My father always told me he didn't care what I chose to be in life or do with my life.That to him was inconsequential. The only thing that mattered to him for me was that what ever I chose to do, what ever path I took in life, I was the best I could possibly be at that task. That did not equate to being the best at that job. It meant that my effort was the best effort I could summon forth.
As you can well imagine, this can be a cumbersome task.
One thing I have learned is that no matter how well you do or how much effort you put forth, there is always an untapped reserve. Hence,the burdensome question"did I do my best?"
Often when working with others I would here "good enough for Union work" (no offense to any union members).
It simply meant the job was done well enough for most standards.
That did not necessarily mean that it was done to my standards or that I couldn't improve upon my efforts.
I suppose this mantra lead to my desire to always change things,to always be improving on things, to always finding a better way .
Obviously no matter how good things are or how well things seem to be going or how much I am doing, the nagging question that literally keeps me up at night is what if?
What if I did this.
What if I try that?
What if I worked a little harder, a little smarter a little longer?

My sister turned 60 the other day.
I wondered if she was having any conversations with her self in regards to where she was in her life at 60.
This made me ask myself "so where are you at what will soon be 63?"
It just so happened I posed this to myself as I was alone driving my bus back from my first run of the day.
I'm driving a bus.
I guess greatness has eluded me.
Or is there still time for me to find greatness.
Truth is, I was being grossly unfair to myself.
In fact, as I look in the rear view mirror (my life's rear view mirror, not the one on the bus), there has been an awful lot of great!
I won't bore you with an itemized list partially because I probably would forget a lot of the great things.
My fear or concern is not so much that it's too late.
I really don't believe that.
My uneasiness is rooted in what, where and when will the next opportunity for great appear.
This is what fills my head day and night.
This is what I concern myself with every waking and even many sleeping hours of each day.
BTW....that 63 thing happens in 19 days.
Just sayin'!

Monday evening and I finally have a moment to myself, the first time in about 48 hours.
Yesterday we had our annual open hut for Sukkot.
I counted somewhere between 60 -70 attendees. 
I think everyone enjoyed themselves. 
There was plenty of food to nosh on and the company and conversations were great!
All in all it was a great day. Our first guests arrived well before noon and the last guests left in time for us to clean up and sit down just as Greg Bird hit the game winning home run for the Yankees.
Today was Columbus Day. Many people had the day off including all State,County and Municipal workers.
The reason I mention this is that on these Federal holidays, the County does not run their buses for us. This creates a situation where we have more passengers than we can accommodate with our regularly scheduled routes. 
The good news is we handle it each and every time. 
Some of my regulars who live close to the center were picked up by one of our vans as I picked up the extra bodies who come from greater distances.
After dropping my first run passengers and heading out to pick up my second run, I ran into the van dropping off my regulars who were transferred for the day.
 Our eyes met.
It was awful!
I could see that some were put out by this minor inconvenience while others seemed to be hurt, as if to say"don't you love us anymore?"
I assured them that this was an unexpected blip on the radar screen and that by tomorrow things would be back to normal.
When I returned this afternoon to take every one home, all of my regulars proceeded to board my bus.
Here we go again!
I politely stopped my 5 or 6 friends and escorted them to their alternate transport for the day.
It reminded me of the first day of sending your kids off to school.
Again, they were not happy!
I hope that by the next time they come to the center and board my bus all will be forgiven. 
Past history has shown that  while ruffled feathers don't always smooth so quickly eventually I will be forgiven and all will be well on the happy bus again. 
Sadly, I look forward to that !
(What has become of my life!)

A few minutes after I sent out my email yesterday about possibly attending a silent retreat in November, I received a message directly from the heavens. A friend ,traveling on an airplane responded to me from 40,000 feet in the air.

His message from the heavens was simple:

"I'm in!"

That was all I needed to hear. Immediately I went back into my emails, found the link to the retreat and signed up.

Woo Hoo!

I am excited!

Within in minutes of taking this bold leap (trust me for me this was a huge commitment) I found myself coming to terms with a challenge that has been disrupting my personal space for weeks.

The challenge has some financial consequences. It is a huge commitment of resources that are not really available and certainly had not been planned for as this is an unforeseen  expenditure.

In the end ,my decision was to move forward with this project. The stress that not dealing with it was not worth the price I was paying .

The capital outlay while temporarily painful will be insignificant compared to the toll not dealing with the problem was taking on me.

I wasn't sleeping. 

Every waking moment was overshadowed by the cloud that was hanging over me because of this challenge.

I was stressed out beyond the norm.

And it was certainly hampering any attempt to find SERENITY.

Today I set the wheels in motion to rectify the challenge.

In a couple of weeks, it will be completed, I will have paid the bill ...somehow, and I will move on , fixed and repaired and a lesson learned.

The positive take away from this is that because of what I am dealing with, I now have a great piece of advise that I can and have shared with others, perhaps saving them the aggravation, stress and thousands of dollars that I will have exhausted during this learning curve.

Since making this decision to move forward on this challenge ,I can breathe once again. 

I can smile once again. 

And I can become productive once again.

 I can even get back to my quest for SERENITY!

Shabbat Shalom!

My search for SERENITY continues, which in and of itself is a conundrum. If I am busy searching for serenity chances are pretty good I will never find it. 
I guess that's the whole "just let go" thing!
So instead of searching for this illusive condition, I may be better served by participating in it.
 Just let go.
Early this morning I decided that today would be another great opportunity to catch up and clean up around my personal space. This includes everything from picking up my dirty laundry, putting away the clean laundry,clearing up old emails,defrosting the auxiliary fridge and setting about dinner preparation which will include making chicken soup, a couple of meat loafs and a few side dishes.
When stuff starts to pile up, things seem to get out of control. Out of control does not pair up well with serene.While going through my emails I found one from earlier this week. It was an invitation from the Krame Center, the place where I was introduced to meditation, to attend a half-day meditation silent retreat.
It sounded interesting so I clicked on the link. 
$35 ....I think I'm in!
Personally the idea of spending half a day in silent meditation in the woods that sit on the Ramapo Mountains sounds pretty freakin' serene to me.
If any one cares to join me let me know!
(Link below)

https://www.ramapo.edu/kramecenter/programs/half-day-mindfulness-meditation-silent-retreat-2/ 

Finding serenity is another piece of a healthy life style.

As is the case with diet and exercise, the early stages can be unfamiliar to us. We have to learn the do's and don'ts, the how's and how not's and even the why's and why not's.

Eventually after many repetitions, the basics become second nature to us. 

We begin to add more and more to our repertoire.

We move from novice to accomplished and onward to even greater expertise.

(Caution....if you think you are the expert you probably have a lot more to learn!)

This lifestyle is something I want for me. I also know that as with my diet and exercise, it is infinitely more achievable when I elicit support and companionship.

I reached out to you when I began my writing for your support. 

Now I write to you because I enjoy it...no I love it!

In my earliest gym days, it was once a week with my cousin, on his invitation, to start a gradual fitness regimen (one that I seriously need to attend to again!).

And so it is with serenity,with nourishing my soul.

I have begun by scheduling a trip to Philadelphia next week to meet up with a friend and attend services down there. 

Now there's this half day meditation in mid-November.

Stepping stones.

Like a staircase,the surest way to the top is one step at a time.

 Remember back on day 1 of my writing:

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step".

Time to take another step!

Shabbat Shalom!

October Word of the Month:
SERENITY
"the state or quality of being serene, calm, or tranquil"
 Why serenity? 
I woke up the other day and had this feeling. The word that came to mind for me was serenity.
I was at peace with myself, albeit for a very brief and fleeting moment.
I think it is something I yearn for and is often missing in my life.
One day after having this calm feeling about me, I find myself in yet another wave of storms and dilemmas that upset the proverbial apple cart.
I keep reminding myself of that peaceful feeling and try to bring myself back to it as quickly as possible.
The question is how do I get there and stay there?
The answer is easy. 
Getting there is a process. 
I don't know if we ever stay there. 
For a while, I was going to a weekly meditation.
It was a wonderful experience. 
A little bit inconvenient to get to, however I learned a lot and will find my way back to this practice.
During the sit, the yogi constantly reminded us to return to center. That center was our breathing. 
Meditation is not about blocking out everything around us.
On the contrary,it is opening up our senses to every thing around us. 
Sounds ,smells,vibrations even sights.
The key is to return to center, return to the breathing.
Over and over again, I would find my mind wandering.
Finances,what's for dinner,who do I have to call back,what emails need to be answered.
And then I would catch myself and return to my breathing. 
Cool air in. Warm air out.
Sounds simple right?
It's not!
We want to fight. 
We seem to enjoy the struggle.
Learning how to just let go is challenging.
Rewarding,but still challenging.
I find when I am engaged in doing the things I want to do as opposed to doing things I have to do, I am in a much better place.
So my challenge then becomes turn the have to do's into want to do's.
The internal conflict is then resolved.
It vanishes.
Yesterday morning I felt serene. It lasted for a few hours.
That's better than a few minutes.
Today, the world seems to be buzzing about me once again. The tumult level is rising. That is until I remind myself to breathe,just breathe!

I had one leg out the door of my car. My left arm was on the door jamb and my right hand had a hold of the steering wheel as I set myself to get out of my car.
 Suddenly........ ,
Whammo!
 My car lurched back about 3 feet. My head whipped first from side to side then front to back ,smacking my forehead on the door. 
My shoulders twisted as my body bounced about on the front seat . Eventually I fell backwards,halfway in and halfway out of my car. 
Somebody had just smashed into me.
I pulled myself back into my vehicle,sat up straight and took a moment to make sure that in fact I was mostly just fine.
There was no sound of broken glass.
There was no blood.
Other than a pretty good jarring I seemed fine.
I took another moment to assess what had just happened. 
The driver of the car parked in front of me had just backed into me without looking.
I had a good mind to get out and deliver a verbal tongue lashing to this reckless driver. 
That is until I saw her.
An attractive woman about my age, I decided that since there was no damage to either vehicle and since we both appeared to be unharmed there was no need for an explosive confrontation. 
No harm no foul I thought. Instead, I picked myself up out of my car and approached hers.
"Honey" I said. 
"You have to look before you back out of the drive way!" 
Ya gotta just laugh at life sometimes!

Okay, so Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur are behind me and I have a few days to regroup before Sukkoth ,which quite honestly is a bit of a vacation for me.

Other than meal preparation and our annual open house during the holiday, I have no responsibilities including the fact that I don't have to drive the bus on Thursday or Friday.

My desk is kind of a mess and some Halloween stuff is blowing up however it's nothing that I can't clean up fairly quickly.

My Sukkah build did not go well yesterday and I am behind the eight ball on that. 

Again, no panic. After Max gets home from work will will finish what did not get done yesterday and we will be back on schedule.

I could have come home from my bus run and jumped into any of the challenges tugging at my apron strings. My desk, emails, my Sukkah, grocery shopping , or any of the other 10 or 12 smoldering fires warming my heart.

Instead,I chose to write to you,check in and then ,after a bite to eat, address what I can before heading back for my afternoon bus run.

I have cleaned up my emails and cleared my in-box.

I paid the most pressing bills and will get around to the rest later on this week.

There is a nice neat pile to be sorted through on the left side of my desk.

And as I said there is a plan to address the Sukkah before dinner while we still have an hour of sunlight.

I even gave Susan a small grocery list that will get us through dinner and lunch tomorrow.

All is good.

All is calm.

All is under control.

I've got to tell you,it feels kind of nice.

 I hope you are having an awesome day!