Lessen the load and maximize the effort!

Over the last 24 hours, I have reflected on just how negatively my attitude has affected my life ,specifically over the last week or so.Anger, and fear have left me feeling frustrated and rendered me ineffective. It's not me. It's not how I want to live my life. It's not how I want to show up in the world. 
So why am I doing it? 
I'm not 100% sure. It's no different then when I eat things that I know are not part of my plan. Or when I eat too much. Or when I just binge.All are behaviors that are compensating for some unknown external factor. Inappropriate as the may be, I often find myself feeling helpless and unable to stop myself.
Well isn't that silly!
Of course I can stop myself.
How you ask? 
Easy!
Make better choices!
It's just that simple.No one else has the power to do this for me.
No external force controls any of this.
It is just simply a matter of will.
(I know my name is David not Will!)
But seriously, I make choices all day long every day. Last week I chose to be angry. I believed in that moment that was the tool I would use to try and break out and break away from the stagnant place I was residing in. I am not sure how effective it was or wasn't, I just know it's time to choose happy once again.
Those things that I found frightening have not gone away. I still have not come up with an answer to them, I did use that anger,generated by those fears to change my vantage point and make some course corrections.It helped me make some minor adjustments as well as tear down some impediments and hurdles that have at least temporarily allowed me to move forward.I don't need to go from falling backwards or standing still to zooming along at 100 miles an hour right away.When I keep moving forward, one step at a time, eventually I will build momentum.
My new trainer sat me in an apparatus the other day and said,"you've probably used this machine 100 times before.....now I will show you how to use it properly".
He lowered the weight,and had me begin the motion. .....slowly.....very slowly. Each and every repetition took 4 or 5 times longer than what I normally would do. The weight was insignificant. A child could do this.The cumulative effect of each deliberate concentrated movement was a burn like I had not experienced in months of working out.By my 15th rep, the muscles were barking at me. By the third set, they were screaming. And then we moved on to the next apparatus. Deconstructed and reconstructed once again with the same massive results. When we finished our session,he sent me off to do a cool down, stretch out cardio,walking on a treadmill at a slow pace with a very steep incline."you'll thank me in the morning for the cardio!" he said.
The take away is that momentum will take you only so far. To stretch yourself, to build yourself up,  takes repeated consistent all out effort.Over my last 4 workouts, I have followed the same game plan. Low weights and consistent maximum movements.I did arms.legs ,shoulders,and back on successive days. Everything hurts .....you know that really good hurt after a great workout.
That's how I know I am growing and stretching!
Shavua Tov!