I would like to report a crime.
Someone has stolen Halloween.
I am not sure how and when it happened or who exactly is the perpetrator of this crime. 
I do know the celebration that once was does not exist with the same passion any more.
Gone are the devils, ghosts,wolf-men,witches,wizards and warlocks. 
Freddie,Jason,Michael,and Leatherface?
Gone.
Scream is what people do at each other now a days.
Some how some body has actually figured out how to kill zombies because quite frankly, I have yet to see on this year.
I just got back from my morning bus run. 
I drove through at least a dozen towns in northern Bergen County. 
Here it is the morning after cabbage night, or goosey night or mischief night or what ever you may have called it growing up,and I did not see 1 piece of toilet paper hanging from a tree. Not one car was egged or covered in shaving cream. 
There were no old shoes hanging from the wires overhead.
I even heard a news report that silly string has actually bee banned in some areas.
What has happened to Halloween?
What has happened to fun?
When did the entire country become so afraid to get dressed up in a scary costume?
When did we become so sensitive that any attempt at humor is frowned upon as politically incorrect?
I can remember a costume design meeting a few years ago. 
We sat around a picnic table and through out ideas. Every thing from scary to silly to funny to racey to off color . I remember someone asking"okay, did we go to far on that one?". Each time that question was asked the answer was the same.
"It's Halloween.......nothing is offensive!"
Sadly, that is no longer the case. 
Sadly, today everything is offensive. 
Sadly we can no longer laugh at ourselves, never mind each other.
 Sadly,it's true. 
Some one has stolen Halloween.
Some one has stolen fun.
It makes me sad.

It was a little over 2 years ago that I closed down my office and moved headquarters for my empire back into my house.
The office was in a basement.
It was relatively small and housed 3 desks,a work table and a bank of file cabinets.
3 computers and 2 printers ran constantly,creating a constant whirring sound.
There were no windows that you could look out of. 
There was no sunshine. 
 When you were down there you couldn't tell what the weather outside was doing.
You could not tell if it was day or night either.
It was basically a cave.
My current office space is bright and airy. 
It is almost twice the size of the old space.
All of the file cabinets are gone. The desks and other furniture have been reduced down to one large wrap around.
And you never hear any of the electronics anymore.
I am surrounded by windows.
I have sky lights.
I can open the windows and get tons of fresh air.
I even have the option of siting outside on nice days.
The funny thing is there is a lot that I miss about that cave.
It was cozy. 
On a cold day like today, the heat warmed you through and through.
If you had a chill you merely turned up the thermostat and in a matter of minutes you were all toasty once again.
I can remember sitting in the darkness down there, the only light coming from the screen of my computer.
It was cozy.
My current space is terrific.
It flows.
It has great functionality.
It's just not cozy.
On brisk Autumn days like this one, I miss cozy.
I keep pushing back in my seat ,perusing my space, trying to come up with something, anything, that will help to create cozy.
So on top of the million and one other things I seem to be searching for, now I will add the search for cozy to the list.
Maybe I should buy a fern?

Well another birthday.
And as it happens more times than not on this date an absolutely abysmal weather day.
We've had snowstorms,hurricanes and all sorts of bed weather on October 29th.
It has been raining all day. From all reports the worst is yet to come during the overnight with winds gusting up to 65 miles per hour.
Other than dinner with the family, the day was pretty much like any other Sunday,
Gym, coffee with my cousin,drive the bus, shop,lunch,drive the bus again.
The shopping this time was actually not for our house. 
I actually made a trip to BJ's to buy cupcakes...96 of them.
I brought a tray of 24 back with me to share with the Sunday group at the center. This is a small group of seniors all with some degree of dementia.
The rest are for tomorrow morning.
 I thought it would be fun to celebrate my birthday with all of my new friends at the senior program.
63.
Not a particularly significant number as birthdays go.
While the number is not a significant milestone, upon reflection I find myself at yet another crossroad on my Journey.
Things that at one time seemed so significant to me have become matter of fact. Things that have become mundane over the recent past are resurfacing as important.
I don't have a sense of turmoil around this. 
It's more like I find myself in a state of introspection.
Obviously the winds of change are beginning to blow again. 
All I can do is set my sails and prepare for the next leg of my Journey.
Batten down the hatches and full speed ahead!

November Word of the Month:
FORGIVENESS

No I have not lost track of what day it is.I realize that I still have a few days to go before November is here. Still, as Thanksgiving approaches the word forgiveness is at the forefront of my thoughts. Webster's says that forgiveness is the act of forgiving. Obviously to understand what that means I had to go to the root word,
FORGIVE:

1:to give up resentment of or claim to requital 

2:to cease to feel resentment against (an offender)

When I saw the definitions for FORGIVE, everything became clearer to me.
I often have a problem forgiving. There are people in my life that in my estimation have either acted towards or said things to or about me that I truly believe I will never forgive. 
Still every self improvement, personal development or spiritual growth leader I have ever encountered espouses that without being able to forgive , we can never reach our consummate selves.
The words to give up resentment and to cease to feel resentment have finally cleared the path for me to truly come to terms with FORGIVENESS.

Forgiveness is internal not external.
It is the ability to let go,to cease harboring resentment that eventually allows a person to move on. 
My conundrum has always been with the idea that forgiveness has something to do with mending ,something that I believe is impossible. 
A glass once shattered is shattered forever.
It's all about letting go! 
AHA!
What comes after that is yet to be determined.
Until such time as I choose to let go, I can never move on. 
Like a scar from any wound, there are and always will be reminders of the hurt and pain that came when the injury was first inflicted. 
Some scars are hardly noticeable.
 Some can be truly disfiguring. 
Neither means that there still can't be a tomorrow.
Relationships get scars. 
Let go, cease harboring and move on.
As Thanksgiving approaches, I know one thing for sure.
FORGIVENESS
 will be the centerpiece of the banquet of my life.
Shabbat Shalom!

There are times when I sit back and marvel at how everything in The Universe happens to be in alignment at exactly the same time. 
Take today for instance.
I woke up in a really upbeat mood.
The scale was kind to me this morning.
My bus run was uneventful.
 (That's a real win!)
My word of the Day from John Maxwell was absolutely fitting.
My message from my mentor Darren Hardy was right on point. 
My quote of the day today which really spoke to me, came in an email from another sight I follow weekly.
Like I said, The Universe seems to be in complete harmony.
Okay so maybe, just maybe, it's because I have chosen to bring myself to this place of congruence?
Maybe both the chaos I have been experiencing and the peacefulness that surrounds me today are always there? 
Maybe I am the one who buys the ticket and chooses which show I want to be part of?
It's always about choice isn't it!
Maybe that' s all I need to share today?

On Monday I went off on a mini tirade about being angry. Mt ranting eventually led me to exactly who I was mad at, myself. My writing concluded with an understanding that I should be kinder to myself and more accepting of myself. In the past, that kindness would have included some heart warming , soul nourishing binge eating.
Instead I chose to go back on program.
While pacifying myself with some yummy treats might feel good in the moment, like any other drug or vice it would only be a temporary fix,often leading to more self loathing.
Cutting back is always an option. However, as is the case i some other feel good vice that I have, abstinence is the best way for me to get back on track.
Self control is not always my strongest asset. As human beings, we seek pleasure. Saying no to ourselves is unnatural.
Being on cycle is not about saying no to anything. Being on cycle is my commitment to myself to take care of me.
I can show myself no greater kindness or respect than to make sure I take care of me. 3 days in and already I am feeling much better about myself.
Amazing.......simply amazing!

As I was driving along my afternoon route yesterday I noticed a sense of peace that had come over me. 
I smiled at the possibility of having an entire day with out an "episode". 
After the events of last week, it was a novel thought.
A day with out stress. 
A day with out turmoil.
Just then I happened to look down to see what time it was on my phone.
MY PHONE!
Where was my phone?
I checked my bag.
Not there.
I checked my coat pockets.
Not there.
I looked around to see if it had fallen on the floor.
Not there.
Think David...when did you last have your phone?
Okay, I had it at the Center just before we took off. 
Good. 
Now where did you put it?
Let me think....
Oh Crap!
I put it on the hood of the bus as I was loading passengers and stowing away their walkers.
It must have fallen in the parking lot.
No panic.
Some one probably picked it up and turned it in. I'll just call...oh crap, I can't call,I lost my phone.
No panic.
I'll be back at the center in 30 minutes or so.
Stay calm.
But what if it's not there?
It's not just my phone. My phone case has pockets and it serves as my wallet. 
My Credit cards, my debit cards, my license are all in there.
Don't panic.
Everything will be fine.
 As I got closer and closer to my destination I could feel the anxiety level rising inside of me. 
My heart was racing and my breathing was a bit labored.
As I parked the bus, I ran into the security guard from the front desk.
"Has any one turned in a phone?"
"No, but you may want to check with lost and found down the hall."
So off I went,accompanied by more anxiety, my heart beating even faster and my breath becoming shallower and shallower.
"Sorry, no phones turned in today sir."
Crap!
Let me check with the program director for the seniors.
"Nope...no phone."
I ran outside and began searching the parking lot. 
The other driver dialed my number.
"It's ringing....no answer"
(No s#!t Sherlock, who did you think would answer it!)
A brand new phone, all of my credit cards and I.D's gone.
I decided there was nothing left to do but to head home and set to cancelling my credit cards and figuring out just when and how I can get a new license . 
I still had my old phone.
Maybe I can get that activated as well.
I could feel the heat of anxiousness rising inside of me.
"Calm down David, this is not worth having a heart attack over".
As I left the grounds of the Center, I kept my eye peeled along the long drive .
Maybe it fell off as I was leaving. 
No luck.
I mad a left as I always do and headed home.
I made the next right as I had when I set out on my afternoon run and headed up the road, the entire time hoping that maybe my phone would be somewhere along the roadside.
As I drove up Woodland Street, over a mile from where I had started out,after 4 speed bumps,2 left turns and a right turn , I started up a small hill.
That's when I passed something that looked like a piece of black roofing paper on the road.
Could it be?
I pulled over, put my car in reverse,and backed up a few hundred yards to examine whatever it was I saw in the road.
As I got out of my car, I could not believe what I found. 
There it was. 
My phone and all of it's contents.
Hallelujah!
My credit cards, my debit cards, my license ....all there!
The beautiful brand new S7 phone....well not so good.
(actually completely destroyed). 
But hey, we have insurance and what's $150 ?
It beats the heart attack I thought for sure I was about to have!
In the end,,what I had hoped would be my first uneventful work day in over a week had once again become a source of stress and anxiety that I can't even begin to share with you.
But as they say in the movies....
all's well that ends well.
And I move on!

I am angry today. 
It seems like I am angry at the whole world. 
I am angry at my vendors. 
I am angry at my colleagues and co workers.
I am angry at some family members.
I am angry at some friends.
I am angry at all of the inconsiderate drivers on the roads.
I am angry at the plumbing!
The list could go on and on. That is until I step back and realize that for the most part I am angry at myself. 
Angry at myself for bad choices.
Angry at myself for not being better, stronger, and smarter,.
I am angry at myself for not being more focused,productive diligent and resourceful.
I am angry at myself for being lazy.
And now after spewing all of this out , I am most angry at myself for not being kinder to me.
I am angry for not being more accepting of myself.
I know better than this.
I know being this angry is a terrible way to treat myself. 
Like a diet or an exercise program,letting go of this anger does not come in an instant .
It's not as if I can snap my fingers and poof, all of the anger will disappear, evaporate into thin air.
Repairing all of the flash points will take some time. Being kinder to myself and more accepting of myself is a great place to start. The rest of it will all work out in due time.
Today, I need to just learn to let go and be kind to David.

Given the events  of last week, I am not surprised that my stress level was pretty high by the time Shabbat rolled around.
By mid day yesterday, I literally felt that I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. 
My back was beyond killing me.
The pain level I was experiencing was unbelievable.
Truth be told, I can identify 2 or 3 separate incidents which contributed to the pulled muscle to the back of my ribs. Still the tension I was feeling didn't help.
I loaded up on Aleve ,then Advil.

After dinner I crawled into bed.

I iced and then iced again. 

Eventually, I fell asleep,laying flat as a board on my back.

I had already cancelled with my cousin for our weekly workout on Sunday mornings knowing that there was no way I could get myself up and out the door easily come morning , never mind trying to attempt any form of exercise.

When I awoke this morning I felt slightly better. 

Still I knew that my morning run would have me pulling myself up into the bus 7 or 8 times .

I also knew I would have 2 wheel chairs passengers who would need to be fastened in .

I was not looking forward to any of this.

By noon, I was back home, grabbed the Advil once again and went back to icing.

Now I have about 15 minutes before I have to head out for my return run, once again facing multiple boarding'and un-boarding and loading and unloading the 2 wheel chairs.

The one thing that I know has helped besides the ice and ibuprofen is letting go of the stress.

That certainly was playing a big part.

My brother asked me if the events of last week were in part a result of inattentiveness or distraction on my part. I have given this a lot of thought and after much deliberation I believe that is not the case.

Whether it was or not, I have recommitted to being deliberately more attentive.

While all last week's episodes ended without any real consequences, the "what if's" are still very real and very scary.

So before the "what if's" become OMG's, it will only serve me well to be more diligent in my approach to my day. 

With that said, my 15 minutes are up and I've got to get going.

First , I will pop a few Advil!

Shavua Tov!

Autumn arrived a few weeks ago. It is my favorite time of the year. The first official day of Fall was on Rosh Hashana, kind of fitting , and it added a hint of flavor to the High Holiday season for me. 
The weather around here has been unseasonably warm and not very Fall like. 
As the Jewish holidays were winding up I turned my attention towards the next part of the harvest season , most importantly Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving has always been my favorite secular or non- Jewish holiday.
Over the years ,I have transformed my Turkey Day offering from a meal to a banquet and eventually into an absolute feast.
I can honestly say that in my humble opinion, my table ranks with the best of them.
However, nothing remains the same in life.
Demands on people's time, family dynamics and changes in relationships, both additions and subtractions, led me to propose a change in how we , The Spiegels , would celebrate Thanksgiving moving forward.
The addition of significant others in my daughter's lives.my in-laws deteriorating health and mobility and some other very real factors, seemed to point to a need for change.
My initial thoughts were to cut back. We would do away with our traditional Thanksgiving offering.
Forget the whole dinner with a turkey and all of the trimmings. 
Maybe we could do brunch in the a.m., watch the parade and then after our family's tradition of listening to Alice's restaurant at noon,every one would be free to head out and spend time with other family and friends. 
It seemed like a doable compromise.
I also came up with the idea that we could regroup for a late dessert and catch the last of the football games on t.v. together. 
Sounds like a plan!
However, I was still unsettled over this. 
Something felt off.
Although it seemed like a pleasant way to observe the holiday, it just didn't feel right.
As I sat pondering what was starting to become a dilemma for me this morning over a cup of coffee, I just knew something was missing.
I couldn't quite put my finger on it.
When I initially broached these changes with my family, Sara asked "are you sure you are okay with this? I know how much you love going all out for Thanksgiving."
My response was "I really think I am....change is inevitable and a good thing."
Looking back on that I realize I was right, change is inevitable and good.
However, change does not have to mean diminishing!
If I know anything about myself is that when it comes to parties, celebrations feasts and festivals, I have only one agenda.
Go big or go home!
The plan of scrapping the holiday meal and substituting brunch and dessert just ain't gonna cut it for me.
Instead,my new plan is to blow this suckah up!
We can do brunch.
We can even do dessert.
They will be the perfect bookends to wrap around the mid day banquet I would normally put out on Thanksgiving.
There will be some modifications. 
The mid day meal will be buffet style ,not a sit down dinner.
The menu will be slightly different with the changes in the types of foods we and many of our guests choose to eat.
Again this will be a matter of  "in addition to", the standard bill of fare will still be front and center on the table.
The biggest sticking point for me had been my in-laws. 
Shuttered away in their assisted living facility.I was concerned for their well being. I was concerned that they would be alone, left out and not part of our day of giving thanks.
I was also concerned for Susan,after all they are her parents.
Logistically, I could not figure it out.
That was until this morning.
The answer to my quandary was actually quite simple.
 Some one had to man up and step up to make sure that they were cared for.
And there is no one better than me at doing that.
So now I have a game plan. I am actually quite excited over the possibility.
Tonight I will run it by Susan and the rest of the Flock of Spiegels .
I am confident that they will support me in this. They will think I am nuts, however they have grown to understand that my kind of crazy is a good thing and that once I opt in there is never any doubt as to the outcome.
So now as Autumn has finally decided to start feeling like Autumn, I have a plan and a course of action. 
I'm kind of lovin' life right about now!
Shabbat Shalom!

TGIF!
That's all I can say on this How am I doing Friday.
After feeling so devastated with the goings on of last week, I boldly chose to take on this week with and new attitude. I plugged myself into "movin' on" mode and set out early Monday morning to do just that.
% days later here is what I encountered this week:
I had a woman fall on my bus and end up in the hospital.
I hit a curb and blew out a tire.
I had an accident and bent the bumper on my bus in half.
I had to deal with a leaking water main. 
I had to have a plumber in to fix our heat (we had none).
I still have a drain that needs unclogging and a faucet that needs to be replaced (we only get cold water).
Needless to say.....
TGIF!
I am not discouraged.
I am not despondent.
I don't feel jinxed or stuck under a grey cloud.
I am drained, exhausted and a good deal beaten up.
So.....
TGIF
Aftyer a week like this,itis the only thing I an say....
TGIF.
Oh yeah and 
Shabbat Shalom!

The email from my synagogue read "We mourn the loss of....".
Once again, I had received notification that another member of our community had passed away. This time it was someone I have known for over 50 years. 
Her mom and my mom were besties from the time we joined the JCCP .
She was a number of years older than I was however as the "children of " we became more than just friendly over the years.
I am grateful that our community has this apparatus to notify us when things like this happen.It is too easy to lose touch and lose track of people.
The sad part to me was the later part of the email. It read "long time member of our community".
While that is true, it made me sad.
How many people who read this email knew her?
How many people saw the email?
How many people had no idea of who she was, other than a "long time member"?
I found myself asking "is that all there really is?"
Will I be that person named in an email years from now and will that email be read by how many individuals who will have no clue as to who I was?
Unfortunately, that is in the end,what happens to all of us.
A blurb in the obituary column and then life goes on.
I suppose that is what pushes me in my quest for significance,my desire to make a difference, my need to leave my mark and secure my legacy.
Am I being selfish?
Am I so important?
Does my existence really need validation this way?
Uh....yeah, it does!
And yes, I am!
And I will do all that I can to make sure that when that email with my name on it goes out someday, there is someone who will have a fond memory, a moment of sadness or even better a feeling of gratitude before they hit the delete button.

My plan was to write about this yesterday.
 So much for plans!
My day was fraught (I don't think I have ever used the word fraught in my writing before), with stumbling blocks and time vampires.
Which kind of brings me back to exactly what I wanted to share with you.
While my heart is certainly still not ready to move on, the crap piling up around my desk is telling me that it's time to get back to work.
After basically a month of Jewish holidays and the emotional chaos of last week,things have been neglected.
Not completely,but enough for me to notice that if I don't get my act together stuff will start to fall apart.
I guess the transition from where I was to getting back on the road of life again started on Sunday. For the first time since early August, my Sunday and my week started with my now new normal driving schedule.
(I like normal schedules!)
On Sunday the house got cleaned including vacuuming up the last of Loki's hair,washing the floors where he had a few accidents lately and putting away his toys and food and water bowls. 
Even if I didn't want to, we were certainly moving on.
Yesterday, the broken water main got fixed. Even though I could ill afford the expense, after months of wringing my hands over how, I just got it done.
Time to move on.
There are some other lingering financial challenges that had to be addressed which I did and now I will just figure out how to move on.
So whether my heart and soul are ready is of little consequence. It is time to start to move on.
There is no more time for me to wallow in the woe is me world.
Move on.
What's next? 
Bring it on.
It's time.
I am not necessarily ready  and certainly not rarin'.
I'm sure that will change in due time.
For now I just keep on keepin' on and movin' on.

Yesterday I took a trip to Philadelphia. I met up with a friend at the shul I have attended in the past down there. It has been quite some time since I made this trek(it takes over 2 hours each way).
The drive was well worth it.
My soul needed the experience.
It's not a journey I can or plan to make very often.
Eventually I will set out to find an experience like this locally.
With everything else that is on my plate lately, this is just not a priority for me.
I am sure that at some point it will be.
My friend who met me,lives in Philadelphia,not far from the temple. 
We have been talking about meeting up there for 2 years. 
I think she was she was glad that we finally did. 
I can't equate what she may have experienced compared to what I experience. 
I can tell you she was visibly moved by it.
There was an energy that was palpable.
The gift I took away was that I was able to share something special with some one special.
I still have a desire to do that here in my community. That would be amazing.
I am not exactly sure how to do that  and as I said, right now I have too many other things occupying my time. 
However, there will come a day .....

Shavua Tov!

How am I doing?
I'm not sure.
I am a little bit torn.
I know how I feel. 
I feel sad.
I also know I have a choice as to how I show up to greet each day. 
I can choose to let my sadness dictate how I present myself to the world, or I can suck it up, take a deep cleansing breath, slap a smile on my face and see how that goes.
Look, eventually I will have to make that choice.
I can't and I refuse to bury myself in self pity and sadness.
It's not a good look for me.
When I satrted typing in today's date my first thought was "great, Friday the 13th!".

Giving my self permission to succumb to triskaidekaphobia would be just another excuse for wallowing in misery.
I really am not about that at all.
Still there are those haunting memories that are ever present as I walk about the house and prepare for the day ahead.
There's the basket of monkeys overflowing with Loki's stuffed animals.
There's the credit card that I just put away, the one that I swiped at the vets office (there is a real dollars and cents aspect to this).
Tonight the whole family will gather for Shabbat dinner. The last time we were all together, we were ALL together.
After I say the prayer over the bread tonight, we will be all too aware of the fact that there is one less at our table.
Do I address this or do we do our best to look past the fact that we can now all stretch out our legs with out infringing upon Loki's favorite spot to be,under the dining room table?
Here's my aha moment of the day.
I can be sad and have a smile on my face.
There is a thing called bitter sweet.
Life is bitter sweet.
Tonight as we do every Friday night, after I say hamotzi, the prayer over the bread,before we eat it, I will dip the bread in salt. The tradition is that the bread is sweet,representing kindness. The salt is bitter representing the bitterness of life.
During the High Holiday season we swap out the salt for honey, removing that bitterness. The holiday season ended last night.
Tonight the mundane sets back in , along with it the reality that life is both bitter and sweet.
In researching this I did find that my family practice surrounding this tradition is wrong. The practice is to dip the bread in salt, not sprinkle the bread in salt.
The sages tell us that by sprinkling the bread we would cover the sweetness of life with bitterness.
Life is bittersweet,we take the good with the bad.
By dipping the bread we recognize that the sweetness is what matters.
During the High Holidays, we forgo the dipping in salt and dip our bread in honey.
It is the sweetest time of the year.
The bitterness is put aside.
The Holiday season ends with the onset of Shabbat tonight.
Tonight, I will make that change in our weekly custom.
Tonight I will dip, not sprinkle.
Today I will smile through my sadness.
Shabbat Shalom!

In 1972 Maureen McGovern wrote the title song for the movie The Poseidon Adventure,"There's got to be a morning after".
Today is that day .
I feel so incredibly sad.
Last night, I promised Susan that I would not remain maudlin for an extended period of time. I truly planned to pick myself, and my spirits up, and move on.
I am actually experiencing deeper sadness today than I did yesterday.
Maybe the fact that yesterday was decision making day.
Yesterday Loki had to be dealt with.
I had to make sure that my family was okay.
I still had bus runs to handle.
And there was a yom tov to prepare for, even if it did not get my best effort.
Today, I could barely get out of bed.
Maybe the rainy dismal day has something to do with that. 
I doubt it.
I am just gut wrenchingly, body achingly ,soul crushingly sad.
Yesterday had big things that needed to be taken care of. 
Today it is all of the little things that are stirring up such pain.
No monkeys (Loki's stuffed animals) scattered about.
No Loki sleeping in my bedroom doorway so no need to step quietly over him.
No head on my lap as I open my morning emails.
It's so unbelievably sad.
I plan to fulfill my promise to Susan.
I plan to move on. 
I just don't think that today will be the day that happens.

This morning I received another one of those unbelievably timely messages from The Universe. After my writing yesterday where I found myself searching for greatness and when what and if there would be more greatness in my life here is the message I found in my in-box:

"Hey, David... It's OK. Everything is fine. You've always been guided. Even now you are watched, and held, and adored. You've made great stuff happen, and you will make more great stuff happen. You've changed lives. You've changed your own. You've moved mountains and done the impossible. You've been scared and you overcame. You've been knocked down and you rose back up. And you've been lost, or so you thought, only to discover it was just the calm before another storm of creativity, love, and fun."

Once again, kind of freaky!

In June of 2007, Loki came into our lives. He was a birthday present for Becca. At that time our home had been with out a dog for 4 months. This was the first time since I was 5 years old that I lived in a home without a dog.Susan was about to undergo surgery. The Halloween industry was bracing for a Monday Halloween (they are usually not spectacular) .

Life was presenting us with challenges once again.

Nothing new. We had been here before.This wasn't the first time stressful situations had come to our doorstep and certainly wouldn't be the last. 

Any how, this tri-colored ball of fluff entered our lives and in a very short while I knew that my life would never be the same. 

I remember saying to my friend John that Summer as we embarked on another Halloween season that this dog was going to be the one that breaks my heart. 

From the moment he came into our home, even though he was Becca's dog, even though he was Susan's therapy and companion after her surgery and even though everyone wanted to play with him, he and I formed a special bond.

He was like another son to me. 

My kids even had the rear window, a stationary window, of my pick up replaced with a sliding window so that Loki could stick his head out.

Of course, he had other ideas as he proceeded to climb out the window onto the bed of my pick up as I was doing 60 miles an hour on the Southern State Parkway.

Loki.

Do you know where the name comes from?

Loki was the son of the Norse god Odin. 

Loki was the god of mischief.

As a pup, he could not have been more appropriately named.

Today is the day I rued appearing over 10 years ago. 

Loki has not been well for a while. We had a rough go of things back in Late February and early March.

After some tests, a new harness to help him up and a change of meds, Loki healed and had a pretty good run. 

The last few weeks, have not been as good to him. 

Last night was particularly rough.

He has not eaten in a few days.

The little he did get down yesterday came back up a few hours later. 

He can barely stand, certainly not without us lifting him.

He laps at his water dish incessantly.

It is feeling like toda will be that day when he in fact does break my heart.

I have been up with him since around 3 this morning. 

I have to leave for my bus run shortly after 7. 

It's 6:30 now.

I texted Becca and asked her to call me once she is up and about. 

She will of course have to make the final decision. 

I texted my brother as well since I may need his help getting our big boy into the car.

I am sad.

This isn't easy. 

The vet opens at 9 and hopefully they can see us at 11.

This isn't fun.

And yes I was correct in my assessment 10 years ago.

My heart is breaking.

My father always told me he didn't care what I chose to be in life or do with my life.That to him was inconsequential. The only thing that mattered to him for me was that what ever I chose to do, what ever path I took in life, I was the best I could possibly be at that task. That did not equate to being the best at that job. It meant that my effort was the best effort I could summon forth.
As you can well imagine, this can be a cumbersome task.
One thing I have learned is that no matter how well you do or how much effort you put forth, there is always an untapped reserve. Hence,the burdensome question"did I do my best?"
Often when working with others I would here "good enough for Union work" (no offense to any union members).
It simply meant the job was done well enough for most standards.
That did not necessarily mean that it was done to my standards or that I couldn't improve upon my efforts.
I suppose this mantra lead to my desire to always change things,to always be improving on things, to always finding a better way .
Obviously no matter how good things are or how well things seem to be going or how much I am doing, the nagging question that literally keeps me up at night is what if?
What if I did this.
What if I try that?
What if I worked a little harder, a little smarter a little longer?

My sister turned 60 the other day.
I wondered if she was having any conversations with her self in regards to where she was in her life at 60.
This made me ask myself "so where are you at what will soon be 63?"
It just so happened I posed this to myself as I was alone driving my bus back from my first run of the day.
I'm driving a bus.
I guess greatness has eluded me.
Or is there still time for me to find greatness.
Truth is, I was being grossly unfair to myself.
In fact, as I look in the rear view mirror (my life's rear view mirror, not the one on the bus), there has been an awful lot of great!
I won't bore you with an itemized list partially because I probably would forget a lot of the great things.
My fear or concern is not so much that it's too late.
I really don't believe that.
My uneasiness is rooted in what, where and when will the next opportunity for great appear.
This is what fills my head day and night.
This is what I concern myself with every waking and even many sleeping hours of each day.
BTW....that 63 thing happens in 19 days.
Just sayin'!

Monday evening and I finally have a moment to myself, the first time in about 48 hours.
Yesterday we had our annual open hut for Sukkot.
I counted somewhere between 60 -70 attendees. 
I think everyone enjoyed themselves. 
There was plenty of food to nosh on and the company and conversations were great!
All in all it was a great day. Our first guests arrived well before noon and the last guests left in time for us to clean up and sit down just as Greg Bird hit the game winning home run for the Yankees.
Today was Columbus Day. Many people had the day off including all State,County and Municipal workers.
The reason I mention this is that on these Federal holidays, the County does not run their buses for us. This creates a situation where we have more passengers than we can accommodate with our regularly scheduled routes. 
The good news is we handle it each and every time. 
Some of my regulars who live close to the center were picked up by one of our vans as I picked up the extra bodies who come from greater distances.
After dropping my first run passengers and heading out to pick up my second run, I ran into the van dropping off my regulars who were transferred for the day.
 Our eyes met.
It was awful!
I could see that some were put out by this minor inconvenience while others seemed to be hurt, as if to say"don't you love us anymore?"
I assured them that this was an unexpected blip on the radar screen and that by tomorrow things would be back to normal.
When I returned this afternoon to take every one home, all of my regulars proceeded to board my bus.
Here we go again!
I politely stopped my 5 or 6 friends and escorted them to their alternate transport for the day.
It reminded me of the first day of sending your kids off to school.
Again, they were not happy!
I hope that by the next time they come to the center and board my bus all will be forgiven. 
Past history has shown that  while ruffled feathers don't always smooth so quickly eventually I will be forgiven and all will be well on the happy bus again. 
Sadly, I look forward to that !
(What has become of my life!)