It's just past 8 p.m. and for he first time since 6:30 this morning I finally have some down time. After the gym this morning I tried to cut the lawn before going to work. I made 3 or 4 passes with the mower before giving in to the reality that the grass was just too wet to cut.
It was getting near 9 a.m. and I had to head out for my morning bus run.
Under the damp of the morning dew, I could feel the heat rising up from the ground below. This did not bode well for cutting the lawn on my return home when surely the Sun would be high in the noon sky and just beating down on me.
I was right!
I began cutting the front lawn just around noon and the heat from the damp ground was almost as oppressive as from the Sun above.
I finished cutting both the front and back yards just about 1 in the afternoon, just in time to make a quick lunch for every one.
When we finished lunch I began hacking away at the vines of ivy that were creeping into my yard from the neighbor behind. About 6 years ago , he planted trees in front of his fence so that he would not have to see or be bothered by my dogs. Unfortunately that left his over grown foliage and dilapidated fence as an eye soar in my yard. 
These vines are reminiscent of something out of a Tarzan movie.
At least once a year I have to do battle with them and hack them to pieces.
I decided that today should be the day that I begin the reclamation of my property line.
After years of doing this , I know that there is shade at different times along the fence line. I can only work in the shaded area as the Sun is way too oppressive to accomplish anything.
I managed to get about 1/3 of the way through this task before I had to stop.
Then it was out front to edge the drive way and sweep it down. I have been cutting the lawn since early Spring and to be perfectly honest, I have been remiss in sweeping the driveway afterwards. Once again, I chose to address this today.It was just about 2:30 when I started this . The front of my house is bathed in bright sunshine from about 10:30 each morning until well after 6 p.m.
This may not have been the smartest time to tackle this chore but it had to get done.
At 3, I left for my afternoon run and after a quick trip to the market, I was home by 6, just in time to prepare diner.
After dinner I finished picking up after my yard work earlier in the day and that brought me up to just before 8, which I mentioned at the top is the first down time I have had all day.
Trust me,I am not complaining. I have come to realize that the by staying on top of these things, doing the cleaning,the maintenance and the up keep around the house is the only way to keep things from falling apart.
The more I do, the better it looks. The better it looks the more I want to stay after it. The more I stay after it the better it looks. It's a never ending process!
I am bushed!
Dirty, sweaty and yes, probably a bit stinky. Time for a shower and then a little bit of quiet time with my crossword puzzles!
Shavua Tov!

One of my daily exercises is to listen to my Minute with Maxwell word of the day.
I always find some take away from this moment each morning that helps me find a place to center my thoughts. 
Much like today, I often find that this break in my day affords me an opportunity to collect myself.
There are times that I use the word of the day to challenge myself.
There are times when the word of the day serves as a touch stone for what is important in my life.
And there are also times when the word of the day is like a gentle touch on my shoulder reminding me of who I am and what is important to me. I suppose that is why I choose to share my daily encounter from my mentor with others.
Today was no exception.
As I sat down at my computer , my mind was racing and I was distracted by a number of things swirling around me.
My heart was racing ,my affect was fitful and I knew I was fairly worked up over a number of things. Simply by clicking play,the words of my friend and mentor John Maxwell managed to diffuse the energy that was building inside of me . I imagine some people use prayer for this. Others go to yoga.
Meditation is another avenue towards finding that center.
To each his own I suppose.
I am grateful to have found this 1 minute of reflection in my day .
Reflection ....
this was one of  my Minute with Maxwell words this week.
Experience without reflection is akin to having a Ferrari in your garage and never driving it.
It serves no purpose.
I suppose if I gather up enough words of the day, I eventually will have the vocabulary that compliments the life I choose to live. 
Shabbat Shalom!

It's just after 6 p.m. on this How Am I Doin' Friday and I have been running since early this morning . This is the first opportunity I have had to just sit for a few minutes. Instead of attacking a crossword puzzle (I try to to 2 a day) or watching the news (is there really any news lately?) I chose to take a few minutes to fill you in on how I am doing today.
First let me share with you that after months of inactivity as far as getting to the gym goes, I had a pretty good week at staying committed to my new routine. However,after months of neglect,doing legs on Wednesday and rowing on Thursday has left my quads screaming!
I can walk,but activities like climbing or anything that requires a stretch to my upper legs is quite a challenge right about now.
And these damn feet of mine!
They were fine up until about 3 hours ago. And then just like that the pain started. ow it has become almost impossible to stand. 
No big deal.
I will start getting dinner on the table in a few minutes and then my work day will be done. 
After dinner it will be feet up, my crosswords and the Yankee game. By morning as is the norm, my barking feet will have calmed down and I can once again set about tackling al that needs to be tackled.
That's about it for now. Our dinner guests should be here any minute.
Have an awesome night!
Shabbat Shalom!

29 years ago,a new reality set in for me. I was now a parent. You could say with Sara's arrival it was apparent I was a parent!
Talk about being unprepared for a job!
Whew!
There are no courses one can take. There isn't a manual. There is not an audio book on Audible.
You can't just Google how to be a parent. 
It just doesn't work like that. Oh I know many people who have tried that approach. They read books. They took classes. They hired child care professionals.
They even had therapists.
In my experience, the whole thing is just one great big adventure in trial and error.
And trust me ,there have been plenty of both, trials and errors.
Somehow we made it through for 29 years.
I learned quickly that this job has no time clock. You are on duty 24/7 forever.
The pay is lousy but the benefits are unbelievable.
I was distracted today not by memories of Sara growing up or events in our lives together, but by the memories of just who was in my life on this day in 1988. 
It was a long time ago . Life has changed.....a lot!
Old friends have lost contact. New friends have been added.
And then there are those that just aren't here anymore. 
I suppose those are the ones I miss the most.
There can never be a surprise visit or a reuniting.
As I looked back on these last 29 years , I am reminded of a story I have heard from my mentor Darren Hardy on more than one occasion. 
While interviewing one of the many successful and fascinating individuals he has come across, he asked this 90 something year old gentleman, if he could sit and chat over lunch with any one person from the past, any one at all, who would it be. 
Without hesitation, the gentleman answered,"I would like to meet the person I could have been".

I too wish I could meet the person and the parent I could have been!

I just got back from day 2 at the gym. Day 1 was a mixed bag. I had a decent enough work out, however later in the day I wasn't feeling up to par. It was probably a combination of things as I had some set backs in a business deal I have been working on as well as the workout.Bottom line is by the latter part of the day, I found my energy level to be quite low.
Today, undaunted, I made my way back to the gym.
After an upper body workout yesterday, today was all legs.
The good news is that I believe I have come to terms with the set backs experienced yesterday and I was able to clear my thoughts enough to be in a right frame of mind to get in a good work out today.
I did want to share a pet peeve of mine with you and go on a tiny bit of a tantrum if you will let me.
This morning I needed to gas up before I went to work. I left the house early and headed up to the gas station at the top of my street. I pulled up to the pumps. Mine was the only car in the lot.I popped open the cover on my gas tank and waited for the attendant to come out . 
I waited and waited some more as the attendant continued to stare at his cell phone.
I beeped and waited some more.
He continued to be pre-occupied by what ever was so important on his hand held device. I beeped once more.
Still no reaction. Finally I drove off. 
Now the next gas station is on the highway and gas was a full 50 cents a gallon more than the one nearer to my house. It did not matter. I needed gas and that was that.
My pet peeve?
If you have a job,do your job! 
And do it with a smile on your face.
If you don't like your job, leave. 
I should not have to be subjected to poor service or to some one with a poor attitude.
I don't give a damn if you are having a bad day, if you are not feeling well, if you have pressures in your life or whatever.
Do your job and do it with a smile.
Many years ago, my brother went to work for a firm as their sales manager.
One morning upon entering the office, the customer service manager said to him"by the way, I am having a bad day so stay clear of me today!".
He went about his morning routine and when he had a moment invited his colleague out to lunch.
After a brief bit of chit chat , he laid out in no uncertain terms that that was the last time he would allow this person to come to work with that attitude. 

Leave it at the door he told her.
Every one has bad days. Every one has days when they are not on top of their game. Every one has "stuff" to deal with. 
Deal with it on your own time!
I won't go back to that gas station for quite some time. There are way too many other places for me to gas up. I deserve to be treated better than I was today. There is no excuse for bad attitudes. 
And I for one will not accept that kind of behavior from anyone.

Tirade over!

Today I get to pick up right where I left off yesterday. The calm of being under control and attending to a normal routine continues. Included in my new normal is a trip to the gym. Other than Sunday mornings,I have not been to the gym since mid-March.
No excuses,I just haven't.
I am a little bit nervous, a little bit excited and a little bit apprehensive.
I am not using my trainer but I did have a conversation with him. Always the optimist he is convinced that in a very short period of time muscle memory will kick in and I will quickly get back into the shape I was once in. 
He is much more optimistic than I am!
My action plan is to do 6 different apparatus today. 
Then tomorrow 6 more.
And the next day 6 more.
My plan is to work my way through the gym ,each day using some device, apparatus or piece of equipment that I have in the past. Believe it or not,at one point in time there were very few, less than a handful of machines, gadgets or accessories that I had not incorporated into my workouts.
Am I disappointed in myself?
Not really.
I made the choices.
I had the opportunity to change.
Clearly I chose to spend my resources on other activities. 
Today,I have made this a priority.

Today I can add this to my plate without heaping it on top of something else.
When I have tried to do this in the past,it became messy. 
I don't do well with messy!
I like order.
I like organized. 
Others thrive on mayhem.
Not me.
Like every thing else that I do in life,it's one thing at a time. 
Now is the time to get back to the gym.
As far as that disappointed thing.....I'll let you know after my workout!

For the first time in a very long time I feel as if I am about to settle into a manageable, sustainable routine.
My calendar has been for the most part a daily exercise of cutting and pasting this or that item to it. 2 weeks of filling in for the other driver while he was on vacation. Work shortened weeks because of Memorial Day,Shavuos and the 4th of July.
Add in covering at the shop when called upon and the change in my own driving schedule to include Sunday afternoons and now Sunday mornings, my daily routine has been unsettled at best.
Toss in the mountain of yard work I kept trying to accomplish and the prohibitive weather, either rain or heat,I felt as if life was like sitting in rush hour traffic  or a construction zone.
Today feels different. And as far as I can tell,there is a clear road ahead as well.
I have to admit that this has me feeling pretty darn happy.
Life is easier when the sailing is smooth.
Actually, as I write this I am reminded of a thought I had about a week ago and never had the opportunity to share with you. 
What I am no longer feeling is desperate.
Desperate people do desperate things.
This is not a good place to be......ever!
Driven, challenged, tested are all manageable.
With a clear mind and focus any challenge can be met.
 Desperation is entirely different. It clouds decision making. It poisons everything around you.
The choices made when driven by desperation are probably not the ones that I would make in a clearer more thoughtful state of mind.
I like not being desperate. 
Desperation leads to selfishness. All I can think of is myself, even when I think I am concerned for others.
I know for sure that when I am feeling desperate I am constantly searching for a way out instead of a new adventure.
Today there is no desperation and I am excited to be continuing on my Journey once again.

I was pressed (actually volunteered) in to action at the shop yesterday . As luck would have it, some guy stopped in...asked if we muzzled and when we said when we need to he said great...when can I bring in my dog for his nails. Of course we handle nails on a walk in basis so we said whenever. He returned about 15 minutes later. It was just after 4....I had just finished drying our last dog and he asked if we could bathe his dog. Since he wouldn't need grooming, just bath,brush and nails we said sure.

This 3 year old Rottie mix had a really cute sweet face. There was a puppy like quality to him.His name was Theodore and he answered to Teddy. 

I took his owners contact information, added Teddy to our scheduling module and soon enough we were off to the bathing room.

Now do you remember the original question" Do you muzzle?"

Obviously there was a reason for his query.

About half way through his bath, as I was applying some conditioner to make his hair soft and shiny,wham-mo! 
He got me!
This dog named Teddy went from Teddy as in teddy bear to Ted as in Bundy in a flash. 
Now I had a soaking wet version of Kudjo on my hands!
I managed to calm him down enough so I could wash off the cream rinse.
I opted to not try towel drying him off and went straight to using the dryer while he was still confined to the tub.
Once again, Kudjo appeared and it became obvious to me that I needed a new plan of action.
So I got a harness around his neck and escorted him out of the tub and into the drying cage.
He was not thrilled at this prospect either,still we seemed to come to a meeting of the minds.
He would stop thrashing about if I would stay and talk to him . So for the next hour that's what I did. We talked about life and attitudes and how if you treat people with respect they will reciprocate in kind.
He seemed to understand and eventually when Susan finished her last hair cut, it was time for Ted to get his manicure and pedicure.
We put the muzzle on with no problem . 
Still we had a feeling that Kudjo had not left the building.
30 seconds later, our suspicions were confirmed.
There would be no nail care today....that was for sure!
I called his Dad and explained that the good news is Teddy was now nice and clean. The not so good news is he was still going to hear tap tap tap when Teddy walked on the hard wood floors because there was no way we could trim his nails.
When Ted's dad came to get him he was very understanding and said it was no big deal,he would take him to the vet as he normally does, He went on to regale us with other stories about how sweet Teddy turns into the beast from hell at the drop of a hat.
Really!
Okay maybe that bit of information might have been useful before I almost lost an arm!
Okay...so it wasn't a bad bite. I reacted quickly and his snarling gnashing teeth barely broke skin. Still.....it was as close as I have come to a real mishap.
Lesson of the day.....listen carefully!
When the first question is do you muzzle and when you reply yes, the customer replies GREAT! maybe you should rethink the situation!
Shavua Tov!

Movie Clip of the Day:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXn2QVipK2o 

So I had an accident yesterday. Not an "OMG are you okay kind of accident".Other than ripping off some molding on my car, there was no damage.
It was hot out, in the mid 90's.
The Sun was beating down on us.
The other driver was a really rude elderly gentleman with a heavy Eastern European accent.
He hit me.
 He became inpatient waiting for the car in front of him to make a left turn so his obvious choice was to swerve left and scrape down the driver's side of my car. 
Fortunately I saw this happening so I veered right to minimize the impact.
He caught me on my driver's side door and continued until he reached my front bumper.
When he finally pulled over and stopped, he checked HIS car , was happy to see there was no damage and proceeded to proclaim"it's nothing!".
I looked at my molding lying in the street.
I asked myself"is this going to be worth the hassle?"
My insurance will take a hit.....it always does. 
Fixing one stretch of molding on my car would be like putting perfume on a pig
(it would still be a pig!).
And did I really want to deal with this obviously clueless and rude individual?
I started to pull my license from my wallet when I realized that it expired at the end of June. 
Great....if we call the cops, I'll end up with a ticket on top of everything else.
I looked at this old man who seemed annoyed that I was keeping him from whatever he had to attend to.
I asked myself"is anything good going to come out of this?"
The only answer that I could come up with is "probably not!"
I looked at my assailant ,shook my head and said " Be more careful next time".
With absolutely no response or acknowledgement,he got back in his car,sped off once again cutting across traffic . I picked up the trim from my door, placed it on the rear seat and headed off to finish my shopping for Shabbat.
The good news is after spending 2 hours at Motor Vehicle this morning I now have a new license with an updated picture of the new and improved me!
Now if I only had a good body shop!
Shabbat Shalom!

I am dealing with feelings of solitude on this particular How Am I Doin' Friday. I am feeling alone. Not lonely,just alone.
As I lay in bed last night staring at the ceiling (for some reason I just could not fall asleep) I started to think about people who are friends , acquaintances,colleagues, associates, and relatives . 
I don't spend much time with most of them.
I work alone in my office.
I drive my bus which is a fairly solitary event.
I go about my daily business, shopping, banking, preparing meals and other tasks by myself.
I don't feel cut off or isolated in any way. 
I just feel like I am alone an awful lot. 
Susan and I travel to South Jersey every week,spending 3 -4 hours in the car together.
There isn't much if any real conversation that takes place on these trips. We just enjoy each other's company.
I don't have any play dates except my Sunday mornings with my cousin. 
We drive to the gym together and have a quick weekly catch up. Then we workout for app. 45 minutes , each doing his own thing, and after this we spend about 30 minutes chatting over a cup of coffee. 
Occasionally , I have a few minutes to catch up face to face or by phone with a friend, but for the most part my conversations are limited to 3 people, me,myself and I.
Is this a character flaw of mine?
I wonder.
Most days this goes unnoticed. For some reason it is at the forefront of my thoughts today.
A dear friend had a birthday this week. I reached out, via text, and wished him well. I consider him a dear friend. We have not spoken in over a year, maybe 2. I have not seen him in over 3 years. Still I consider him a dear friend.
I suppose there is a difference between dear and close friends. One would imagine that there should be some regular communication and interaction to be close.
Dear has more of  to do with the heart,close is about the connection,the proximity and the availability.
I am not sure what is behind all of this. I know buried deep in this there must be something festering that I am sure will rise to the surface sometime in the future.
Like any pimple or blemish, it's probably best to not pick at it and leave it alone,so that is what I will do for now. 
I can wait until it comes to a head before tending to it . That's for sure. 
Shabbat Shalom!

In the middle of a conversation the other day ,a colleague said to me 'Well you know the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence".
I kept my mouth shut however in my head I heard myself say "bull crap!".
That is such a cop out.
The truth is that there are times that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. 
How did that happen?
I don't know. 
Maybe they had better soil.
Maybe they had better seed.
Maybe they had more sunlight.
Maybe they just worked harder at making sure they had a greener lawn.
I often look around and find myself content in the particular shade of green of my grass.
I know how much effort I put in to getting it to its current state. I am keenly aware of how brown it was at one point and how much better it looks today than when I started.
I also know that there are days when my grass seems to be fading.
This is a sure sign that I have let things go. I have become complacent or inattentive. 
If I hope to bring the color back , I have to put in the effort.
The same holds true when my envious side happens to notice that the grass on the other side of the fence is greener than mine. When I decide, when I choose to do something about it is when I will have the opportunity and ability to grow greener grass.
Yes I said envious.
I am only being honest.
There are days when I can look around me and see just how splendid the grass on my side of the fence is. On those days I feel truly blessed and I never want to take that for granted.
However, call me flawed as a person,there are times when that greener grass is very attractive. 
I start to feel the urge to have greener grass. 
When the urge becomes great enough, I know it is time for action. When the urge becomes overwhelming I also realize it may be time for an intervention!
That urge I feel is like a fire.
For some that fire burns bright. For others it barely burns. Some believe they can do without the fire.
Personally, I feel as if I am constantly stoking that fire,fanning those flames, all the while being acutely aware of just how green my grass is.
So either I get a higher fence or I do something about it.
But no matter what, I still keep the fire burning!

As I made my way from my car to my bus this morning I happened upon 2 little ones getting set to start their day at camp. The little girl greeted me with a "good morning". I responded in kind which prompted a good morning from her little brother. She was probably 4, he was younger , maybe 3 and Mom was busy putting an even younger one in a stroller.
My new young friend then asked"are you a bus driver?"
"Yes I am" I answered which of course led to the next question.
"Why?"
I explained that some people need a ride to come to the center.
This of course led to the next obvious question....
"Why?"
I said that some people don't dive cars.
Which of course led to another
"Why?"
I explained that sometimes people are too old or too young to drive.
Before I was bombarded with another "Why" which I am sure was about to come at me I asked her if she was old enough to drive.
In her most assuring terms she said" No! Mommy drives".
At which point Mommy chimed in and said "any more kids and I may have to become a bus driver as well".
We laughed and headed in opposite directions,me towards my bus and Mom and crew off to camp. 
As I started to pull my self up into the bus,a little voice called from across the parking lot
"By Mr. Bus Driver....have a nice day".
I wished her the same,smiled and set out to do my job!
After all I am the bus driver and people needed me to drive them.

My morning bus run was very quick today. I was actually home and at mt desk before 10 a.m.
Today is the first time in a very long time where I find myself in the position of being able to catch up.
I am not putting out fires of 1 sort or another. 
I have no demands on my time other than letting my daughter's dogs out and paying a shiva call .
I am not chasing overdue monies or catching up on deadlines of any sort.
Dinner is here and just needs to be prepared.
Besides a conference call with the West Coast and China in a short while, the rest of the day is mine.
As I said, an opportunity to catch up. 
I have some unanswered emails  to catch up on. One goes back to 5/22,which makes me think that this is the first time since Memorial Day that I have an opportunity to catch up with both a clear mind and a clear schedule.
It's kind of refreshing!
Besides the 30 or so archived emails, there are a number of people who I would like to reach out to as well as a number of items that I want to take care of today. 
Although I am not a proponent of to-do lists per se, I do believe that a reminder list is called for. I may not get to every one or every thing. However with out a list I am sure  that something will slip by me.
The shiva call that I will make is to the home of one of my bus patrons. This is the first time since I started driving back in February that I have "lost" a passenger.
Some have left. Some have gone on to alternate care facilities. 
Ellie is the first of my new friends to pass away.
When I took this job 6 months ago, it never dawned on me that I would develop relationships with any of these people.
They were passengers on the bus I happened to be driving. That's it.
It was a job, a paycheck,nothing more.
Little did I know!
So I will pay a shiva call this afternoon. I will not know a sloe there.
I have never mt her family.
They will wonder who this guy is and why is he here I am sure.
All I know is there is a part of me that understands why I must pay my respects.
And I am glad that the day has afforded me to clarity of thought and open schedule that I can choose to carve out a tiny moment in time to follow this.

Monday morning and off to South Jersey. After a bit of a reprieve yesterday,we have chosen to "do the right thing" and make our weekly pilgrimage. Trust me,the other option of a day at the beach was very tempting. 
Bottom line is the beach will always be there and.....well enough said.
I even tried to jam a few hours of sun time in before heading over to them.
A lack of planning om ,y part probably sabotaged that.
Even after deciding to forgo the shore, there was still an opportunity to head out and get in some rays.
The whole thing seemed just a bit to forced and would have meant some fairly finite , exact moves something 30 years of marriage has taught me never really seems to happen.
Instead of creating a chaotic frenzied trip, I have opted to pass on our excursion and find alternative ways to spend my day,including writing to you.
I have an important phone call to make later in the day, one that I want to be in a quiet, uninterrupted state for.
Sitting on the beach would have been just the thing. 
Instead I'll probably find some corner to steal away to where I can concentrate and not be interrupted.
A lunch date with Susan will take the place of the beach date. 
All good!
Maybe next week, weather permitting,I'll plan a little better and we can make this happen.
It would be nice however if every once in a while spontaneous could be part of my world.
 Okay ,one can always dream!

Every once in a great while I experience a day of such deep satisfaction that I say to myself "self........this is what life is about!"
Today has been one of those days. 
If you were to ask me what was so special about today,I would be at a complete loss to answer you.
Yesterday I cut the grass and spent a good part of the afternoon cleaning up after the dogs (use your imagination!).
This morning with no commitment to driving down to South Jersey, Susan and I had the opportunity to do some yard work. We swept both the side deck and the back deck. We put away all of the "stuff" that has been ignored since we began our Spring yard work. a rake, a shovel, a few brooms,some electrical gear, a bunch of hand tools and various gardening tools.
We pulled weeds and moved patio blocks and lumber.
I cleaned off all of the shelves and storage bins we have on the decks. I laid all of the cushions from the patio furniture out in the sun, drying them out and eventually shaking and sweeping off the dirt. 
A few weeks ago, I found that after moving my office suite around, I can hang my extra speakers from my computer out the window and have music fill the yard.
After 3 hours of cleaning we had some lunch on the back deck before heading up to sit by the pool.
When all had quieted down, I looked around and saw it was good!
The deck ,which is now 26 or 27 years old looked fresh and clean. The yard was manicured , at least to my standards. 
The pool was crystal clear and refreshing to swim in.

Soon it was 3 o'clock and time for me to make my Sunday afternoon run. 
I drove the tree lined streets of Bergen County dropping off the handful of Seniors who are on my Sunday route.
Everything seemed so calm,so natural, so peaceful.
For a brief moment on a Sunday afternoon, I understood happy.
It really felt nice!

16 months ago, on a drizzly Monday night in April, I found myself at what I can only describe as one of,if not the, lowest place I have ever been.
On an impromptu visit to a friend, I backed Susan's car into a tree,smashing out the back window and amassing almost $4000 in other damages to the vehicle.
On the ride home, after cleaning up the broken glass, I lost it.
I could no longer hold it together. Tears flowed down my face and I sobbed like an infant.
When the tears finally stopped I was done. Not done crying, just done.
I felt as if I was out of options. 
I did not have any answers.
I didn't know where or to whom, or how to get answers to how I could move on in life.
I felt as if I was in the middle of the ocean and sapped of any strength to keep myself from succumbing and sinking into the depths of this miserable sea that was surrounding me. 
Surely, I was done. 
My options were limited.
I could just let go, give in, and sink.
Maybe a miracle would come along, a life boat or a rescue plane.
That really only happens to Tom Hanks in the movies.
Instead I chose to lay back and float as I weighed my options.
I was tired. 
Tired of treading water .
Tired of battling the currents and the choppy sea.
Tired of the pounding of the waves.
Tired of the overwhelming endlessness of the water around me.
Drowning seemed to be an inevitability.
Surely there was no way out and there would be no tomorrow.
When I woke up the next morning, I was still alive.
Imagine that!
Now what should I do?
The only thing I knew how to do. I rolled over from floating on my back and once again started swimming.
One stroke after another,I set off in search of a safe place to land.
For 16 months, I have continued to swim forward.
Surrounded by water, I just kept swimming, stroke after stroke believing I might get rescued or find land somehow. 
After a while I realized hat there would be no rescue. 
Oh sure,along the way, I ran into some well intentioned travelers on passing ships. Many offered to throw me a life preserver or a helping hand. The they would  get distracted by their own voyage and I once again found myself alone,swimming to who knew where.
A short while ago, as I continued swimming, I believed I saw what looked like land on the horizon.
 Was this real or a mirage?
Wishful thinking or perhaps I had stumbled upon dry land?
I did not have the strength to attempt to speed up towards that image in front of me,so I just kept swimming at my steady pace.
How far away was it?
Did it really exist?
I wasn't sure. 
I just knew that if in fact it was out there , eventually I would find it.
This morning I awoke to find myself lying on that distant beach.
For the first time in what seems like eternity, I feel as if I will not drown today.
There is no chance of that happening.
 I am on solid land!
Have I in fact found a brave new world where there is civilization?
Or is this just an island, as desolate as the sea?
Is there a Garden of Eden beyond the trees in front of me or is it a jungle even more treacherous than the ocean of despair I just came out of?
I have no idea. 
I just know that on this particular How am I doing Friday, I can stop swimming ,stand up right and get on with my life. 
Which is exactly what I will do.
Well....maybe after I sit for a little while,rest and enjoy the view!
Shabbat Shalom!

I was having a conversation with an acquaintance the other day when he said"time heals all wounds". He was speaking about a rift that had developed between himself and a colleague. He was of the mindset that enough time had passed , the sting he felt when this conflict first arose had dissipated and he felt that he would now be able to pick up where they had once been.
I listened to his reasoning and having a bit of insight into the particulars of this split, I was glad to see that he wanted to move on.
Of course this had me look at my own life and I found myself revisiting some relationships which have gone sour for me.
I think I have to disagree with my buddy. 
Time alone does not heal all wounds. 
Some wounds are very deep. Yes they scab over and heal to some degree. However when the scab falls off, there is a scar. 
Some scars are minute, inconsequential. Others are fairly noticeable and serve as daily reminders of the wound. And then there are the scars that are so pronounced that they are simply to hard to not notice. 
Some are so disfiguring that they can change a person's whole affect.
Time will never heal those wounds.
Some wounds need aggressive treatment.
Merely slapping a band-aid over them and saying "okay, lets move on" is not enough.
These wounds seem as if they might never heal.
I choose to believe that we can mend all wounds given enough time and care.
The key addition to my friend's original premise is the word care.
It takes care as well as time to heal a wound.
I guess I am looking at some of my own wounds and wondering if they will ever heal?
Honestly, not without care.
I have to care if I want them to heal. Otherwise they will just fester,scab over for a while,eventually flaring up and becoming infected again. If left unattended they can get worse, even becoming gangrenous.
Time alone will never heal that wound.
It needs care. 
If I want to heal,I have to care.

Constructive criticism.
Really?
Criticism by it's very definition infers that I am doing something wrong.
 Personally I prefer the term constructive observational suggestions.
I don't know about you, but when I get "constructive criticism" I shut down. 
When I don't completely tune it out, I often respond by digging my heels in and sticking with my behavior or actions that are being critiqued.
Admittedly, I have become much more open to listening to suggestions than I may have been in the past. Still when it comes at me under the guise of "constructive criticism" I am less inclined to listen to, never mind act upon it.

I am confident in my abilities.
I consider myself of better than average intelligence.
I have a keen knack for problem solving. 
My observational skills are also better than most.
As I stated previously, I am much better today than in the past at taking guidance and suggestions. I follow directions well, especially when I have the ability to process information using my specific skills and methods.
I am not perfect.
Lord knows,I don't even come close.I am open to new ideas and ways to do things.
 I just can't abide it when it comes at me in the form of "constructive criticism".

Looks like it is going to be a pretty nice day here today. The Sun is shining and the skies are mostly clear.After the drenching we took yesterday, we can certainly use a drying out period.
It's kind of a quiet day for me. After dropping Susan at the shop, I made a bank run before returning home and doing some laundry.
We have had some flooding issues with our washer lately.
Today is the first time we have tried using the machine in a couple of weeks.I am happy to report that all went well.
Not only that, but while watching over the beast to make sure that things were going smoothly, I had the opportunity to pick up around the laundry room. 
There is this tendency for piles to accumulate over time. 
I decided to attack some of this today. Lo and behold, buried in one of these piles were 5 pairs of slacks that have been missing from my wardrobe for months. I am not sure where they came from or how they ended up buried with a number of sheets and pillow cases.
None the less, I will take them along with 1 nice summer dress shirt to the dry cleaners and add them to my closet.
There is another mystery basket for me to go through as well. 
Who knows what gems I might find in that?
I decided to go through my dresser as well given that I will probably find a few things that should be put away in there.
Why do I own 7 black t-shirts , all size medium?
I don't really wear t-shirts.
( I think my wife is having an affair with a biker who is slight of build!)
I know it's nice outside , however I have the feeling that the majority of my day will be spent indoors.
We have a bbq we are attending tomorrow and I have to prepare some veggie platters and a fruit salad.
More indoor work.
This purging of the laundry room will also keep me inside for a bit of time.
No big deal. The grass was cut earlier this week and everything is still fairly damp from yesterday's downpour.
The one outside project I really want to get at is cleaning out and organizing my shed.
If it doesn't get to hot, that may be on the agenda later in the day
Come to think of it, when I accomplish all of this today I will have had an awfully successful and productive day for a quiet day. 
Time to have at it!
Shabbat Shalom!

It was barely drizzling when I set out on my first run on this How Am I Doin' Friday.
It wasn't even a constant drizzle, kind of on again off again.
By the time I started my second run, the rain had become more steady.
Half way to my first stop, the skies opened up and for the next hour the rain was nothing short of a downpour.
Of course , these last 2 stops were both wheelchairs.
At stop #1 I was able to park under an overhang and for the most part I stayed relatively dry.
At my next stop, I wasn't quite as fortunate. The rain just would not let up. The pick up was at a single family residence where I park in the middle of the street to accommodate the handicap lift.
To say I got wet would be the understatement for the day.
As the torrents of precipitation rained down on me, I spent a full 5 minutes as the first day aide tried to maneuver her charge and wheelchair.
The 10 minute ride back to the center was uncomfortable at best. 
The center has no overhang. I park in the middle of the parking lot.The same torrential downpour that I experienced a few minutes earlier was greeting me with yet a further soaking. 
10 minutes and 2 wheelchairs later, I stowed my lift and made my way back to park the bus for the week and head home in my car.
That's when I realized that I had left my windows slightly open. Not only was I soaked, so was my seat.
The 20 minute ride home felt like an hour!
I made my way into the house, stripped off my wet clothes, toweled myself off and donned some warm dry sweats.
I then made my way to my desk and as I looked up and out the window, the Sun was shining ,the birds were singing and all was good in the World once more.
That's how I am doing on this How Am I Doin' Friday!
Shabbat Shalom!

My rabbi among others, always greets and refers to me as Big Dave. 
A while ago I addressed my apprehensions around no longer being Big Dave. After all I had lost almost 50% of Big Dave . It seemed that this name might no longer fit the new sized me.
After months and months of wrestling with this I have come to a couple of conclusions.
#1 is that given that the average height for an american male is 5'9" ,at 6' I will always be Big Dave.
#2 is that the ideal given that the ideal weight for someone of my height is 170 pounds I will always be Big Dave.
(I will never weigh 170 ponds again in my life ....if I ever did)
 Last but not least, Big Dave says more about the person I am than my size. Therefore I will certainly always be Big Dave.
I think BIG!
I do BIG!
My persona is BIG!
And when I choose to use it, even my smile is BIG!
I give BIG hugs.
I have a BIG heart.
I have BIG dreams.
I have a BIG personality.
I have BIG ideas.
I have BIG goals.
I am BIG!
I do BIG!
I live BIG!
SO no worries .....Big Dave ain't going away.
No matter how much weight I lose!