Angry Day

"Courage can be in the small choices that we make each day, in doing something despite being afraid of it.”

-Unknown

I woke up angry today.

I started out angry at a couple of things.

I was angry at this whole stupid quarantine and the devastating effects it is and will have on us all.

Unfortunately, I walked past a television and they were covering the nonsense going on in Minneapolis.

More angry!

I then became angry at stupidity. The stupidity fueling all of what one sees or hears from the media.

All sorts of crap started making me angry.

I was angry because I couldn't just go sit at the counter of a diner and have breakfast. I was angry that I couldn't just pop in and have a cup of coffee with a friend.

I was angry that there was even a discussion going on as to when, how and how many people might be allowed to return to their houses of worship.

My immediate solution is to shut down and further isolate myself.

My needs are simple.

I can minimize to the Nth degree without much difficulty.

That however , is no way to live.

Eventually I came around to asking what is it that I am really angry about or angry at.

Bottom line, as it is in all things that matter,the blame rests squarely on my shoulders.

As I said,I have a choice. I can turn off the news and the nonsense by simply ignoring it.

I can maximize my existence within the confines of this quarantine by making the most out of what I have.

I can ignore or choose to not involve myself with the fall lout and consequences of all of the goings on in the "real" world.

Yet,I still seem to be angry.

Why?

Once again, the responsibility rests squarely at my feet.

I have been at this writing thing for almost 7 years now. In As a matter of fact, in exactly 2 weeks, it will be 7 years since I sent out my first email to what at that time was an audience of 1 person.

I am beginning to understand that it's more than just a possibility that in those 7 years, I have not shifted my rantings and ramblings into something bigger,something better,something more substantial.

I can tune out everything else that has me angry today. This last part I just can't seem to ignore.

Shabbat Shalom!

Don't open that door..................

“Doubt increases with inaction. Clarity reveals itself in momentum. Growth comes from progress. For all these reasons, BEGIN.” 

-Brendon Burchard

During my never ending bus run yesterday (don't ask!), I found my mind wandering towards a very dangerous place,the cursed house of what was. You know that house. It is filled with thoughts of what once was,what once might have been and what maybe could have been.

It's a very bad place to be.

It does absolutely no good. There is nothing to be gained from living in this cursed place.

There absolutely are lessons to be learned from our past.However dwelling on the what if's and what might have been's,is never productive.

As sure as I know how detrimental going there can be,I found myself struggling to not open that door.

What is the old adage "an idle mind is the devil's playground....".

What I think may have happened to me, what I view as to what others may have done to me,what opportunities were not acted upon, mean nothing to me.

They exist only in that cursed house. The place where nothing good happens. So why would I even consider opening that door?

That's just dumb!

Well what do you know...........

“Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.” 

-Lyndon B. Johnson

2 days after rearranging the entire family, I settled in to my work area which is pretty much back to full speed.

All of my teh stuff is up and running. Paperwork has been filed away for the most part. And I have found a place for everything and everything is now in place!

I can now get back to business as usual.

As I settled in for an afternoon of catching up,the guinea pigs who now reside right behind my desk, were chattering up a storm.

I mean really chattering.

We've had them now for a month.In that time, I have become familiar with their activity level.

First thing each morning, they noisily greet me in hopes of getting a treat from me.

Being nocturnal , they are a bit more active at night, but not so much to be annoying. The last 2 days, Moonshine, the albino, has taken to racing from one end of the new cage to the other. It's seemed like she was really enjoying the freedom of a much larger living space. Fig, the tri-color, is a fatty and she just likes to hang out and is nowhere near as active as her sister.

As I began writing today,the chattering started. At first it was a normal level of activity. Nothing out of the ordinary. Then it seemed a little more excited. Soon their vocaling was incessant.

I turned to see why it was that they were being so noisy. I noticed Figs butt and Moonshines face peeking out from the hutch end of the new cage. Then I heard cheeping from the wooden hutch at the far end of the cage.

Cool....my guinea pigs are ventriloquists!

Then I saw Fig come out of the wooden hutch.

How?

I can see your tri-colored derriere sticking out from the hutch on the other side of the cag.Although, it seems smaller.

Oh no!

In that moment, a mini-sized Fig scooted out from her hiding spot. And then another creature. And another creature.

And just like that,the 2 guinea pigs were now 5!

Surprise!

But how?

These look like small versions of the mother, not some newborns.

Quick to Google!

Well what do you know. Baby guinea pigs are pretty much fully developed little versions of their mother.

Who new?

BTW....if anyone wants some guinea pigs,you know where to find me.

Ft. Nonsense

"Dwelling on negative thoughts is like fertilizing weeds. "

-Norman Vincent Peale

Here in New Jersey, there are 4 sights that make up The Morristown National Park.One of the sights is Ft. Nonsense.

The often cited story is that to keep his troops engaged and out of trouble, General Washington had his army construct this fort.A more factual analysis shows that often a smaller fort would be built near a larger encampment in case a retreat became necessary.

In response to my quandary of functional vs. purposeful, I enlisted my troops yesterday to help with my version of Ft. Nonsense.

With the help of a small army of 4, I spent the better part of the afternoon into evening rearranging our family room.Everything on the left side of the room is now on the right side of the room and everything that once was on the right side of the room has been moved to the left side of the room.

To be honest, I had been contemplating a change for a while now. After the first year of living with the post renovation room format,I had grown increasingly uncomfortable with the flow of the set up.

With the addition of 2 new pet guinea pigs and the enormously oversized cage that I bought for them, it was time for a change.

The project was a huge success. The great room looks even greater.

Without losing any of the furniture or fixtures,the room is feels much more spacious .

In this case, both function and purpose were addressed, which makes me very happy.

There are of course some challenges with the new setup. For instance, for the last 25 years or so, when entering my desk area,I have always approached my chair from the right. In the new configuration , I now enter from the left. After a few more episodes of banging my knee, I am sure I will get the hang of it.

Functional and purposeful.

It's grand when my life has meaning!

May Word of the Month

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”

 -Winston Churchill

May Word of the Month

FUNCTIONAL

1.of or having a special activity, purpose, or task;

relating to the way in which something works or operates.

2.designed to be practical and useful, rather than attractive.

I know ,May is just about over and June is right around the corner.

So why am I first offering up my May Word of the Month now?

That answer is easy.

Until this morning ,I just didn't have a word that seemed appropriate or resonated for me.

When I choose my word of the month, it is usually a word that has some connection to what is going on in my life.

It has a purpose.

During this quarantine, I feel like less and less of what I do is purposeful and more and more is functional.

What's the difference, you may ask?

Purposeful has meaning. Functional has a practical feel about it.

Confused?

I was also for most of the month.

Functional feels like a placeholder to me. Purposeful is much more energetic.

Nowadays, I wake up.I go to work. I deliver meal. I come home. I make lunch. I write. I deal with emails.I make dinner. I watch some television. I go to bed. I start over in the morning.

This is pretty much my life. Day in and day out. Functional not purposeful.

I appreciate functional.

I desire purposeful.

Therein is the rub!

Shavua Tov!

My choice this time

“Don't be afraid of change because it is leading you to a new beginning.”

 -Joyce Meyer

It was early in the morning of August 19th,1996 when I was awakened by the unmistakable sound of a diesel truck backing up outside of our bedroom window.

At 2 in the morning,you can pretty much guess that it wasn't a garbage truck.

Indeed it was a tow truck here to repo our car.

Having been unemployed for a number of months at that point,we had exhausted any potential escape routes to this inevitability.

The date sticks in my head because it happens to be our wedding anniversary.

That year, we would celebrate this day with a trip to motor vehicle to register the 8 year old Lincoln Town Car with 200,000 miles on it ,that was sitting on our driveway.

Our anniversary luncheon was at the coffee truck in the DMV parking lot.We celebrated the day together as a family,me Susan and 3 small children ages 4,6 & 8.

Once we registered the vehicle, we picked up my parents as well and had yet another celebratory meal ....a pizza and a not so local pizza parlor.

It was not a fun day. It was another new low point in for me,something that unfortunately was not a unique experience.

Once again I had let me family down.

Once again I had failed.

Once again, I felt the shame of not being good enough.

The only choice was to pick myself up and start rebuilding.

Soon after we picked up a second used car for $200 .

For the next number of years, one clunker was replaced by a slightly better clunker.

Eventually we were able to buy a better car and not long after that we qualified for a lease.

No matter what I drove, it was imperative to me that Susan and the kids had a sound vehicle.

So why am I sharing this bit of "tragic" history with you today?

I am sitting here waiting for a tow truck to come and pick up Susan's car.

No, it's not being repoed.

The lease was up 2 months ago and after weeks of quarantine I made the choice to turn it in.

Turn it in and not replace it.

We have 3 cars that just sit most of the time lately.

I drive to work early in the morning and return home well before Susan has to head out to work.

I have no where to go once I am home and if I did we Max's car is sitting on the driveway.

He is now unemployed and has less need of a vehicle than any of us.

Even if by some miracle of miracles, he found a job tomorrow, we would still be able to make the 2 cars suffice.

Turning in Susan' lease was a choice.A very smart and financially sound choice.

I am currently on half pay. Max's unemployment as well as my own remain in limbo.

Not spending money on a lease ans well as saving money not having to insure it is a no brainer.

This will not last forever.

Nor will it change tomorrow.

When it becomes truly uncomfortable, I will know it's time to get another vehicle.

For now,I am okay to sit here and wait to hear that diesel engine pull up in front of my house.

Having a choice is a much better, way different experience than being a victim.

And this time I don't feel like a failure.

Shabbat Shalom!

Thanks for bringing this to my attention

“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.”

 -Anais Nin

Over the last 24 hours I have heard from 3 different friends who happen to read my stuff on a daily basis.

Each of them expressed some concern that my writing has taken a turn of late.

As one dear friend and fraternity brother pointed out"

I am reaching out to you because I have not seen negativity come from you ........ever. Therefore, I sense that you feel life is pummeling you.  

This is kind of what I heard from my two other friends as well.

My response is.......thanks for bringing this to my attention.

I have been feeling dark.

I have been feeling defeated.

I have given up hope.

And that's just not who I am.

Yes, I am frustrated.

Yes,I am feeling as if I have no control over the circumstances surrounding my life.

Yes, the creative side of me,the biggest side of me,is at a complete standstill .

I am really tired of NO!

Hanging on,waiting and idly sitting by are not my strongest attributes!

I am a big believer in "DO SOMETHING!"

Yesterday's accomplishments are there for one purpose and one purpose only......to be built upon.

It is time for "What's next!".

I do appreciate my friends for shining a light on how I am showing up.

Thanks again for bringing this to my attention.

And my attention is what this situation will now have to deal with!

 “When we deny our stories, they define us. When we own our stories, we get to write the ending.” 

– Brené Brown

Growing up in the Cold War Era, there was this ever present cloud of having to deal with The A-Bomb.

It was a part of the culture of the day. In school we had drills as to what to do "in case of ".

Every spy movie of the day had the world being threatened by the Russians or some Soviet actor, plotting to launch the doomsday device.

Often,in school , we were asked to write compositions on topics such as "if you could take 1 item with you to the bombshelter,what would it be".Or,"if you could be stuck in a bomb shelter with one person,who would you choose".

We were obsessed with The Bomb and Bomb shelters and the paranoia that came with the Cold War.

And there was always the scenario of who survived?

Often, it was a story about 2 congruent civilizations. Those who made it into the shelters and those who survived on the surface.

I have a funny feeling that I am reliving my childhood.

This time however, the cataclysmic event is the Coronavirus,not the A-Bomb.

When we are all finally allowed to return to t

"the surface",the aftermath may very well look like the science fiction of the morning after atomic bomb scenarios.

There will be those who choose to remain cloistered away fearing that it just isn't safe.

There will be some that will choose extreme levels of caution,continuing to choose social distancing,masks, gloves and other "safe " practices. And then there will be those of us who grab our tool boxes and set about trying to rebuild the devastation.

This new multi-faceted civilization will by it's very nature,pit individuals from these disparate groups against each other. It will be the Maskies vs. The Nostrils!

The Germfree vs. The Contaminators. The Pure vs. The Pyrias.

I've seen the beginnings of this already. Mask shaming will be a real thing.

Hang on folks.....this will get worse before it gets better!

When the smiles go away

“Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day.”

 -Henri Nouwen

Last night I received a text from a co-worker.

"Sad news"

"Helen passes away".

It was sad news.

Working with the age group that I do,it's not uncommon,always sad,never a shock anymore and rarely do I get that upset when I hear about a loss.

It is a fact of life that I have come to accept.

Helen, who has been a passenger on my bus for 3 plus years lived a long life.

During the first 2 1/2 years that I knew her, she always had a smile.

Not without the challenges of dementia, she still had a smile that could light up a room.Often,for no reason at all, she would look at you,sing something in Yiddish and then smile that smile.

It made my day.

A few months ago, Helen became ill and missed a few months on the bus. when she returned,she was now in a wheelchair, mostly because she had become so weak and frail.

Her physical decline was not as disturbing as the absence of her smile.

It had literally vanished.

In its place was this look of fear.

It was unrelenting and unnerving.

It was all I could think about last night when I got the news.

Helen had lost her smile,not unlike so many others I have lost over the years.

When the smile goes,it is replaced by an sadness in the eyes.

I am not sure what is behind that sadness.

sorrow?

Fear?

Pain (emotional not physical)?

Confusion?

I don't know.

What I do know is that it is there and does not go away until......

It saddens me when I see those empty sad eyes.

I am constantly on guard.

On guard against the day when the smiles go away.

Just a Gigolo

 "The best way out is through"

~ Robert Frost

I'm sure you are familiar with the song Just a Gigolo.You may be a fan of the David Lee Roth/Van Halen version or the Louis Prima offering. Both are upbeat,swing style renderings of this classic.

Did you know that this is actually a very sad song?

It was actually written sometime around 1930 and tells the story of  the social collapse experienced in Austria after World War I. The story is about a young soldier ,who after the war, finds that the only way he can earn a living is to hire himself as a dance partner, a gigolo.

Okay David, thanks for the lesson in music history.

Actually, I am afraid that this is a portend of things to come.

Once this quarantine is lifted,most people will eventually return to their jobs. Slowly the economy will pick up and life will begin to appear normal. There will however be those that will find that the jobs that they once held no longer exist. The companies that they once worked for are gone.

The position in life that they had attained has vanished.

We may be one of those people.

Or it may be a spouse or child, or sibling or friend.

None of us will be untouched by this epidemic (the aftermath not the virus!).

Some of us will be deemed too old to hire.

Others will find that there just aren't jobs.

Still many more will find that all of their prior experience and training are virtually worthless.

There will be,I'm afraid, an abundance of gigolos searching for dance partners. There is nothing upbeat and lighthearted about that.

The pandemic was frightening.

The fallout I fear will horrifying!

Shavua Tov!

What's Fair isn't always Fair

“There are two ways of meeting difficulties: You alter the difficulties, or you alter yourself to meet them.” 

-Phyllis Bottome

How many times have I heard someone use the expression "what's fair is fair" .

Well guess what.....that's not always the case.

As a matter of fact,I have come to realize that fair is a very subjective state of being.

Life is not "fair".

If anything good has come out of this quarantine is that this misnomer that everyone can have everything has been debunked.

I have always contested that we are not a classless society.

There are those who have and those who have less.

I also believe that this is the way it should be.

The grand social experiment of the last few decades, where every kid goes home with a trophy and anyone can have a Mercedes parked on their driveway, is hopefully coming to an end.

No Virginia, there is no Santa Claus and yes Ray, the zoo is closed!

too bad.

It is what it is.

During these times we have seen that not everyone is as fortunate as others.

Some have suffered the loss of a family member while others have seen no such loss.

Some have been able to shelter in place fairly comfortably while others are in a constant state of stress trying to make ends meet.

Many have been able to collect a regular paycheck while working from or even just sitting at home,hile others have lost their jobs and are staring at the abyss of having to start over at some point.

The strange part is,now that reality has set in, now that a light has been shined on this disparity and the curtains have been pulled back exposing this divide , I personally feel some validation . Not in the seemingly unfair reality but in the fact that,at times, I felt like I was the only person alive who understood that fair is not always fair.

That's life.

Yeah, I know,it sucks.

Too bad.

Man up and deal with it.

No hand outs.

No freebies.

Roll up your sleeves,pull up your big boy pants and deal with it.

Don't like where you are?

Do something about it.

eey words"do something....",don't wait for the cavalry to come charging over the hill.

They aren't coming.

Dig ,scratch, scrape and claw if you must.

Or sit around and cry in your beer. It's your choice.

Probably the way it should have been all along!

I know it was that when when I grew up.

Shabbat Shalom.

As I feared

“The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today.”

 -Franklin D. Roosevelt

Since the start of this quarantine,I have been much more concerned with the collateral damage of the shutdown than the pandemic that it was meant to avoid.

How would this affect the economy?

How many businesses would fail?

Would I still have a job?

Will I be able to pay my bills?

How will my friends and family be affected by the financial and emotional devastation that I was sure would be a part of this situation?

Quite honestly , I had little to no fear when it came to the consequences of the actual virus.

People get sick.

People die.

It happens.

It was all of the peripheral carnage that scared the heck out of me.

I didn't have a crystal ball.

I didn't need one.

Any one who has a lick of common sense had to know that there would be dire consequences to this madness.

Alas, I was right to be so fearful.

All around me, the bodies are piling up.

Lost jobs.

Closed businesses.

Hopelessness,confusion,fear and uncertainty.

It's bad folks and I fear it's only going to get worse.

I have no answers.

I can only deal with the here and now of it.

Here is where I am today and what can I do with that.

End of statement.

Clearly we are in for some stormy times. Batten down the hatches.

Trim down the sails and maybe just maybe we can weather this storm together.

Two Roads Diverged

“Hope lies in dreams, in imagination, and in the courage of those who dare to make dreams into reality.”

Jonas Salk

Two roads diverged.....a line from the Robert Frost poem,The Road Not Taken.

I thought alot about this line today as I drove my morning route.

Along the way on life's Journey, there are often forks in the road when the choice must be made as to which road to take.

It has been my experience that I have chosen the road less travelled more often than not.

Not that I am some daredevil.

Nor am I a rebel.

Or a carefree spirit.

I am ,by my nature, inclined to wonder why not more often than just why.

Why not try something different?

Why not explore new possibilities?

Why not see what might be new and different?

Today, I feel like once again, life is at a crossroads.

This time however, it's not just my life.

It's as if all of us are at that fork in the road.

As we remain frozen in place by this quarantine,many are starting to realize that a Journey is only a Journey if we are heading somewhere.

Standing in one spot for too long is putting a hiatus on the Journey.

It's time to move on.

Much of what I am hearing is how we get back on track,back on the path we were on two months ago before the shutdown.

Once again, I find myself asking,since we do seem to be at a crossroads, why not take the opportunity to head down a new trail.

Is the path that I was on the best one for me today?

What new adventures and opportunities are there in another direction?

I know others are heading towards the path that leads back to where we were headed before the quarantine, but is that the only option for me, for us, today?

I don't think so.

History shows exactly where that road will lead us to.

How do I know?

We have been down this road before.

Given this opportunity, why not head off down the road less traveled.

Or for that matter, blaze a new trail.

Why not create a road into a wilderness that has not previously been explored?

We are at a crossroads.

Sounds like a great time to begin an adventure!

No need to be snarky

“People become really quite remarkable when they start thinking that they can do things. When they believe in themselves, they have the first secret of success.”

Norman Vincent Peale

Someone made a statement.

I was about to respond when I caught myself.

No need to be snarky.

It serves no purpose. It's not helpful.

It's often hurtful, even if it only a pinch not a punch.

Oh sure, it may elicit a giggle from someone,but at whose expense?

Snarky can be cutting.

Snarky doesn't answer the question that was asked.

Snarky does elevate anyone.

Not the person being snarky or the person it was aimed at.

At times, I have been the king of snarky.

Lately , I have tried to stop myself.

It's a work in progress.

I am certainly not perfect yet.

I am getting better....maybe ?

Under Siege

"When it comes to life the critical thing is whether you take things for granted or take them with gratitude."

Gilbert K. Chesterton

This no longer feels like a quarantine.

I am starting to feel as if we are under siege.

The quarantine was obnoxious.

Now it feels oppressive.

It's time for grown up people to start being grown ups. That means getting back to life as we want to live it.

It means making responsible choices and decisions.

There are those who will choose to remain cloistered until some expert tells them that it is 100% safe to come out of quarantine.

Good luck to them.

It's their choice. I for one do not know who that so called expert will be and what makes them so damn sure that they have the answers.

They haven't had them up until now.

There must be a pathway to normalcy.

I saw an email from my place of employment outlining some new procedures and protocols we may be instituting when we re-open.

If this is going to be the way we have to function to open, I may just have to opt to stay closed.

Here's what I know.

The "pandemic" numbers in Atlantic County are significantly lower than in Bergen County.

The numbers in Iowa are much different than in New York.

Even within New York, the difference between the metro area and Upstate are completely different.

Marshall law is not the answer.

Intelligent,responsible leadership is.

End this siege.

It's time!

I am not a particularly religious man.....

“What you think, you become.

What you feel, you attract.

What you imagine, you create.”

~ Buddha

Make no mistake, I am not a particularly religious man.

Prayer is not something I engage in.

I can't say that I have strong belief in a supreme being.

I am by no means a Talmudic scholar.

What I am and what I do hold dear to me are traditions.

In our home, for the past 3 decades, it has been our tradition to have Shabbat dinner each and every Friday night.

While the number of attendees to this weekly gathering has changed significantly over the years, the core group,the Flock of Spiegels, has managed to keep this alive .

Every week, we gather to eat together.

Every week, I spend the bulk of my Friday afternoon preparing dinner.

Every week we light candles and make kiddush (the blessing over wine) and hamotzi (the blessing over the bread).

Every week we sit and talk and laugh and catch up.

Every week we are once again a family.

That is until this stupid quarantine went into effect.

Now, Friday night looks just like any other night of the week.

There is no Shabbat music playing as I prepare for our weekly get together.

This is very sad to me.

There is no Shabbat in my life right now.

I hope and yes I pray, that soon this will be over and like some bad dream be forgotten about as quickly as possible.

My fear is that there may in fact be that dreaded "new normal" and the one thing I cherished most in my life will be a thing of the past.

I can't predict what the future will hold.

Que sera sera?

What ever will be will in fact be.

I just know that my heart yearns for my Friday's to return.

There are no guarantees.

And I hate living with just memories.

Shabbat Shalom (or have a good Friday night!)

FEAR VS. NUMB

"When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves."

~ Viktor E. Frankl

F.E.A.R.

False Evidence Alters Reality.

Fear is easy to overcome.

When I take a step back, let go of the fear and deal with the reality in front of me, it isn't all that hard.

Having an action plan to deal with the facts,and putting that plan into action,always alleviates the fear.

Being numb to the world around me is much more problematic.

N.U.M.B.

Not Using My Blessings!

Now that is scary and devastating!

I have never had any fear during this quarantine. On a daily basis, I have dealt with what ever I could do something about.

Dinner.

Appointments.

We even moved my sister out of the house after 5 1/2 years.

I have been as proactive in my life as I possibly can be.

I closed on a mortgage allowing us to pay down all of our outstanding debt.

I have adjusted our spending to cover the shortfall of a dramatic cut in salary.

I have and continue to handle the day to day realities of my life.

And still. I find myself on the edge of becoming numb.

My talents , limited as they may be, are not being used for very much.

I am not creating or innovating.

I am dealing with the facts of my life, not using the blessings that are my life.

I am becoming NUMB.

Fear I can deal with.

Numb is something entirely different and completely new to me.

The solution is to fear numb.

Fearing numb enables me to deal with it.

I know how to deal with fear.

Take a step back.

Understand the situation.

Make a plan and then execute it.

Fear goes away and hence,so does numb!