The Right Choice!

I don't like disruptions in my routine.
My schedule helps to keep me organized and focused.
Sunday through Friday,I drive the bus.On those days everything else I do is fit in around my runs.
I keep my to do list short enough to ensure that everything gets addressed (if not always accomplished).
Today,there are no bus runs. 
The Center is holding its annual Spring Boutique which utilizes the entire building.
This has afforded me some extra time which quite frankly I am not sure what to do with. 
I did not plan this out very well.
It's not that I can't find some stuff to occupy my time. Trust me there is always stuff.
I am more concerned with filling my day with something useful and productive. 
My fear is that at the end of the day I will have squandered an opportunity to accomplish something relevant or important.
Last week the NFL held its annual draft. For weeks, the writers in the newspapers and the pundits and talk show hosts on t.v. and radio pontificated on which teams should pick which player. They analyzed team needs, past draft histories,failures and busts.
They evaluated each and every possible entrant available in the field.
They went at this for weeks. 
After it was all said and done and it came down to draft day, each team made their picks. I later heard an interview with one NFL executive who wrapped all of this nonsense up in a nutshell.
He said "when it came our time to pick, it was not about needs at a position , the future of the franchise, or anything else.It was and always will be about what choice will make us better now."
Which is exactly where I find myself in this moment. 
I have been gifted with a few precious free hours. 
I can't fret about squandering them.
That's a waste of time. I will find something that will help make my life better, and just do it.
That can mean just about anything.
Anything that is except worrying about making the "right" choice!

What A Difference A Day Makes (part 2)!

 Last Sunday in part 1 of "what a difference a day makes" I wrote about my son Max and the changes in his life over the last 42 months. There were no seminal moments or huge upheavals during that time. For him it has been all about the compounding effects of doing the little things, the positive things, day after day ,one day at a time.
As a father, I never want to single out the accomplishments of one of my children over the others.  
After all, Max is not the only one who through hard work and consistent effort , has changed the trajectory of his life.
My daughter Sara had a really good job that she loved and excelled at. She was a rising star in a good company. Her bosses and supervisors loved her and her accomplishments had not gone unnoticed by the "right" people within the organization.
Life was good!
That was until they closed the facility that she had taken command of .
The new plan was to move her along, up the ladder at the newer bigger location.
Of course instead of the 15 minute commute (on a busy day) that she had enjoyed there would now be almost an hour, plus tolls and that's if there was no traffic .
 Given that we live in Northern New Jersey, what are the chances of even 1 morning or evening rush hour commute without traffic?
Things deteriorated quickly and she soon found herself looking for new avenues of employment. 
She did find her next job....and then another ....and then another...and then...well you get where this was going. 
Correct......nowhere!
A year ago, Sara had had enough of this . It was time to find something other than just another job. 
She made the decision to leave her current job and return to school, nursing school to be more precise.
Nursing had always been on her radar screen for a number of reasons.
While I really didn't understand her choice to leave a decent enough job with very little demands, I totally supported her decision. 
It would mean no income for 2 years.
Life would be different.
The extras that she and Patrick had become used to would have to be set aside for the time being. 
Travel was a big part of that.
(BTW,,,,,much credit to Patrick for his support as well!)
This week Sara finished up year 1 of 2,. Basically she's half way home now. She is doing great,excelling at everything that comes her way once again.
Sara's story , like Max's from a week ago is not about getting to a final place. It's about a Journey and a course of action that builds first a foundation and then the rest of the structure.
Neither one of them had a blue print of how things were supposed to work out. That doesn't matter.
They grabbed their respective tool kits and set to work. The results speak for themselves.
As for Patrick and Sara's travel plans? Well the have managed to get away again this week,this time to Ireland, where by the way, he just happened to ask her to marry him!
Pretty cool huh!
Shavua Tov!

Feel it and the Fix it!

8:48 in the morning.
In the 3 hours since I first opened my eyes, my state of being has really spiraled in the wrong direction. 
Maybe it has something to do with the weather (it's has become a dreary,drizzly chilly morning).
Maybe the scale (not my friend again today).
Maybe it was my trip to the suit store (I knew that would mess with my head).
Possibly even the bank balances ( they just never seem to grow!)
Maybe it's because it's Friday and we won't be having our weekly family Shabbat dinner .
(Becca is having oral surgery and Sara and Patrick are leaving for vacation tonight).
Probably all of the above and much more.
As I sat getting dressed this morning , realizing it was a How Am I Doin' Friday and that I would be writing to you to let you know just how I am doing, it dawned on me that maybe I bring this state of mind on by my thoughts (and in these emails).
I get a few emails from others who write regularly.
They all seem to use their writing to summon positive forces from The Universe.
When I read their stuff I am convinced that they all must live in some nirvana, where the Sun always shines, the grass is always green, there is no humidity, and the temperature is perfectly at just the right setting.
Flowers are always in bloom, birds are of course always singing and every home in the neighborhood has a babbling brook running outside of it.
I tend to write what I am experiencing.
I learned a long time ago that "Fake it til you make it" is not for me. 
Instead I have adopted a philosophy of feel it and then fix it.
There are ups and downs in life.
Our moods rise and fall with them.
Learning to keep the bar down on the roller coaster of life ensures that I never get too high or too low.
Wallowing in depression is not a good thing.
Flying in a state of constant euphoria is delusional.
Acknowledging what I feel, when I feel it is real.
Sometimes not fun, but real none the less.
Aha moment....in the past, on a morning like this, a cup of coffee and a danish would have been the perfect antidote (read cover up) for feeling the way I do today.
In the moments during and directly after consuming my sugary, decadent fix I would have felt satiated.
Shortly there after I would have felt guilty and that would have led me down the path towards a pastrami sandwich for lunch, grabbing a couple of other things to munch on along the way and ultimately deepening my dower mood.
My choice today is a couple of minutes of quiet reflection, and then that cup of coffee (you always have to have the coffee!).BTW.....as the rain continues to fall , The Sun is doing it's darnedest to peek through.
I'm gonna go grab that coffee and set about my day which I am sure will end with a rainbow in the sky!
Shabbat Shalom!

Mom's Birthday!

As I was filling in the date at the top of this email I remembered it was my Mom's birthday today. It's hard to believe that it has been over two decades since she passed away.
I do miss her.
It's an absolutely gorgeous Spring day here in northern New Jersey. It's not quite shirt sleeve weather yet,however it's still pretty early in the day. I am sure by game time (the Yankees have a 1 pm start) it may very well be.
My day stated out in a fairly mundane fashion.
The scale was basically stuck on the same number from yesterday. Not quite a plateau, just a resting spot.
With Thursdays being my last bus driving day of the week, I am looking forward to a few days reprieve from behind the wheel.
Yesterday I searched the internet for some ideas as to where I might go to buy my new suit for this upcoming wedding.
 Damn are they expensive!
I was not looking forward to having to deal with that.
Did you ever notice though when you search for something on line, suddenly every one wants to sell it to you?
That's exactly what happened to me. 
Thank Goodness!
Jos. A. Banks  regular price $890....on sale for $98.92!
Guess where I am headed today?
Something cool did happen to me though that I wanted to share with you.
In 3 separate conversations this morning,in mid sentence on a completely unrelated subject, 3 different people interrupted themselves, turned to me and said "wow ., you look great!....really great!......really healthy".
While it was flattering and uplifting, the truth of the matter is that I am exactly the same weight I was in January.
I have noticed some shifts. 
My wrists are very slim. 
My socks go on more easily and go further up my calves.
My forearms are skinnier.
And for the most part, I am much more comfortable in my own skin.
It almost makes me want to forego the trip to the men's store, where I will don a jacket and be reminded of how the number on the sleeve is way bigger than where I once was or where I want to be.
I guess I'll just have to deal with it.
 Time to suck it up. 
I can't wear jeans to a wedding!

Slow Down!

 After sending my daily email yesterday I was absolutely horrified by what I had sent out. Not the content, however the sloppy manner in which I had sent it.

Misspelled words,citing wrong things and missing letters.

I felt stupid, and very disappointed in myself.

I understand that it really was no big deal.

I just hold myself to a higher standard than that.

I also know that when I get that sloppy in one area of my life,there is bound to be a spill over into other areas as well.

Getting sloppy is as contagious as the plague!

When I don't pay attention to the details of getting little things like grammar and spelling correct, more important things like my diet and my appearance end up in the same malaise.

The carry over may effect my attitude and concentration behind the wheel.

My finances can also easily burgeon out of control.

Trust me, it does not take long for clutter to become chaos. 

Thankfully, red flags popped up all around me when I saw what I had written.

Bells,whistles, alarms, sirens and flashing lights could not have alerted me any more than what I read.

All of this is easily rectified.....SLOW DOWN!

Slow down and pay attention David.

Something may be brewing under the surface that I am unaware of. 

That's fine. I'll deal with it when and if it surfaces. In the meantime SLOW DOWN and pay attention. 

Pay attention to the details. 

Handle (don't sweat) the small stuff.

Be alert.

Be observant.

Pay attention and most of all slow down.

Whew.....glad I got that off of my chest!

How Freudian!

A few weeks ago I signed up for an online course for Mindfulness Practitioners. 
I was introduced to mindfulness by Rabbi Yael Levy .
I also have attended a number of seminars ,workshops and classes at The Krame Center for Mindfulness and Contemplative Studies at Ramapo College. Anything they offer for free is for me!
The course I am taking will take me from Level 1 (where I am now) through Levels 2 & # and eventually through Master Practitioner.
While this may sound really impressive, it's really not. 
I honestly have no idea what doors will open or what this acquired knowledge will do for me.
I do know that mindfulness resonates with me, hence why I am taking this course.
This week we dealt with Freud's levels of consciousness., the conscious mind, the subconscious mid and the unconscious mind.
More than a few light bulbs turned on for me.
This morning I saw my reflection in the mirror. My conscious mind said "presentable". My reality of the here and now saw an image of a fairly normal looking man.
My sub-conscious mind, the one that does all of the thinking, began plotting out how to improve upon the image in the mirror.
My food plan for the day. 
How much I have lost.
How much more do I need to lose.
How much time is available before I have to squeeze into a suit and what will can I expect to accomplish in that limited time frame.
All good stuff.
Ahh...but then my unconscious mind took over. Like the Titanic hitting the iceberg, it was the unseen part deep below the surface that would sink my spirits and eventually lead to catastrophic results.
My unconscious mind with all of its baggage,the fears,the guilt,the doubt,the self loathing accumulated over years and years of my life crept in.
There was the disappointment in not being where I once was. 

There were all of the sets of eyes judging me again.

I heard the little voices in my head that said Fat David, you're just not as good as every one else.

Here's the scary part. I have no control over my subconscious mind.

When these thoughts pop up, they come from a lifetime of bad experiences.

They happen to all of us.

The good news is I am getting much better at responding to them.

Through my study of mindfulness I am developing an understanding of how to deal with the here and now of my life instead of the piles of and heaps of garbage that for years has controlled my life.

Pretty neat stuff if you ask me!

BTW....the image in the mirror wasn't half bad!

Where Did He Go?

A few months after I began this Journey, having experienced a modicum of success, I felt the need to begin dressing the part.
I traded in my sweat pants and over sized shirts for jeans, a dress shirt , and tie.
Now that I was feeling better about myself, it was time to let the world know it.
Tucking my shirt tails in and wearing a tie became a badge of honor.
For over 3 years. I would not leave the house without putting on a dress shirt and tie. 
There would be no more hiding behind the uniform of those who have given up.
When warmer weather rolled around last year and I found myself in the new position of having to drive a bus every day, I opted to revisit my choice of wardrobe.
My shirt and tie were replaced by golf shirts or knit shirts.
I added wearing shorts as an option as well.
It felt funny and a bit too casual for me but I eventually got used to it.
I knew that once the leaves started to turn and the air grew cooler I would once again become the Guy in the Tie.
That never happened.
Much to my surprise, I found a new look that carried me through all of the fall and winter.
Hoodies!
 Jeans, a pull over hoodie and a pair of sneakers became the new normal.
Besides looking cool, it was way more functional than wearing a dress shirt and tie.
It also covered up a multitude of sins (read pounds gained!).
Guess what?
Spring is here and it will soon be too warm to throw on a hoodie every morning. 
Here is where the rubber meets the road . 
You can't hide those extra pounds in a golf shirt!
I have become comfortable in this more casual style of dress. 
It's easier and freer than the buttoned up feeling of a button down and tie.
My vanity (yes I do have some) wants to make sure that I still look presentable,.......oh what the heck , good.
It's important to me to know that when I leave the house and in front of people I am not viewed as one of those fat guys.
You know the look. 
The B.O.B.s (Belly Over Belt ) guys.
The only spare tires I ever want to see should be in the trunk of my car.
For years I was either plus size,portly or big man.
Now they call my frame "athletic" (that makes me laugh!).
I do happen to look good in and like wearing jogging suits.
They are comfortable and functional for my life style (yes I have a lifestyle!)
As for the Guy in the Tie?
I think I'll drag him out every now and then as well.
After all, he does make a statement whenever he shows up!
Shavua Tov!

What a Difference a Day Makes!

 What a difference a day makes!
Well in this case a whole lot of days.
42 month's worth to be exact.
It was just about 42 months ago when my son and I set out on a mission to get him a new car.
At the time, he was unemployed.
His car had blown up.
It would have taken thousands to get it up and running.
He had no money.
He had no credit .
He couldn't get any credit because he had no credit. 
His future would need much illumination to rise too bleak.
To say that he was not a happy camper would have been an understatement of epic proportions. 
The day before we set out on this quest to get him some wheels, I got a call from a friend of mine.
"Is Max still looking for work?'
 "Absolutely "was my reply.
He said he had a few, 10 hours , a week that he could offer him.
"He'll see you Monday" I replied.
Hey something is way better than nothing!
I was able to lease a car and somehow get Max's name on the lease. 
Monday morning, he got into his new car and went off to work,all 10 hours of it.
It was a start.
The 10 hour a week job soon began to grow. 15 hours became 20 hours and so on. 
By the end of his first year Mr. Part Time job was offered a full time position, title and all of the benefits that come with it.
If my memory serves me correctly, in the 42 months since he started working, I can barely remember him calling out sick.
Max donned the responsibility that came with the job and wears it as his uniform.
Yesterday, Max turned in that leased vehicle. 
Yesterday, Max got approved,on his own, with his stellar credit rating,for his new car.
What a difference a day makes!
Well actually 1207 days but who's counting!
The compound effect of improving ones's self one day at a time.
Amazing!

Finally a ME day!

The good news on this How Am I Doin' Friday is that I actually had a 2 hour window of absolutely no pain in my back. 
Those 2 hours were on Wednesday morning from about 2 am to 4 am, however, it's a start. I mean absolutely no pain. I could roll over in bed,curl up on my side and even stand up without even the slightest tinge of discomfort. 
Definitely progress!
Today is a different story , so I'll just have to deal with it.
The weight loss is doing its thing.
14 days until I have to make a decision to squeeze into something in my closet or go and buy something ,giving myself enough time for alterations (I'm never going to be an off the rack kind of body!).
The Verizon guy is here hooking up my phone line. I've been without it for about 3 weeks now.
It's a bright sunny day. 
One quick trip to pick up tonight's protein (that would be chicken ,after all it is Friday night!) and dinner will be all but heated up. 
Susan set the table last night while I was at the airport picking up my brother and sister in law (don't ask about that fiasco!).
All in all, it seems to be an easy, quiet day.
Notice I didn't say lazy...I said quiet.
I surely can use a day like this. 
Francisco, the other driver, was away last week so I covered my runs and half of his runs as well. I have not had any down or me time in 2 weeks. It takes a toll,mentally,physically and emotionally. 
So what are my BHAGS for the day?
(Big Hairy Audacious Goals)
Catching up!
Clearing my desk, tying up loose ends and checking in with people.
 Lots of people.
I just want to reconnect.To myself as much as to others. 
Fridays are my me days and I certainly missed having one last week. 
Shabbat Shalom!

A life changing event

Upon returning from a weekend of workshops and seminars a good friend of mine could not wait to share his experience with me.
"It was life altering!" he exploded when I answered my phone. 
He went on and on about how fantastic and illuminating and exhilarating it all was and how it changed his entire life.
He was so excited , he could hardly contain himself.
I listened intently not to miss any of what he was going on about (just in case he decided to quiz me later on!).
Seriously , I was glad that he had experienced such a game changing weekend.
No matter what I said however, he kept insisting "no you don't understand....this changed my life".
I suppose he's right.
At least for himself.

Yes there are some epic events that will stay at the forefront of our memories.
It is true that there are a few incidents in our lives that we consider seminal.
I kind of see things a little differently. A few years ago, I read Darren Hardy's book, The Compound Effect.
It was one of those light bulb moments for me as well.
After reading it, I understood that my life,or should I say all of our lives are a series of choices ,each and every one of them having consequences and outcomes.
Each and every choice we make leads us to the next choice and then the next choice and then the next choice. And each one alters us in some way.
So while my friends weekend was , as he put it, a life changing experience, I choose to believe that every choice we make is.
Some good, some not so good.
Take my trip to Starbucks yesterday.
I chose a cup of coffee, black. about 2 bucks and zero calories. I could have chosen some fancy concoction that had 500 calories or more and cost $5. 
Do that every day of the week and I've thrown away $21 and added  3500 calories, which by the way is 1 pound.
Do that for a year and I would have squandered over $1000 and gained a whopping 50 plus pounds. 
Talk about life altering choices!
I know it's seems like a far fetched comparison , but is it?
I don't think so.
Every choice is life changing. 
It may be incrementally so, but it does have an outcome, which of course effects the next choice. 
That in the most simple of terms is the definition of life changing!
I think I will go and make myself a salad for lunch.
Altering my food choices is way easier than altering my wardrobe!

Yom Hazikaron

Although I had at least 3 other things I wanted to share with you today, nothing seemed more meaningful than to acknowledge Yom Hazikaron. 
What is Yom Hazikaron?
In 1963, the Israeli Parliament enacted into law that this day the 4th day of Iyar would be a national of remembrance day observed  for all Israeli military personnel who lost their lives in the struggle that led to the establishment of the State of Israel and for those who have been killed subsequently while on active duty in Israel’s armed forces.As of Yom Hazikaron 2018, that number was 23,645.There have been 4 new holidays added to the modern Jewish calendar since 1948.
Yom Hashoah which observed last week is a memorial for those who died in The Holocaust.
Yom Ha'atmaut, Israeli Independence Day is tomorrow.
Yom Yerushlaim, which commemorates the reunification in 1967 of Jerusalem is Sunday May 13th.
For those of us still living in The Diaspora, (Google it), it may be difficult to connect completely to the last 3 holidays in the same way that someone who lives or grew up in Israel does. Still it is important that we are aware of and take notice of the significance of them. 
Yom Hashoah is different. 
If you look at most contemporary calendars, that list holidays, it will probably appear on them.
Yom Hashoah is Universal. 
No one, Jew or gentile should ever forget.
Yesterday, I spoke a number of times to a dear friend of mine who is Israeli.
I heard in his voice the tremendous depth of his sorrow.
His sorrow for the day and his sorrow for not being in Israel on this day. 
His connection to this is something I can't even begin to feel, even as tears rolled down my face.
I may not feel it the same way he does, however, I know that it is important to me.
It is important that I commemorate the day. It is important that I share this day. 
It always comes down to this one very important question.
If not me then who?

Skinny Suits

As the days tick away and this wedding I am attending draws closer, it is becoming painfully obvious to me that I will have to buy a new suit.
Unfortunately,  my efforts won't allow for any suit or sports coat in my wardrobe to fit just yet. 
Quite honestly, except for the jacket that Sara bought me 3 years ago and the tux that I bought back then, I have not bought a suit in a very long time.
Believe it or not, styles do change so a new addition to my closet isn't the worst thing.
This has led me to start thinking about what my outfit for this affair might be.
As I drove past The Suit Store this morning, I glanced at the mannequins in the window. 
Each and every one of them was sporting a "skinny" suit. 
It seems this is the new "in" thing. 
The Skinny Suit.
Dumb!
I don't like it!
Quite frankly,it's a bit too effeminate for me.
When did men lose their machismo?
This is not a matter of sour grapes because I don't have a skinny suit build.
Quite the contrary.
I'm glad I don't.
I think skinny suits are for sissy's!
Can you imagine John Wayne or Gary Cooper in a skinny suit?
Call me old fashioned. 
In my day the coolest of the cool were known as BMOC....big man on campus not skinny man on campus.
My heroes were Paul Bunyan and Big John Henry and Sgt. Fury and G.I Joe. 
Big strong men. 
 One of my favorite movies was Cast a Giant Shadow. 
I don't think I would have been interested in a film entitled Barely Casts a Shadow.
My heroes were gladiators not gladiolas. 
Nope.
Skinny suits just don't cut it for me.
BTW,,,,neither do shaved chests or arms !
As I queried earlier, when did men lose their identity?
I like my scotch neat, my women curvy and for men to look like men!

Not a Good sign?

I sneezed and a voice from the seat directly behind me said God bless you!
I replied"I don't think he's listening."
Being a woman of faith she said "of course he is!"
I said I choose to differ. 
Starting at Passover, as Jews we stop praying for rain and begin praying for dew.
I said either the Good Lord is a) not listening, b) completely confused by the difference between rain and dew or c) has one heck of a sense of humor.
The weather here is horrific today.
How bad you ask?
I saw animals coming out of the woods 2 x 2 .
Does that give you an idea of just how heavy the rains are?
The brook 2 doors down from my house has crested at street level. 
In over 35 years of living in my home, I have only seen it higher a couple of times and that was always as a result of a hurricane.
I was soaked to the bone by the time I got home from my morning route.
I Googled the prayers for rain and dew when I got to my computer.
Here's what the very first thing I read had to say:
"On Passover we stop reciting the prayer for rain [in the Amidah], for rains that fall at the end of Nissan are considered to be a bad sign for the world,....."(Passover falls on the 14th day of Nissan)
Well isn't that encouraging!
There was a time in my life when I used to let omens like these effect my world view.
Things like Friday the 13th or when the ground hog sees his shadow.
Today, none of that matters to me. 
They are nothing more than happenstances.
I and I alone am the master of my destiny.
It really is just that simple.
Rain?
It's a good thing. 
What is it that they say about April showers?
I guess I should be prepared for some awesome bouquets this May!

Just sayin' hi!

Once again I find myself writing to you at day's end,not my favorite time to write. 
After a day filled with distractions, my thoughts are unclear and unfocused. 
I could easily have passed up the opportunity however since I never got near my computer yesterday, I was committed to getting back on track.
Yesterday was "clean the yard " day.
50 bags of yard debris later, mission accomplished.
Well, mostly accomplished.  
I had hoped to pull all of the trees and bushes out of the beds in front of the house.
50 bags + baking sun=NO WAY!
The yard however is clean. 
And just in the nick of time. 
Yesterday's near 80 degree temperature with blazing sunshine has been replaced by 40 degree gusty cold rain.
I did manage to get about 800 sq.' of lawn reseeded. 
We'll see if it takes before attempting the entire yard. 
It's just about time for dinner so I'll sign off for now. 
Glad I was able to get this out today.
I'll catch up some more tomorrow!
Shavua Tov!

The Answer

 After weighing in this morning and then looking at my calendar, I have come to the stark realization that there is no way that I can possibly lose the weight I need to lose to wear the outfit I hoped to where for this wedding I will be attending in mid May.

That kind of sucks.

It doesn't suck enough to make me quit.

 In fact, truth be told, I am feeling pretty okay about myself on the How Am I Doin' Friday.

The weather here is absolutely gorgeous and although I had to wear a hoodie earlier in the day,I will spend the afternoon in short sleeves.(and look pretty damn good in them)!

Woo Hoo!

Yesterday I started my I Am list in hopes of understanding who I am today.

The first thing I did was toss out the "what I do" labels. 

I drive a bus.

I sell Halloween stuff.

I volunteer my time.

Etc, etc, etc.

That was easy. What I do is not who I am. 

So back to the list....who am I?

I am a father,a brother, a husband , a friend,a Jew,an Uncle,and many other things. 

All well and good I suppose.

Still none of these captures the whole of me, the big picture.

I kept starting my list and then deleting things .

I found it a bit daunting and frustrating so I pushed it aside for the time being.

This morning, I called my Rabbi to discuss something. 

He wasn't in so I was redirected to his voice mail.

When It came time to leave my message (after the obligatory beep) I started with Hi Rabbi....it's David. 

And there it was. The answer and the only item that really makes sense for me to put on my list.

I Am David!

That kind of says it all.

Shabbat Shalom!

I Am.....

 Yesterday my day started off innocently enough.
There was a slight chill in the air , however the sky was bright blue and the Sun was shining.
I was dealing with the discomfort I was experiencing physically for the most part.
My plan for the day was handling the rest of my unpaid bills for the month,yes,before the month was even half over!
Life was good!
After my morning bus run , I sat down at my desk, opened my computer and was greeted by 2 separate Facebook posts, one from each of my daughters.
They both posted pictures of and remembrances to Loki.
It would have been his 11th birthday.
My heart sank!
Tears welled up as I pushed back in my chair.
I was sad on 2 accounts.
Obviously I missed my pal.
I miss him a lot.
The sadder part was that had it not been for my girls' posts, I never would have remembered.
That really saddened me.
When did I stop caring?
Today is Yom Hashoah, the day we remember those who perished in The Holocaust.
Oh sure, I did my part. 
I lit my candle last night.
I ran my candle program at the JCCP once again.
 I even distributed candles to the riders on my bus.
Was that enough?
By evening last night I chose to shut down. I withdrew from everything.
I drove Susan to the chiropractor and opted to not take a treatment.
By the time we left the doctor's office,it was late after 8 pm.
I stopped and let Susan run in to Panera to grab something for herself for dinner.
I chose to not eat. 
I came home, checked my emails and went to bed.
For almost the entire trip to and from the doctor's office we drove in silence. 
I didn't feel like talking.
Today my mood had changed a bit.
I was puzzled by my actions the night before.
What was going on for me?
While driving my route this morning I pondered that question a lot.
All too often, people live in the space that immediately surrounds them, not giving much thought to what happens outside of that small circle.
I see people all the time with ear buds in, noses in some device, or just ambivalent to the rest of the world.
Is this what is happening to me?
Am I living in that 3' circle that directly encompasses me?
When exactly did I stop using the word we and replaced it with me?

I discussed this with a friend this morning. He said that for himself, he has not given up,he just chooses to do his own thing and not change the World.
Is that where I am?
Have I given up trying to make the World a better place?
Is it enough that within my tiny personal space all is okay? 
Is that all that matters?

A while back I wrote about wet wood.
You can't start a fire with wet wood.
I know I am not wet wood.So then what am I?
What have I become?
How do I answer that?
The same way I approach any project. I make a plan, a list that starts with:
I AM:.......

Rock Bottom

It was April 25th,2016 , a little less than 2 years ago. 
Susan and I had been at the Jewish Center for evening services.
On the way home, I suggested that we stop in to visit with some friends.
I pulled into their drive way,put the car in reverse to park it and Whammo!
I plowed Susan's car into a tree.
There was the instant sound of the impact followed by the shattering sound of the rear window.
I freaked out.
I lost it.
I screamed at myself. 
I cursed my existence and after cleaning up the mess, we eventually headed home. During the 5 minute ride home, I continued the freak out. 
My tirade went on and on. 
My abuse of myself was unending. 
Susan could not get me to stop beating myself up.
I blustered on and on .
We pulled up the driveway. I put the car in park and just sat there. 
It seemed like an eternity passed.
And then I began to sob.
I was inconsolable.
I did more than hit a tree that night.
I hit rock bottom. 
I felt worthless.
I was embarrassed.
Not at the accident. 
Accidents happen.
We had insurance. 
We also had a $1000 deductible.
I had no idea where that was going to come from. 
I was almost 62 years old and I couldn't scrape together or even imagine where I could scrape together, the money I would need to repair the damage I had one.
The Damage I Had Done!
How much damage had I done to those I love over the years by not being a financial success?
Now, staring at the broken window and the mangled back end of Susan's car,I could not avoid comparing this wreck to the wreck I had made out of my and more importantly my families lives.
I had never cried in front of anyone, never mind Susan.
And here I was sobbing uncontrollably.
I was worthless.
In that moment I believed I had in fact fallen to the lowest depths of despair and I could not see that there was even the remotest possibility of getting up again.
If this sounds overly dramatic,trust me , at the time,it wasn't.
The episode lasted all of about an hour from the time I hit the tree to the time I calmed down enough to start  developing my next steps.
It may have been the worst hour I can ever remember.
Today,it seems like an eternity ago.
The incident that is,not the despair!