I have begun writing 3 or 4 different times this afternoon, erasing my words after a few brief sentences. My thoughts were incomplete and mostly of the less than positive or uplifting nature.
A good part of this is anchored in some unresolved decisions that I find on my plate today. They have been accumulating for over a eek. They have effected my sleep patterns, my food protocols as well as my general state of being. The mere fact that they have been this disruptive to me should be a sure sign that something is amiss and must be dealt with.

I have for the most part committed to putting these decisions aside until the early part of next week.
My hopes are that after a full week of analysis and a weekend away from dealing with them,I will be of clear mind and conscience when I finally do come to grips with them.
Easier said than done!
The whole thing is exhausting. 
Which is why, to be fair to myself, no rash choices or decisions will be made.
The exhaustion is just one ore tell tale sign.
One that I am acutely aware of and will address by retiring early this evening.
I am off to finish preparing dinner and then plan to shut down for the night.
Enjoy!

I have not had one of these nights in a very long time. It is just after midnight and even though I was exhausted all day, I can't seem to fall asleep.
Maybe it is the disappointment after an extra inning Yankee loss.
Maybe it's because of a particularly intriguing episode of Game of Thrones?
Maybe it was the 2 cups of coffee at 10 pm.
(Coffee never usually keeps me up).
Maybe it has something to do with the new job I am starting tomorrow.
Maybe I am just over tired.
What ever it is,here I am ....wide awake after midnight.
Not exactly what I anticipated.
I would take a nice hot relaxing shower, if I hadn't done that already this evening.
I could try reading,however I don't have a print copy waiting to start. I may throw on my headset and listen to the audio book I am just about done with. Or perhaps, the Sunday crossword?
Maybe both of these?
All I know is that with the new job on the agenda as well as a full early bus run and the possibility of a resurrection of a project that I thought was dead, I find myself wide awake, not getting the sleep and rest that I know I will need to be at my best come day break.
Stressing over this only makes matters worse.
A few minutes with the crossword puzzle and then a chapter or so of my audio book will surely turn things around for me . 
Lets see how that goes!

7 am....5 good hours of sleep really did make a difference!

This is not the first time I have addressed this topic,however it has been consuming my thoughts all morning . Sometimes the best way for me to work through something is to put it out there when I write.
I feel as if I have lost track of my Divine Purpose.
I have hypothesized in the past that if in fact we were made in the image of the Creator that my Divine Purpose is to create.
 I have been not created anything lately, nor am I engaged in any creative processes at the moment. I am working  a lot, doing what ever I can to earn money, support my family and stabilize our financial situation. 
All good stuff!
Day by day,week after week, month after month, there has been a shift ,one that hopefully continues for a very long time. 
I am working which is great. I just don't feel like I am creating any thing,
like I am building something.
Paychecks are nice. 
Creation is divine!
From the day I left formal education behind, I have been creating. 
It has been non-stop for me. I created jobs for dozens of college students.
I created a position that had previously never existed which became irreplaceable.
I created companies. These companies created jobs. Literally hundreds of jobs.
I created and branded new ventures. I saw voids and created opportunities. I have done this for the past 40 years.
Now I drive a bus.
I assist seniors.
I do some back office logistics.
I fill my time (and hopefully my coffers) daily.
I don't see that I am creating anything.
I am sure I am missing something when I look around at my world.
It is preposterous to me that I am not creating something!
For now, I will let this go. Staring at it will certainly not shed any new light.
Instead, I will do what I do with my daily crossword puzzles. When I get stuck, I mean really stuck, I simply put it aside . When I eventually come back to it, I am amazed at how enlightened I have become. 
It is rare that I do not eventually fill every square.
It's almost 1 pm. Time to go create a wonderful lunch experience for myself and my bride!
Shavua Tov!

Yesterday was another how Am I Doing Friday and the day got completely away from me.
That's how I was doing!
I find myself at the outskirts of what I hope is a bit of an oasis along the road of my Journey.
Over the last few weeks there has been a shift or a change in my attitude towards life. Or maybe it's just a change in my approach towards it.
In either case, I believe I need a pause, a rest a separation, from the way I go about things.
I can use one gigantic cleansing breath,followed by some recuperative time.
(I think some might call it a vacation).
I have never been good at this. 
Allowing myself to relax is akin to letting my guard down.
There's a lot more to this,mostly "lack" driven.
Today I choose to let that go,at least to the degree that I can.
I know I need a break.
Much like during a work out, you just have to rest between sets.
When I take the time to do that, the next set is always more productive.
I am sure that is where I find myself today.
In its infinite wisdom, The Universe conspired with Mother Nature last night and we were treated a another down pour so there will be no grass cutting or yard work today. 
That's a sure sign that I am in fact in need of a shut down. 
Shutting down or at least pausing offers me the opportunity to take a look around. To see where I have traveled from and make choices as to where I might go next.
I had a chance this morning to respond to some emails from friends, one dating back almost a month. It's not that I didn't have or take the time before. What I didn't have was clarity or calm.I didn't have the space I wanted to be thoughtful.
In responding to one particular email, I was reminded of something important. 
A number of years ago I attended a Bar Mitzvah. The young man who was the "star" of the day delivered one of the most important messages I have ever heard at one of these affairs. During his drosh, his little speech to the congregation, he uttered 4 words that at the time made me sit straight up in awe and amazement.This young boy, who by Jewish standards was standing at the beginning of the road to becoming a man explained how the one lesson he had learned and tried to exercise daily was a simple one, 4 little words.....
Do The Right Thing!
Why today of all days was I reminded of this?
I have no idea. 
I am just glad, no grateful, that I was!
Shabbat Shalom!

When you repeat an activity long enough you become better even good at it. The mechanics and the landscape surrounding that activity become familiar and eventually second nature to you.
I have been cutting lawns in New Jersey for over 50 years.
After 50 years of New Jersey weather,I have become familiar with the seasonal shifts of lawn care. Spring cleaning followed by the rapid Spring growth .
In the earliest part of the season, when the air is still cool, I can stretch the time between cuttings to as much as 2 weeks. By early May, when the weather really gets warmer and the rains have let up, a week is the maximum between each mowing.
By July, as the temperatures rise and Spring has turned to Summer the weekly cutting can often get stretched by a day or 2 or even 3.
By the time August rolls around and the ground has been parched from the constant heat, this weekly chore often can wait as long as every other week. 
This year is different. 
This growing season is unlike any other that I have experienced in the 5 decades that I have been doing lawns.
The ground has remained completely saturated.
The grass has not stopped growing. 
The grass could not possibly be any greener on the other side of the fence!
Trust me if it was I wouldn't want to care for it.
I don't know why I find this so fascinating.
Maybe because over the 50 years I have been at this, I have never seen this before.
Fascinating......truly fascinating!
I am not complaining mind you, merely making and sharing my observations. As a self proclaimed expert in this realm, it boggles my mind how wet and lush and green the grass is as we enter mid August.
Yesterday I cut my front lawn. I cut it less than a week ago. My mower clogged and stalled 3 times yesterday. 
I mulch,never bag!
Today I will have to rake, something I do maybe once in the Spring when the new shoots are fresh and vibrant.
Like I said,fascinating!
Any how, so much for this bit of wisdom and observation. 
Just felt like sharing!
(I know....a little bit weird huh?)
I guess you had to be there.

I am learning that I am not very good at this hourly employee thing.
A few months ago and a few weeks into my career as a bus driver, I asked if instead of returning the bus key after each run, if I could just keep one of the 3 sets of keys with me. I could then just park my car next to the bus, jump on in and get my day started. The same at the end of the day. Park the bus and head on home without making a pit stop just to return the key ....which wouldn't get used until the next day when I would once again repeat the process.
After making this adjustment things have moved along swimmingly. 
It has been a very efficient change.
Here's the rub.
I have basically screwed myself out of over $2000 in income.
That extra few minutes to pull up to the building,go get the key then first head out to the the bus amounts to 5, 6 or 7 minute,maybe more.
Twice a day and we're looking at 15-20 minutes easily.
20 minutes on the time clock rounds out to a half hour (it seems hourly wages get broken down in 15 minute increments).
30 minutes a day,5 days a week is another 2 1/2 hours a week.
Multiply that by say 50 weeks. 
That's a lot of money!
Oh wait....I forgot Sundays...2 trips. That's almost another hour a week.
Again times 50.
Dang we're talking about close to another grand!
I have basically cut myself out of somewhere in the neighborhood of $3000.
Maybe being efficient isn't very effective?
Oh well, that's just not the way my mind works.
I have never been that guy who looks to get over on anyone.
For me, it has always been how can I perform at my best.
What is the most efficient,effective and productive way to get something done. In short, how can I be better at what I do. 
Better does not mean faster.
It means efficient, effective and productive.
It means does it serve the greater good.
As I look back at what I have done I want to kick myself in the butt!
$3000 is a tidy sum of money.
I guess the entrepreneur in me doesn't quite think like an hourly employee.
Kind of silly on my part.
Oh well, as they say, maybe you can't teach an old dog new tricks.
$3000 ....what a dummy!

When I look back at the road I have traveled on this leg of my Journey, I can't help but to be amazed at just how it is I have come to this place.
The "leg" of my Journey I am referring to is the one where I shifted my efforts towards finding some help towards financial improvement.
The starting point was ,much like when I was at max weight, a very scary place.
I knew I had to do something....whatever I had been doing obviously was not working.
Like my physical condition at max weight, I had grown so far out of control that my options were clear, stay where I was which would only lead to disastrous consequences, or set about the challenge to change.
Like weight loss, I knew it would not happen over night. Like weight loss, I knew that improvement would be incremental, painfully incremental at times.
Like weight loss,incremental is monumental.
(Such a great line I came up with all those months ago!)
There were many many starts and stops along the way.
Much like getting on a scale daily, looking at my finances, the stacks of bills and the road to health all seemed so daunting.
I turned,much like in weight loss, to all sorts of quick fixes. 
None worked.
I put my energies into plans and schemes and promised dreams.
Again, nothing seemed to work.
In February, I took a job driving a bus.
It was not out of desperation.
I just knew I had to do something. 
10 hours a week.
Nothing huge. 
Certainly not game changing.
It was a first step. 
10 hours became 11 hours. 
Then 13 hours.
Then 15 hours.
Now it will be 24 hours.
As this new way became the norm, I began adding other pieces as well.
Much like moving the middle number on the scale, incremental changes lead to more incremental change.
Like weight loss and weight management, my finances are an ever evolving process.
Like weight loss, I work diligently at this daily.
Like weight loss,I can notice the incremental changes even early on in the process.
Like weight loss, one day at a time, one step at a time, one bite of the elephant at a time will lead to good even great things.
Like weight loss,financial improvement should not be a struggle. It should be and has to be a commitment to doing what is necessary.
One day at a time , every day!
When I look at my wardrobe, I can see the by products of my work with weight loss.
I look forward to the day when that wardrobe reflects the same success in my financial state of well being!