And there it was!

I had just finished my email yesterday and was heading to Starbucks for a cup of coffee to sip on en route to my interview when it hit me. Like a brilliant lightening bolt piercing a stormy sky, every thing became illuminated.It was the proverbial aha moment.It all became as clear to me in that moment as the path across the Red Sea must have been to Moses once the waters parted.
My fear and nervousness had nothing to do with getting a job. I was not nervous about how I looked or how the interview might go. The extra income that this opportunity might bring,no matter how necessary , was not the cause of my angst.
I wanted to be wanted.
It was the same nervous feeling I would get when we lined up in gym class to choose sides. 
Pick me!
What would it be like to be picked first.
To know that somebody recognized you as the best.
That some body thought that highly of you they chose you before any one else.
There's a difference between needed and wanted. 
I wanted to be wanted!
I have made myself valuable in every thing I do or am a part of. I am certainly not a shrinking violet or wallflower.
And in most cases,high praise and recognition eventually makes there way to me.It's only natural. I excel at all that I am tasked with. I don't know any other way to be. If I am going to do something I give it my all and the results are unquestionable.
Yet unless some one steps up and says"I want you.....I choose you", I am left with that painful sickening,disruptive desire to be wanted.
I am tired of being part of the furniture. I want to be the show piece in the room.
It's the same old story for me.
I want to be wanted,not an after thought. Not in addition to. 
I don't want to just be included.
I want to be featured.
I don't want to be appreciated,.
I want to be desired.
I don't want to be recognized.
I want to be highly regarded.
I'm tired of being an after thought. 
I want to be on the top of the invitation list.
For the majority of my life,this fear has been at the root of my existence.
I get it.
I put it out there. I am the first to go along with whatever.
I don't make waves. I always accept my fate graciously.
I always appreciate just being included.
The ugly truth is,that was a lie.
I always felt left out ,undervalued,and overlooked.,often an afterthought. second best.
It has played on my view of my self worth. It has effected my self esteem.
I have and probably always will yearn to know what it feels like to be wanted.
After all of this work, it's a little bit weird to find myself in such a vulnerable place.
Weird is okay.
Weird is good.
Weird is definitely something I can work with and build upon.
That's how I am doing on this How Am I Doin' Friday!
Shabbat Shalom!


You really don't want to miss this!
Join my brother and Why Wait Coaching's 30 Day Happiness Challenge.
Here's a link for anyone interested:

http://whywaitcoaching.com/join-the-happiness-challenge/