What's Different?

This morning as Susan and I went about our daily rituals that start each day, I mentioned that I was feeling out of sorts,off my game if you would.
I couldn't put my finger on any one specific thing that I could attribute this to. 
I only knew that something was off kilter.
Something was different.
But what?
I have been preparing my home for Passover every year for as long as I can remember.
It has been well over 25 years since my Mom relinquished hosting the Seders and we moved them to my house.
By now, all of this should be second nature to me. 
Yet here I am feeling as if I am shooting at a target with a blindfold on.
Odds of hitting the bulls-eye are not very good.
What is so different?
Well, for starters, the whole back issue does add a certain level of discomfort to the process (discomfort on many levels).
Things that I would and could just DO in the past are challenging if not unattainable.
There is that element however,there's something more to this feeling.
As I finished up my morning routine and started to head out the door, it dawned on me that there are pieces of the Passover puzzle that are missing for me and these are probably the biggest part of my malaise. 
My friend Harriet has been gone for a few years now. 
With less than 36 hours to go ,in years past, we would have checked in with each other at least a half a dozen times by now.
We would have compared notes on menus, shopping lists, recipes and the general state of affairs as to where we were in the process of preparation.
My friend Alan has traditionally been another touchstone for me as we both raced to get every thing done in anticipation of the start of the Seder.
He is not hosting a Seder this year so his pre-Passover experience is not the same.
I haven't heard from my friend Neil , Harriet's son, who always checks in to see how things are progressing.
And then there's the no Becky thing again.
In years gone by, as I made myself crazy getting ready for the holiday, there was Becky holding down the fort in the office so that nothing fell through the cracks from the business side of things.
The girls have moved out.
Max is busy at work.
Susan is at the shop.
Even I have my bus driving job.
 David with a JOB.
Now that's certainly different.
No wonder things feel out of different.
They are different.The only thing that is the same and that will be the same is that by 7:47 tomorrow evening we will gather around the table and the Seder will begin.
I guess it's only different the first time around and then it becomes the new normal!

And then it becomes a tradition.