My choice this time

“Don't be afraid of change because it is leading you to a new beginning.”

 -Joyce Meyer

It was early in the morning of August 19th,1996 when I was awakened by the unmistakable sound of a diesel truck backing up outside of our bedroom window.

At 2 in the morning,you can pretty much guess that it wasn't a garbage truck.

Indeed it was a tow truck here to repo our car.

Having been unemployed for a number of months at that point,we had exhausted any potential escape routes to this inevitability.

The date sticks in my head because it happens to be our wedding anniversary.

That year, we would celebrate this day with a trip to motor vehicle to register the 8 year old Lincoln Town Car with 200,000 miles on it ,that was sitting on our driveway.

Our anniversary luncheon was at the coffee truck in the DMV parking lot.We celebrated the day together as a family,me Susan and 3 small children ages 4,6 & 8.

Once we registered the vehicle, we picked up my parents as well and had yet another celebratory meal ....a pizza and a not so local pizza parlor.

It was not a fun day. It was another new low point in for me,something that unfortunately was not a unique experience.

Once again I had let me family down.

Once again I had failed.

Once again, I felt the shame of not being good enough.

The only choice was to pick myself up and start rebuilding.

Soon after we picked up a second used car for $200 .

For the next number of years, one clunker was replaced by a slightly better clunker.

Eventually we were able to buy a better car and not long after that we qualified for a lease.

No matter what I drove, it was imperative to me that Susan and the kids had a sound vehicle.

So why am I sharing this bit of "tragic" history with you today?

I am sitting here waiting for a tow truck to come and pick up Susan's car.

No, it's not being repoed.

The lease was up 2 months ago and after weeks of quarantine I made the choice to turn it in.

Turn it in and not replace it.

We have 3 cars that just sit most of the time lately.

I drive to work early in the morning and return home well before Susan has to head out to work.

I have no where to go once I am home and if I did we Max's car is sitting on the driveway.

He is now unemployed and has less need of a vehicle than any of us.

Even if by some miracle of miracles, he found a job tomorrow, we would still be able to make the 2 cars suffice.

Turning in Susan' lease was a choice.A very smart and financially sound choice.

I am currently on half pay. Max's unemployment as well as my own remain in limbo.

Not spending money on a lease ans well as saving money not having to insure it is a no brainer.

This will not last forever.

Nor will it change tomorrow.

When it becomes truly uncomfortable, I will know it's time to get another vehicle.

For now,I am okay to sit here and wait to hear that diesel engine pull up in front of my house.

Having a choice is a much better, way different experience than being a victim.

And this time I don't feel like a failure.

Shabbat Shalom!