with cinder blocks.

Traffic was unyielding.

There was a garbage truck or landscaper's truck or some service vehicle around every corner.

Physically, I just felt out of sorts.

I caught myself on numerous occasions taking a deep cleansing breath just to steady my nerves, to no avail.

The good news is that I recognized all of this early on.

I didn't get frustrated by it. I didn't fight it.

I didn't even question it.

Instead I hunkered down, carried on, finished my run and came home and laid down for an hour.

Just enough time to hit the pause button.

I didn't go to my computer to check emails.

I didn't empty my bag which I do at the end of my daily run.

I just laid down.

After an hour or so, I got up.

I did some dishes.

I put away some things that needed to go in the fridge.

I prepared some lunch and sat down for some more quiet time.

No pressure.

No goals other than to get past whatever cosmic abnormalities were affecting me.

Funny thing is that this too is starting to feel like an enjoyable day as well!

Cars, Coffee pots or Countertops

“You cannot control everything that happens to you; you can only control the way you respond to what happens. In your response is your power.”

Anonymous

Whether I am purchasing a new car, a new coffee pot or new countertops, my number one concern is value.

Is there value in what I am paying ?

I think that's why I often find myself struggling to make a choice to spend my money,my hard earned money.

A few months ago, our coffee pot stopped working.

I loved my coffee pot.

It had all sorts of bells and whistles.

Automatic on and off.

A preset feature with a timer.

The filter basket pulled out easily for quick and clean access.

It had a clock to tell time.

It was the best coffee pot ever!

I had to replace it immediately.

(Imagine morning without coffee?.......Ridiculous!)

I went on line to find a new one.

$115.

$175.

$89.

$275.

$19.99.

Hmmmm.....which one makes the best coffee?

Being in a rush and not having the time or the desire to put a lot of energy into this, I ordered and paid for it on line,drove to the store,picked it up and in a matter of minutes I was back in the coffee business.

It has literally been 8 months since I brought it home.

I have mad at least 3 pots of coffee every day.

I have made coffee for myself, for friends and for family.

No one has complained about the coffee.

No one has said "no thank you" when I offer up a cup.

$19.99.....that's had value!

I'm not cheap.

I'm not miserly.

I'm not even frugal.

I just want value when I buy something.

The next big expense for us will be the new countertops for the kitchen.

If you have ever bought countertops, you know they ain't cheap.

$50/sq.ft. seems to be the starting point.

I need many square feet!

While speaking with a friend of mine the other day , who is in the middle of a remodel, he mentioned that he got a great deal on his granite counters.

$19/sq.'.

WTF!

Why am I paying 3 times that amount?

Where is the value in that.

Same thing happened when I was searching for someone to sand and spackle the room I am currently working on.

5 contractors quoted the job all in the $2500-$3000 range .

Are you nuts?

I know how much work this iis (or isn't).

Fimal cost..............$625!

VALUE!

I have some more thoughts on this I'll share later on.

I think there is something important in this!

Champagne Taste

“When it rains look for rainbows, when it's dark look for stars”

~ Oscar Wilde

Champagne taste on a beer budget.

Am I really that person?

I don't believe I am.

This car shopping thing does have me questioning myself though.

I know I don't need or for that matter want the highest end SUV available.

For me it's all about function,then comfort and a touch of style.

It's also about value.

As a teenager,I remember Ricardo Mantalban enticing me with the feel of rich Corinthian leather (whatever that is).

To be honest, I don't like leather seats.

When it's hot, they stick to your ass.

I could care less if my dashboard had walnut trim or not.

What I do want is a reliable comfortable car that fits my lifestyle.

The beer budget does play a part in this.

I have seen some vehicles that I would really like. They are twice as expensive as what I can afford.

Really nice,just too expensive.

Besides, what do I really need in a car?

More than the basics , that's for sure.

I used to have a business associate who would survey what everyone else at the table was eating.

While he never had a problem choosing his meal, he always checked out the other plates on the table.

The result?

He was always disappointed in what he had ordered.

He never seemed to enjoy or be satisfied with his own meal.

He didn't just appreciate the other meals. He was desirous.

It was comical as well as sad.

I finally bit the bullet yesterday. We needed to resolve the car situation sooner than later.

Susan had some wants as well as some "it would be nice" items.

She got her wants and maybe even a few nice.

For me, the low miles,overall condition and concerns about future maintenance and repair won out.

The truth is, I am neither a beer or champagne kind of guy.

A glass of water will quench my thirst, but every once in a while some ice tea sure is a refreshing treat!

Shavua Tov!

Still living in that same cursed house.

"Leaders lacking courage don't lead long."

-- doug smith

Once again I find myself living in the cursed house of lack.

The really stupid part is it's an imaginary house.

In fact, it's not a house, it's a self imposed mental penitentiary.

I have to get a car.

It is becoming more and more difficult for 3 adults to function with 1 vehicle.

It worked for a short while, but with Max starting a new job,albeit very part time and Susan's treatment schedule,the balancing act is teetering at best.

So I have begun a more aggressive search.

At first I thought,maybe something inexpensive.

Not a piece of junk ,but "well" used.

In my mind I had a number,$3000.

Everything that might work was closer to $5000.

So I said,maybe I will take on payments.

With a few grand down, I could keep the payments reasonable.

Slowly but surely as I searched, the price tags have gone up.

It doesn't make sense to take on payments for a car with 100k miles on it. So let's not look at any thing with more than 80k.

Okay,I found a few,however,if I can just raise the bar a bit I can get a car with under 50k miles. Move the bar a bit more and I can get a car with under 30k miles.

Before you know it, the monthly payment has gone from easy, to not terrible,to how did I get here!

When I take a step back,and stop living in Lack Penitentiary,there is no real excuse not to buy a car that is safe,and will last us for a decade.

Still,I can't seem to free myself from this self imposed isle of need.

Dumb,dumb, dumb!

The silly part is if I were coaching you or anyone else it would take me but a few minutes to help you see just how foolish that kind of thinking is.

I would have you zooming about town in the blink of an eye.

But when it comes to myself?

I'll be hitchhiking until I am 85 if I don't find a way to get over myself.

Like I said......

Dumb,dumb, dumb and dumber!

Shabbat Shalom!

How Am I Doin' Friday

“The less I take the difficulties of my life as personal affront, and the more I use them as an opportunity to learn and grow...

the easier I sleep at night.”

Mary Anne Radmacher

Today is day 5 of my 40 day program.

Not much to report.

I've done this before and I am sure I will do it again in the future.

I have been at this weight thing for so long that I no longer get excited or upset by what the scale says.

As I said to my brother, it's a grind.

It's the first time I have done the program under "quarantine".

That certainly has added a new dimension to things.

There are no social engagements to work around.

Grabbing "something" on the go is not part of my routine since it would require wearing a mask.

I am hoping that the limits that the Covid protocols have imposed on my life will actually be a positive thing during these 40 days.

So that part of my life is doing just fine.

I have been much more diligent about keeping up with the whole moving around thing.

I'm not running marathons or anything like that, however, I do make the extra EFFORT to do rather than to not do.

So I suppose that this part of my life is doing just fine as well.

The part of my life where I was having some trepidation was once again with my writing.

The whole angry thing has become a bit of an issue for me. So much so that I began questioning whether or not I should continue to write .

I contemplated taking a break.

That was until I received an email from someone yesterday thanking me once again for sharing.

I rarely hear from her,however she shared that she reads my emails daily..

She also shared how much they mean to her and how much they help.

So there you go. That's all I needed to hear. You're stuck with me!

At least for the immediate future.

Oh come on.....that's not really such a bad thing is it?

Shabbat Shalom!

Must be something in the air

"One who gains strength by overcoming obstacles possesses the only strength which can overcome adversity."

Albert Schweitzer

There must be something in the air!

While driving my bus yesterday,I contemplated writing about values and responsibility.

I find that when I am true to my values,I am more likely to be responsible for my actions.

They say that the truth will set you free.

Truth is based on values.

I never got around to writing yesterday. I just didn't feel up to par.

Additionally, I didn't want to rant and rave.

So I kind of stayed away from my computer. Today when I had some tie to go back on what I had missed, I saw a blog post from my friend, mentor,colleague and fraternity brother Doug Smith.

His post started:Values - how you choose to live your life. 

https://highperformanceleadership.blogspot.com/2020/07/leadership-character.html?

Wow! like I said. There must be something in the air.

The Universe has to be sending a message.

How you choose to live your life!

Or how you choose to lead your life.

Do you?

Or do you let life lead you?

When I listen to my heart,when I let the values that are paramount to me come to the forefront,I am in control. I am leading my life,not the other way around.

A life without values is a life without value!

(Hey...I like that one!)

Thanks Doug.

I needed your assist on this one!

Here we go again!

“You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who can do nothing for them or to them.”

Malcolm S. Forbes

I just got an email informing me that the school district where I teach my adult education classes will only be offering online access for the Fall semester.

What Bulls#!t!

I have had enough with this social distancing/mask wearing nonsense.

And for anyone who is saying "David stop being so angry" I say why?

Why should I not be angry.

You say "The science says".

Others say"no it doesn't".

I say,adults should be able to figure out a way be personally aware and responsible.

I teach in a normal size classroom.

I have 4-8 people per class.

Certainly never more than 10.

If responsible adults can't figure out how to safely interact in that type of setting we are doomed.

If you want to have temperature checks on the way into the building,okay, I get that.

Probably not a bad idea.

But all of the rest of it is like throwing darts at a dart board blindfolded and in the dark,

something any normal person who has even a modicum of self awareness and personal responsibility probably wouldn't do either.

If a person chooses to err on the side of caution,to wear a mask, to not get closer than 6',to wear a rubber body suit, that's their choice.

My choice is to lead my life as close to what I consider normal as I can.

If I am teaching a yoga class,and I don't wear a mask and you can't live with that, don't take my yoga class. There are probably other yoga classes you can take.

Not since my college days have I ever gotten behind the wheel of a car with any alcohol in my system.

I am willing to bet that I am the exception rather than the norm when I say that.

Talk about socially irresponsible.

I listened quietly to a Zoom call the other day.

I heard all of the sky is continuing to fall rhetoric that I have been subject to for 5 months now.

I am so done with it.

So do me a favor,stop telling me that this shouldn't make me angry. It does.

And unfortunately I have to put up with it.

Not by choice but by edict.

When it's hot it's hot!

“The voyage of discovery is not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.”

Marcel Proust

When temperatures climb to nearly 100 degrees,the word EFFORT takes on a new meaning.

Everything you do takes an extra EFFORT.

Climbing in and out of the bus,walking down the street,going to the store all come with the burden of the oppressive unrelenting temperature.

Even driving the bus takes more EFFORT. The blazing sun and high temps superheat the windows and windshield making it feel like I am in a sauna.

As much as I have committed to add more effort to the things I do on a daily basis, I am mindful that this heat is no joke.

So I move just a little slower than I would like to.

I drink more water.

I make calculated choices .....like do I really need to shop today or can it wait until this heat breaks a bit.

For me,doing too much on 100 degree days is more important than many of the other precautions we have all added to our lives during the Covid 19 era.

This isn't an excuse to not put forth extra EFFORT.

On the contrary,it actually makes me more mindful and attentive to where my EFFORT is directed.

July Word of the Month

Effort

1: conscious exertion of power : hard work

2: a serious attempt : TRY

3: something produced by exertion or trying

4: the total work done to achieve a particular end

My July word of the Month is EFFORT.

If I want to be better,all it takes is EFFORT.

I'm not talking about a huge ,move mountain type of EFFORT.

More like a "how about a little bit of EFFORT",EFFORT.

Over the last few months it has become way to easy to not pt in the EFFORT.

In the early days of the quarantine, when the grocery stores and markets were a madhouse and those of us over 65 were dissuaded from participating in the world at large,, others shopped for me. That was easy.

It also contribute the beginning of this lazy stage of my life.

If you haven't heard me mention this in the past, I hate wearing masks.

I know,shocking revelation huh!

So when someone else offered to do things for me,yep,you got it,more lazy.

Lazy started to creep into every aspect of my life.

All of my good habits quickly fell to the ayside,without me really being all that aware of just how far off track I was going.

And all of this is due to a lack of EFFORT on my part.

My aha moment just now was maybe it's time for me to re-read The Compound Effect" by Darren Hardy.

My current state of affairs is a direct result of the compound effect of lazy choices .

I didn't go on a binge of any sort.

I just made easy small choices in the wrong direction which day after day,week after week and now month after month , have taken me way off course.

There is no doubling back.

I don't have a magic transporter that would allow me to push a button and poof, zoom me back to a better place. The only way back is to make a conscientious choice to make an EFFORT .

When I finish writing, instead of opening Youtube or Facebook on my computer, get off my ass and walk around a bit.

Garbage can getting a bit full?

Instead of trying to squeeze more in, get off my ass and go get empty into the trash.

Need something from the store?

Go get it (even if it means putting on that stupid mask for 10 minutes).

As I sit here in my family room,I can see how a lack of EFFORT can have a huge effect on the status quo.

Pick up the throw pillow that fell on the floor,even though it's just as easy to walk past it.

Make a pile of yesterday's and the day before's and the day before that's newspaper. Even better, tak them all,puthem in a bag and take them to the recycling center.

A little EFFORT makes a huge difference.

Just that simple.

And if you do it enough, it actually becomes a habit,even EFFORTLESS.

Shabbat Shalom!

How'm I doin' Friday

“Never regret a day in your life. Good days bring you happiness and bad days give you experience.”

Unknown

It's been quite some time since I've done a How Am I Doing Friday.

Like many others, this quarantine has had some adverse effects on me and it is time to address them.

My weight is an issue.

My health is not great.

I have become sedentary.

My emotional well being isn't at an all time high for sure.

Mentally I don't feel as sharp as I would like to be.

I am not as motivated as I normally am.

I certainly don't feel challenged or excited about anything.

And my hair and beard are out of control!

So it's time to do something about all of this.

For starters,on Monday I will go back on program.

It's just time.

Committing myself to do this has already had a positive effect on my general mood.

I need to start moving more, that's for sure.

I think if I can a) get on program and b) start moving around more,a lot of the other stuff will start to change as well.

That doesn't mean I'm getting a haircut,however, I may trim my mustache just a bit.

I'll let you know next week how all of this is going. In the meantime...have a great weekend!

Shabbat Shalom!

I want to be upbeat,but...........

“Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today.”

Thich Nhat Hanh

It was a nice cool Summer morning today. For the first time in weeks, I was able to drive the first 1/2 hour of my day with the window open.

The humidity was low and there was just enough grey in the sky to shield me from the Sun which has been a challenge lately.

This made for an enjoyable start to my day.

By the time I loaded today's meal deliveries onto the bus, things heated up enough to make me decide to close the windows and turn on the a/c.

Still, the pleasant start bode well for a nice day.

That is until I listened to a voicemail from my cousin's friend. She was struggling coping with Barry's last few days.

She and another friend had been in contact with him going into the weekend.

He had developed an upper respiratory infection. For someone with his comorbidities, this was very serious.

He fought with them and initially ignored their pleas for him to seek medical attention.

Ultimately, an ambulance was called for and on Saturday he was admitted to the hospital.

Alone.

All alone.

They tried calling him later that day.

Nothing.

They tried again on Sunday.

Nothing.

Monday.

Nothing .

Tuesday.

Nothing.

Hours after hour, day after day, they had no idea.

And all of that time he was alone.

Nothing can be more unnerving to me.

So much for my pleasant day.

Cousin Barry Died

“If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way.”

Martin Luther King Jr.

As I was checking my emails this morning, I came across one from my Cousin Barry's ex-girlfriend informing me that he had passed away yesterday.Not exactly the thing you want to deal with at 6:30 in the morning.

To be candid,Barry and I were not close.

He was family.

From my dad's side of the family, he and his sister are the only immediate family that I had.

We were never close.

He was invited and included in any family events.

There was always a seat for him at our table for holidays.

He was always invited to family gatherings.

He would call occasionally when he needed a place to stay for a night or two.

Other than that, I rarely saw him, particularly after he left the NY area and moved to Georgia a few years ago.

Occasionally he would pop up on a Facebook feed.

He often would post videos as he drove the highways and byways.

No audio.

Just a video of his view from the driver's seat.

I have no sense of loss around this.

As I said, we were not close.

I am unsettled on a very personal and selfish level.

Barry was a year younger than I am.

He died alone.

He had a family, an ex wife and two daughters with who he had absolutely no contact.

He has a grandchild as well as a son-in-law who he never met.

what little he leaves behind does not amount to much.

That indelible mark that I am always striving to create never was a part of his life and is evidenced by the lack of any footprint he has left behind.

There won't be a funeral, at least not one that resembles any I have been to.

No eulogy,not that I know who would deliver one.

No mourners per se.

There's an apartment somewhere in Georgia that will have to be emptied.

I couldn't tell you what he leaves behind.

Belongings?

A legacy?

In a year where I am celebrating "Keep Telling The Stories" , I am unaware of any of his meaningful ones.

My selfishness?

I am deathly afraid of ever being that alone.

I am deathly afraid of leaving behind so little.

I am deathly afraid of hurting those I will leave behind.

I am even more afraid of losing all of the people in my life.

I am afraid of dying alone like he did.

His videos are haunting me today.

Alone,in his car, traveling a road to nowhere.

Traveling with no one.

No sounds. Just the road ahead.Leading to nowhere in particular.

This really makes me sad.

No more pizza!

"There are moments when troubles enter our lives and we can do nothing to avoid them.

But they are there for a reason. Only when we have overcome them will we understand why they were there."

Paulo Coelho

During this Covid Quarantine,one of the ways we have maintained a sense of normalcy has been to have a pizza night.

Born first out of necessity when getting to a supermarket or grocery store was a task unto itself,pizza night became a nice break in the week.

When we were in full lock down, it seemed like I was either preparing a meal,serving a meal or cleaning up from a meal.

Ordering in for one meal was a rel treat.

We also felt we were doing our part to keep those small business owners and their employees working.

Seemed like a win/win for all.

We learned quickly that there must be a whole lot of others who felt the same way as waiting times were growing weekly.

An hour and a half was becoming the norm to wait,and that was for pick-up.

Delivery?

If you wanted pizza at 7, you better order before 5!(Not that I ever chose delivery.....that's just stupid and asking for cold food!).

As the weeks wore on,we started to notice that in response to the overwhelming demand for their service, quality of product has become a casualty.

The first time it happened,I wanted to say something to the owner.

My family suggested that maybe it was just a bad night and to not make an issue over it. The next week, not only was quality an issue, but the size of the pie seemed significantly smaller.

Week 3 and things continued to spiral downward.

We decided to switch pizza parlors.

In fact we decided to try a few different ones,giving each a 2 week trial period searching for our new "favorite" pizza joint.

None have stood out. They have all had their pluses and minuses.

So we continued shopping.

Last night we gave another local business a second chance.

The first time the food was good however being unfamiliar with their menu we found that we had not ordered enough.

This time,having studied the menu a bit more, we tried again.

The food was good,(notice I keep saying good not great or spectacular)

The 30 minute wait turned into an hour.

Once again, we did not get what we ordered and the final blow was when I checked to see how much went on my debit card I was blown away.

I can feed my crew for 3 or 4 nights on that amount!

I'm done.

No more pizza.

Sorry Mr. Small Business person.

If I am stepping up to support you, you should find a way to acknowledge that in the service and product you provide.

And that's my rant for this Sunday morning.

Shavua Tov!

Just when..............

"Life is really simply, but we insist on making it complicated."

~ Confucious

I have heard "them" say that success is just around the corner from the day you quit.

Maybe I should pay attention to "them".

After writing about civics and civility the other day, I found myself questioning why it is that I continue to write.

While attending to my daily early morning routine the next day, I actually said to myself,maybe it's time to just quit.

5 minutes later, as I was checking my emails which I do everyday first thing in the morning, I found an email from one of my fraternity brothers waiting for me.

It simply read "Put this one in the "Best of" folder!"

So much for quitting!

Oddly enough, on a day when I felt that I had lost my way in regards to why and what I write,I had multiple responses from all corners of the globe.

Kind of weird.

Earlier in the week, I had received an email from person who developed the online Mindfulness course that I have been struggling to finish.

He was launching a new project.

I couldn't help to understand just how much he has put into making this his life's calling. I was more that just impressed by all of the work he had to put in, all of the sacrifices he had to make,and the level of commitment he has had to create his brand.

It's all of that which is the difference between himself and me.

I just haven't been that committed. I haven't had that drive.

I haven't found that focus.I haven't been willing to make those sacrifices.

It's why I believed I should just quit.

Obviously if I am writing today, I have not just given up.

I know that it is highly unlikely that I will wake up one day and poof,like that, will have found the illuminated path that will lead me to where I might want to go.

Instead, I will continue to make my way through the thickets. If I stop,I will never get anywhere.

So as long as I keep moving forward,who knows.

Eventually I may find my way. Shabbat Shalom!

Civics & Civility

“Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough.”

Og Mandino

50 years ago, the high school I attended did away with a course called civics.

Civics was a social studies course that taught the basics of what every citizen of this country should know. Civics is the study of citizenship and government. This course provides students with a basic understanding of civic life, politics, and government, and a short history of government's foundation and development in this country.

I imagine in those turbulent times of change,some genius thought it made sense to do away with civics for a more relevant course of study.

Dumb idea!

I see the results of this decision daily. I am amazed at just how uninformed and ill informed the generations that were to follow this choice to do away with civics are when it comes to the basics of our democracy.

It's a course that should not only be brought back,it should be mandatory for graduation!

And while they are at it,while we are "re-thinking" how to educate our youth post covid,how about adding a course called civility-a study in common decency.

Wouldn't that be a breath of fresh air!

Add an english course that teaches basic grammar and sentence structure as well!

Wouldn't that make for a more civilized way of life.

Somehow we have lost our way.

I for one, am deeply saddened by this.

I saw it coming quite some time ago.

I recall saying to a friend many years ago that I wanted to write a book called Goodness Gracious....how to live a gracious life through gratitude.

Imagine a world in which all lives matter as well as how you live that life.

What a concept!

No haircut yet

"We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give."

Winston Churchill

This morning I texted my barber to see if he has reopened.

He got right back to me and said yes,however no beards.

I opted to wait until facial hair cutting becomes socially acceptable again.

I was hoping to get "cleaned up " a bit.

Maybe he could get me from the homeless look I am sporting to something more akin to biblical sage.

Just a haircut won't do so it seems homeless continues.

I could easily fit in on the streets of San Francisco or any other major city where unkempt is the rule du jour.

Then again, I ain't goin' nowhere special so what do I care how I look.

I wasn't bothered by any of this.

It was a simple enough request,accompanied by a simple enough answer followed by an appropriate response.

No one got hysterical because I choose to limit my mask wearing. I didn't blow a gasket because my constitutional right to get my beard cut was being violated (I'm not sure which amendment addresses haircuts but I am sure it's in there").

Which makes me that much more upset when I listen to on radio or see on Facebook,the outrageously out of control nonsense and discourse between maskies and non-maskies.

It's truly nauseating.

And unfortunately, unless I completely disconnect from others,I am afraid that I will continue to be pummeled by this great debate.

To mask or not to mask?

Should this be the question?

The beginning of the end of Summer

“Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.”

Kevin Arnold

I know it sounds dumb, but I have always seen the 4th of July as the beginning of the end of summer.

Way back in early June,right after Memorial Day, my thoughts always turned towards the upcoming Summer season.

The anticipation of what lay ahead was always exciting.

Well almost always exciting.

There was also a fair amount of uncertainty that accompanied the new season.

When I was younger, it was the disconnect from any relationships that had been fostered during the school year.

Summer went everyone went there own way and by September,well,things would be different.

For me,this anxiety started in grade school and continued pretty much through college graduation.

The biggest difference was the distance.

Instead of my grade school friends heading back to their own neighborhoods,by college,it was the distance between exits on the GSP or Turnpike.

I suppose that was a moribund view of life.

Hey, I never claimed to be Mr. Happy!

I do have many great 4th of July memories.

Susan and I got engaged on the 4th of July.

There was always marching in the 4th of July parade.

More recently, it was the 4th of July BBQ at the JCCP that was the highlight for me.

And of course there were fireworks.

Paramus always had a great display when I was a kid.

First at the High School which was across town,and later on at the Jr. High School behind my house.

There was a brief period when the town canceled any fireworks,however a few years ago, they re- instituted this gala event and when they did so it was even bigger and better than ever.

I also remember a year,1976 to be exact, playing a concert in South Jersey with the big band from my fraternity.

It was a crazy day,for me anyway.

I often wonder if any of those guys remember the events of the day?

I certainly do. Right down to my white pants and flowered Hawaiian shirt.(Think of the original Magnum P.I. look!).

I guess if I think about it, the 4th of July has been a whole lot more to me than just the beginning of the end of Summer.

Still, there is this haunting hurt that I can't seem to let go of.

WHy did I say anything?

“We cannot defend freedom abroad by deserting it at home.”

Edward R. Murrow

Remember the other day when I happened to mention something about a nest egg?

Why did I open my big mouth?

That egg just got a big crack in it.

Max took my Jeep to pick up some essentials for the holiday weekend.

A short while later,here comes the S.O.S. call.

"Your car started making the clanging noise and began bucking like crazy...."

Bottom line?

Blown engine!

Option 1: used engine....no guarantees and about $4000.

Option 2: rebuilt engine.......about $6000 on a car that is 18 years old and probably has some other surprises in store for me based on the whining noise in the rear and just because it's 18 years old.

I'll take what behind the curtain Johnie!

Time to get a new vehicle.

Well not new new. New would mean a) a deposit,b) monthly payments and c) a significant hike in my insurance.

I'm just not ready for that yet and given the limited usage we are and have been experiencing since the beginning of the quarantine, something used and dependable sounds like the way to go.

But seriously,did I have to say anything about a nest egg?

The good news is I have an affordable budget in mind that won't wipe out the "nest egg" and should allow me to find something that will suit our current needs.

In fact, I was supposed to go look at a vehicle today. It's been put off until Monday.

There is no rush.

I am not under any pressure to buy just anything and I am certain something will pop up.

Me and my big mouth!

Jeepers!

Shavua Tov!

Who me?

“Just smiling goes a long way toward making you feel better about life. And when you feel better about life, your life is better.”

Art Linkletter

I called a friend yesterday and the minute he heard my voice he responded with "Hello Mr. Angry Guy.....how are you?"

I said great to which he replied "really .....you're always sounding angry about wearing masks and everything:.

Who me?

Okay, maybe just a bit.

But seriously, I really normally am not an angry guy.

I suppose I could make a list of stuff that makes me angry.

It wouldn't be that hard and it really wouldn't be that long of a list.

In fact, if I could remember to not listen to the news, not pick up a newspaper and certainly stay away from unsocial media ((that one is mine.....unsocial media) I would never be angry.

Oh sure I might get mad from time to time.

Mad is different than angry.

Mad I get over.

Angry not so easily.

Coincidentally my very next phone call was to a friend who asked"did I see a picture of you looking like a hermit?"

Well yes you did!

Now if I could just remember to live like one,the angry part would probably never be an issue!

We are not always happy. It is , as I said yesterday a choice. One that I make multiple times a day every day.

In the same way, I have buttons .

Buttons that when they are pushed make me angry.

They don't get pushed intentionally. It happens. Kind of like the dog stepping on the remote. He didn't mean to change the channel.

It just happens.

How I respond to these pushed buttons is the only thing I control.

Spewing my anger in my writing is a huge help.

It allows me to vent before anger becomes rage.

That is one way I lose the angry.

BTW....where angry exists happy can not!

Shabbat Shalom!

P.T.F.S.D.

“When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive -to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.”

Marcus Aurelius

When I woke up on Monday morning, I was not in a very good mood.I wasn't sad,or angry. I just had this heavy feeling that I could not shake.

Since happy is a choice we get to make on a daily basis,it should have been easy for me to turn my day around.Unfortunately,that wasn't as easy as it sounds for me.

In fact, although my mood improved gradually over the next few hours, it took me until today to understand what was troubling me.

I think I suffer from P.T.F.S.D.

That would be Post Traumatic Financial Stress Disorder.

After restructuring my debt earlier this year, I can unequivocally say that I am in a better financial situation than I have been in almost 4 decades .

The bills are being paid even at a time when I am on half pay.

There is money left at the end of the month.There are even funds in savings for a rainy day (even more than 1 !).

So where was this stress coming from?

It is a byproduct of years and years of living in lack.

Literally my entire professional career trying to catch up and wondering what would bite me in the butt next.

Dolly was scheduled for surgery that day.

Insurance will eventually reimburse us for the bulk of this expense.

The 6 month interest free easy payment credit cards we use for vet bills are clean so covering the expense would be no problem.

Still the overwhelming dread which comes with carrying an insurmountable debt level for so many years was weighing heavily on my subconscious mind.

I have been vigilant in staying on top of my spending since the restructure.

Do I need this always supersedes do I want this.

The comeback has taken way too long,taken way too much work and left me with way too many sleepless nights to ever fall behind again.

P.T.F.S.D. is a very real thing for me.

Recognizing that I live with it is a huge help .

Deep breath!