It is an absolutely phenomenal day here in North Jersey. 
The skies are light blue. 
There are white fluffy pillows of clouds scattered about.
The temperature when I left the house for my Sunday morning bus run was pleasantly cool.
As I said, an absolutely stunningly gorgeous day.
Yet as I drove towards my first pick up this morning, I was suddenly reminded of uncomfortable feelings that have haunted me in my past.
Max & Susan are off to visit the in-laws in South Jersey.
Becca & Sara have are attending a wedding shower today.
Memories from years ago came over me of the anxiety I would feel on days like today.
I was always happy and grateful that my family could get away , whether it was a day trip or a vacation.
Yet once they left, I would be overcome with despair and loneliness. 
It was at times crippling.
I tried mightily to never let on. However the sadness was overwhelming.
As I drove my bus, it was not those same feelings of sadness that were haunting me. It was the memory of just how awful I would feel that  came roaring in.
I was so sad in those days. 
I mourn for that person and how he felt.
It was a terrible way to live.
Today is quite different. 
Max and Susan squeezing in a trip to South Jersey is a blessing for my in-laws who always appreciate the visit, for Susan who gets to see her parents and for myself  who gets a break and some time to get other things accomplished. 
The girls no longer live with us so not having them around is normal. Still, it was the memory, those awful memories that crept in and made me shudder as I drove along my route.
There was always another component to this fear.
The stress and pressure I felt on a daily basis, whether financial or dealing with my parents and their health issues, made those times when my only joys in life, my family, were not around, the worst times in my life.
I have a couple of those same types of issues floating around me today.
Maybe that is why it all felt so eerily familiar and frankly so frightening.
Once I again I find myself sad.
 Not for the reasons I did back then.
I am sad for that person who suffered through all of that not so long ago.
I have spoken of him before. 
Were it not for his strength and fortitude to push through all of that, I would not have the blessed live I enjoy today.
One word keeps coming back to me again and again.
 Damaged! 
We are all a bit damaged by some of our past experiences. 
Some have left scars. 
Some have left pains that pop up from time to time. 
I consider myself blessed that none of the damage was permanently crippling.
And I am thankful for the healing that continues daily.
Shavua Tov!