Angry Day

"Courage can be in the small choices that we make each day, in doing something despite being afraid of it.”

-Unknown

I woke up angry today.

I started out angry at a couple of things.

I was angry at this whole stupid quarantine and the devastating effects it is and will have on us all.

Unfortunately, I walked past a television and they were covering the nonsense going on in Minneapolis.

More angry!

I then became angry at stupidity. The stupidity fueling all of what one sees or hears from the media.

All sorts of crap started making me angry.

I was angry because I couldn't just go sit at the counter of a diner and have breakfast. I was angry that I couldn't just pop in and have a cup of coffee with a friend.

I was angry that there was even a discussion going on as to when, how and how many people might be allowed to return to their houses of worship.

My immediate solution is to shut down and further isolate myself.

My needs are simple.

I can minimize to the Nth degree without much difficulty.

That however , is no way to live.

Eventually I came around to asking what is it that I am really angry about or angry at.

Bottom line, as it is in all things that matter,the blame rests squarely on my shoulders.

As I said,I have a choice. I can turn off the news and the nonsense by simply ignoring it.

I can maximize my existence within the confines of this quarantine by making the most out of what I have.

I can ignore or choose to not involve myself with the fall lout and consequences of all of the goings on in the "real" world.

Yet,I still seem to be angry.

Why?

Once again, the responsibility rests squarely at my feet.

I have been at this writing thing for almost 7 years now. In As a matter of fact, in exactly 2 weeks, it will be 7 years since I sent out my first email to what at that time was an audience of 1 person.

I am beginning to understand that it's more than just a possibility that in those 7 years, I have not shifted my rantings and ramblings into something bigger,something better,something more substantial.

I can tune out everything else that has me angry today. This last part I just can't seem to ignore.

Shabbat Shalom!

Don't open that door..................

“Doubt increases with inaction. Clarity reveals itself in momentum. Growth comes from progress. For all these reasons, BEGIN.” 

-Brendon Burchard

During my never ending bus run yesterday (don't ask!), I found my mind wandering towards a very dangerous place,the cursed house of what was. You know that house. It is filled with thoughts of what once was,what once might have been and what maybe could have been.

It's a very bad place to be.

It does absolutely no good. There is nothing to be gained from living in this cursed place.

There absolutely are lessons to be learned from our past.However dwelling on the what if's and what might have been's,is never productive.

As sure as I know how detrimental going there can be,I found myself struggling to not open that door.

What is the old adage "an idle mind is the devil's playground....".

What I think may have happened to me, what I view as to what others may have done to me,what opportunities were not acted upon, mean nothing to me.

They exist only in that cursed house. The place where nothing good happens. So why would I even consider opening that door?

That's just dumb!

Well what do you know...........

“Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.” 

-Lyndon B. Johnson

2 days after rearranging the entire family, I settled in to my work area which is pretty much back to full speed.

All of my teh stuff is up and running. Paperwork has been filed away for the most part. And I have found a place for everything and everything is now in place!

I can now get back to business as usual.

As I settled in for an afternoon of catching up,the guinea pigs who now reside right behind my desk, were chattering up a storm.

I mean really chattering.

We've had them now for a month.In that time, I have become familiar with their activity level.

First thing each morning, they noisily greet me in hopes of getting a treat from me.

Being nocturnal , they are a bit more active at night, but not so much to be annoying. The last 2 days, Moonshine, the albino, has taken to racing from one end of the new cage to the other. It's seemed like she was really enjoying the freedom of a much larger living space. Fig, the tri-color, is a fatty and she just likes to hang out and is nowhere near as active as her sister.

As I began writing today,the chattering started. At first it was a normal level of activity. Nothing out of the ordinary. Then it seemed a little more excited. Soon their vocaling was incessant.

I turned to see why it was that they were being so noisy. I noticed Figs butt and Moonshines face peeking out from the hutch end of the new cage. Then I heard cheeping from the wooden hutch at the far end of the cage.

Cool....my guinea pigs are ventriloquists!

Then I saw Fig come out of the wooden hutch.

How?

I can see your tri-colored derriere sticking out from the hutch on the other side of the cag.Although, it seems smaller.

Oh no!

In that moment, a mini-sized Fig scooted out from her hiding spot. And then another creature. And another creature.

And just like that,the 2 guinea pigs were now 5!

Surprise!

But how?

These look like small versions of the mother, not some newborns.

Quick to Google!

Well what do you know. Baby guinea pigs are pretty much fully developed little versions of their mother.

Who new?

BTW....if anyone wants some guinea pigs,you know where to find me.

Ft. Nonsense

"Dwelling on negative thoughts is like fertilizing weeds. "

-Norman Vincent Peale

Here in New Jersey, there are 4 sights that make up The Morristown National Park.One of the sights is Ft. Nonsense.

The often cited story is that to keep his troops engaged and out of trouble, General Washington had his army construct this fort.A more factual analysis shows that often a smaller fort would be built near a larger encampment in case a retreat became necessary.

In response to my quandary of functional vs. purposeful, I enlisted my troops yesterday to help with my version of Ft. Nonsense.

With the help of a small army of 4, I spent the better part of the afternoon into evening rearranging our family room.Everything on the left side of the room is now on the right side of the room and everything that once was on the right side of the room has been moved to the left side of the room.

To be honest, I had been contemplating a change for a while now. After the first year of living with the post renovation room format,I had grown increasingly uncomfortable with the flow of the set up.

With the addition of 2 new pet guinea pigs and the enormously oversized cage that I bought for them, it was time for a change.

The project was a huge success. The great room looks even greater.

Without losing any of the furniture or fixtures,the room is feels much more spacious .

In this case, both function and purpose were addressed, which makes me very happy.

There are of course some challenges with the new setup. For instance, for the last 25 years or so, when entering my desk area,I have always approached my chair from the right. In the new configuration , I now enter from the left. After a few more episodes of banging my knee, I am sure I will get the hang of it.

Functional and purposeful.

It's grand when my life has meaning!

May Word of the Month

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”

 -Winston Churchill

May Word of the Month

FUNCTIONAL

1.of or having a special activity, purpose, or task;

relating to the way in which something works or operates.

2.designed to be practical and useful, rather than attractive.

I know ,May is just about over and June is right around the corner.

So why am I first offering up my May Word of the Month now?

That answer is easy.

Until this morning ,I just didn't have a word that seemed appropriate or resonated for me.

When I choose my word of the month, it is usually a word that has some connection to what is going on in my life.

It has a purpose.

During this quarantine, I feel like less and less of what I do is purposeful and more and more is functional.

What's the difference, you may ask?

Purposeful has meaning. Functional has a practical feel about it.

Confused?

I was also for most of the month.

Functional feels like a placeholder to me. Purposeful is much more energetic.

Nowadays, I wake up.I go to work. I deliver meal. I come home. I make lunch. I write. I deal with emails.I make dinner. I watch some television. I go to bed. I start over in the morning.

This is pretty much my life. Day in and day out. Functional not purposeful.

I appreciate functional.

I desire purposeful.

Therein is the rub!

Shavua Tov!

My choice this time

“Don't be afraid of change because it is leading you to a new beginning.”

 -Joyce Meyer

It was early in the morning of August 19th,1996 when I was awakened by the unmistakable sound of a diesel truck backing up outside of our bedroom window.

At 2 in the morning,you can pretty much guess that it wasn't a garbage truck.

Indeed it was a tow truck here to repo our car.

Having been unemployed for a number of months at that point,we had exhausted any potential escape routes to this inevitability.

The date sticks in my head because it happens to be our wedding anniversary.

That year, we would celebrate this day with a trip to motor vehicle to register the 8 year old Lincoln Town Car with 200,000 miles on it ,that was sitting on our driveway.

Our anniversary luncheon was at the coffee truck in the DMV parking lot.We celebrated the day together as a family,me Susan and 3 small children ages 4,6 & 8.

Once we registered the vehicle, we picked up my parents as well and had yet another celebratory meal ....a pizza and a not so local pizza parlor.

It was not a fun day. It was another new low point in for me,something that unfortunately was not a unique experience.

Once again I had let me family down.

Once again I had failed.

Once again, I felt the shame of not being good enough.

The only choice was to pick myself up and start rebuilding.

Soon after we picked up a second used car for $200 .

For the next number of years, one clunker was replaced by a slightly better clunker.

Eventually we were able to buy a better car and not long after that we qualified for a lease.

No matter what I drove, it was imperative to me that Susan and the kids had a sound vehicle.

So why am I sharing this bit of "tragic" history with you today?

I am sitting here waiting for a tow truck to come and pick up Susan's car.

No, it's not being repoed.

The lease was up 2 months ago and after weeks of quarantine I made the choice to turn it in.

Turn it in and not replace it.

We have 3 cars that just sit most of the time lately.

I drive to work early in the morning and return home well before Susan has to head out to work.

I have no where to go once I am home and if I did we Max's car is sitting on the driveway.

He is now unemployed and has less need of a vehicle than any of us.

Even if by some miracle of miracles, he found a job tomorrow, we would still be able to make the 2 cars suffice.

Turning in Susan' lease was a choice.A very smart and financially sound choice.

I am currently on half pay. Max's unemployment as well as my own remain in limbo.

Not spending money on a lease ans well as saving money not having to insure it is a no brainer.

This will not last forever.

Nor will it change tomorrow.

When it becomes truly uncomfortable, I will know it's time to get another vehicle.

For now,I am okay to sit here and wait to hear that diesel engine pull up in front of my house.

Having a choice is a much better, way different experience than being a victim.

And this time I don't feel like a failure.

Shabbat Shalom!

Thanks for bringing this to my attention

“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.”

 -Anais Nin

Over the last 24 hours I have heard from 3 different friends who happen to read my stuff on a daily basis.

Each of them expressed some concern that my writing has taken a turn of late.

As one dear friend and fraternity brother pointed out"

I am reaching out to you because I have not seen negativity come from you ........ever. Therefore, I sense that you feel life is pummeling you.  

This is kind of what I heard from my two other friends as well.

My response is.......thanks for bringing this to my attention.

I have been feeling dark.

I have been feeling defeated.

I have given up hope.

And that's just not who I am.

Yes, I am frustrated.

Yes,I am feeling as if I have no control over the circumstances surrounding my life.

Yes, the creative side of me,the biggest side of me,is at a complete standstill .

I am really tired of NO!

Hanging on,waiting and idly sitting by are not my strongest attributes!

I am a big believer in "DO SOMETHING!"

Yesterday's accomplishments are there for one purpose and one purpose only......to be built upon.

It is time for "What's next!".

I do appreciate my friends for shining a light on how I am showing up.

Thanks again for bringing this to my attention.

And my attention is what this situation will now have to deal with!