Reposting this from my Rabbi!

 

Rabbi Weiner's Daily Elul Message

Elul Recall Notice Regardless of make or year, all units known as "human beings" are being recalled by the Manufacturer. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype unit’s code named "Adam" and "Eve", resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect is technically termed "Serious Internal Non-morality", but more commonly known as "SIN."  ________________________________________________ Some of the symptoms of the SIN defect:   [a] Loss of direction [b] Lack of peace and joy [c] Depression [d] Foul vocal emissions [e] Selfishness [f] Ingratitude [g] Fearfulness [h] Rebellion [i] Jealousy   The Manufacturer is providing factory authorized repair service free of charge to correct the SIN defect. The Repair Technician, God, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. To repeat, there is no fee required. The number to call in for repair in all areas is: 1-800-PRAYER WITH FEELING AND INSTENSITY. Once connected, please upload the burden of SIN through the TESHUVA or REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, God, into the heart component of the human unit. No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, God will replace it with: [a] Love [b] Joy [c] Peace [d] Kindness [e] Goodness [f] Faithfulness [g] Gentleness [h] Patience [i] Self-control   Please see the operating manual, TORAH version 1.0, or HIGH HOLIDAY LITURGY for further details on the use of these fixes. As an added upgrade, the Manufacturer has made available to all repaired units direct monitoring and assistance from the resident Maintenance Technician, God. Repaired units need only make God welcome and God will take up residence on the premises. WARNING: Continuing to operate a human being unit without corrections voids the Manufacturer's warranty, exposes the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list. Thank you for your immediate attention. Please assist by notifying others of this important recall notice.