Today I am self diagnosing .
I am suffering from BMS,Battered Me Syndrome.
Now, first let me say that I am in no way making light of a very serious issue that plagues our culture.
In fact, I could not be more serious when I make the comparisons.
Quite frankly, I am actually surprised that no one else has come to the same conclusions that I have regarding the existence of BMS.
I have been unhappy for well over a month.
Without going into the details, suffice it to say that the best I have been able to muster over the last few weeks has been a few brief moments of calm, certainly no happiness.
So what exactly is BMS?
BMS,Battered Me Syndrome is what I do to myself when I surrender my authority, a term that The Universe exposed me to.
When I stop making the choices to do the things that make me happy I begin the Journey down that slippery slope of surrendering my authority.
Even worse is when I choose to accept things that cause me pain, anxiety or stress and somehow justify the abuse as something that I can live with.
I make excuses for the bad behavior. 
I allow others to abuse me when I am in this state. while they may be complicit in the abuse, I am the one who has provided the opportunity for the abuse to occur.
During these episodes of BMS, I stop taking care of myself. Food protocols go out the window. Abusing food helps to numb the pain. 
Workouts disappear. I stop taking care of myself. My wardrobe suffers. Looking my best is no longer as important to me. And then I make excuses for all of it.
Soon, this abhorrent behavior becomes the accepted norm, which just opens the door for more abuse.
If you think I am not deadly serious about this syndrome you are wrong.
If left unchecked, this can become so overwhelming that I can loose all perspective as to what is important in my life.
At the beginning of the year I vowed to be 1% better today than I was the day before.
Over the last few weeks, I have spent my energy getting through the day instead of getting better at me.
All of this is due to BMS.
That stopped today.
No more!
And the moment I realized and acknowledged this to myself every thing changed.
I found myself on more than 1 occasion today taking deep cleansing breaths.
The kind that has that little break in them that you experience after sobbing.
It has been both epiphonic and cathartic.
Visions of removing the weight of the World off of Atlas' shoulders come to mind.
There is no shelter I can go to to recover from this.
There are no self help groups for BMS, at least none that I know of.
Tonight I look forward to a good night's sleep. Tomorrow will come soon enough.
I hope and pray that I find the strength,courage and conviction to continue the healing from this.
My fear in life is that someday I run into someone from my past who asks"what ever happened to THAT guy?"
It scares the hell out of me.
It will be a pleasant treat to be able to look squarely in the eyes of the guy in the mirror once again.
And be that guy once more!