“If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way.”
Martin Luther King Jr.
As I was checking my emails this morning, I came across one from my Cousin Barry's ex-girlfriend informing me that he had passed away yesterday.Not exactly the thing you want to deal with at 6:30 in the morning.
To be candid,Barry and I were not close.
He was family.
From my dad's side of the family, he and his sister are the only immediate family that I had.
We were never close.
He was invited and included in any family events.
There was always a seat for him at our table for holidays.
He was always invited to family gatherings.
He would call occasionally when he needed a place to stay for a night or two.
Other than that, I rarely saw him, particularly after he left the NY area and moved to Georgia a few years ago.
Occasionally he would pop up on a Facebook feed.
He often would post videos as he drove the highways and byways.
No audio.
Just a video of his view from the driver's seat.
I have no sense of loss around this.
As I said, we were not close.
I am unsettled on a very personal and selfish level.
Barry was a year younger than I am.
He died alone.
He had a family, an ex wife and two daughters with who he had absolutely no contact.
He has a grandchild as well as a son-in-law who he never met.
what little he leaves behind does not amount to much.
That indelible mark that I am always striving to create never was a part of his life and is evidenced by the lack of any footprint he has left behind.
There won't be a funeral, at least not one that resembles any I have been to.
No eulogy,not that I know who would deliver one.
No mourners per se.
There's an apartment somewhere in Georgia that will have to be emptied.
I couldn't tell you what he leaves behind.
Belongings?
A legacy?
In a year where I am celebrating "Keep Telling The Stories" , I am unaware of any of his meaningful ones.
My selfishness?
I am deathly afraid of ever being that alone.
I am deathly afraid of leaving behind so little.
I am deathly afraid of hurting those I will leave behind.
I am even more afraid of losing all of the people in my life.
I am afraid of dying alone like he did.
His videos are haunting me today.
Alone,in his car, traveling a road to nowhere.
Traveling with no one.
No sounds. Just the road ahead.Leading to nowhere in particular.
This really makes me sad.
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