The other day while I was on a conference call, something the facilitator said rang a bell in me. 
Ding!
 I had lost sight of something.
What goes around comes around.Seasons come and they go.Each one with their own special message and purpose. I have written about this in the past....often. As I listened to the call, I was reminded of the seasonality of life.The call leader made no mention specifically of this, however,something she said obviously triggered my brain to come back to this.
In the past,when the planting season would come, I, like any good farmer would ready my fields, go out to the shed where I stored my seeds and plant them knowing exactly what I planted. A little from this batch of seed,a little from that batch of seed and before I knew it,they were all in the ground, and the Winter, the germinating season was upon us.In the Spring, the growing season ,the seeds would become seedlings and I knew exactly which plants were what.I knew what I had planted . Like any good farmer, if I planted wheat, wheat would grow. If I planted soy,soy would grow.If I planted barley, I would not expect to see hops growing.How well they grew? That was a different story with many external factors.But no matter what those external forces were,if I planted corn....I would get corn!
This year for some reason,things seem different. As I would always do, at the end of harvest I began preparing for my next crop.There was a storm approaching and I had to hurry and get my seed in the ground. When I went to the shed for seed, it was as if,all of the labels were off of the bins. I grabbed handfuls of seeds from as many different containers as possible and raced to the fields scattering all that I had gathered,not knowing what it was I was planting.
I gathered up my tools, stowed them away,went inside and hunkered down from the storm.Now Winter is here and I have no idea what it is I have planted.Every day I peek out my window to look and see what might be growing beneath the surface.
It's futile!
You can't see what you can't see.
So I wait.
In due time Spring will be here.The seeds will eventually push upward and seedlings will appear. What they will be is the great unknown. Whatever it will be will be. All the hoping and praying will not matter. What matters is what I do with the crop that appears. And what I do now to make sure I have prepared for the season ahead of me. Sharpen my tools, clean up my surroundings and prepare for what ever bursts forth.
Spring will follow Winter.Summer will follow Spring and eventually it will be harvest season once again.
I do not control the seasons.
 I can only prepare for them!

On my way to the gym this morning I found that I was having a familiar conversation with myself.
"Why am I writing a book?"
Only this time the conversation was different. In the past my reticence was from a lack of self confidence.I found myself questioning why anyone would want to read a book about me.I have come to understand that it's not about me (a fact I was reminded of yesterday). This time my trepidation was coming from a place of lack! With my resources being tested ,why am I spending time and energy on something as frivolous as writing a book?
Is it feeding my family? 
Is it generating income?
Is it paying my bills?
Is it providing a roof over my head?
The answer to these questions is no as far as I can tell.
So why, then am I not pushing the book idea to the side and focusing all of my energy and attention towards the BHAM (Big Hairy Audacious Monster) in the room?
As much as this was bothering me, I set it aside and went about my workout...upper body and some cardio and an hour later I was heading out the door. That's when I ran into a friend who has been reading my stuff daily for over a year now.
She wanted to thank me. She went on to explain that after reading my stuff regularly she has a fresh outlook on her own life and has begun a journey of her own. She has chosen to appreciate where she is and what she has today and use it as both a comfort blanket as well as a launching pad for what else in store for her.Her face lit up as she described how much better she feels when she drops the lack and acknowledges the blessings in her life.She was  glowing as she shared some of her immediate plans as well as talking about her eye on the future.
I left the gym feeling .....well awesome!
Knowing I had touched a life, just one life,in such a positive way was the answer to my question from earlier today. That is why I am writing a book. It is not taking anything away from my table. It is not rerouting the funds for paying bills. And it is not jeopardizing the roof over my families head.Nor is it stopping me from exploring options to rectify my current situation.
I felt good about that. I still had lack issues to deal with ,however the book has nothing to do with that. I understood in that moment that the book thing is a good thing.
As I drove away I found myself humming to the song on the radio.
It was Thomas Rhett singing...."Die a happy man!"
Fitting huh!

Addictions by their very nature control our lives.By definition, they become things we can't live without.They may start out casually, even recreational. At first they may even be good for you such as pain meds or anxiety medications. What harm is there in a drink with a friend or colleague?

Little by little, you find that you seek the pleasurable feeling more and more. Before you know it, to achieve the same high, you need more of what ever it is that you are addicted to. Without it, you feel depressed,unhappy and out of sorts.

You want more...and you want it to bring you even higher. Yet, you need a stronger dose just to sustain what you already have, never mind what it would take to elicit those feelings of euphoria you are seeking.

I am an addict. 

My addiction.....creating awesome!

I just love bringing joy to people. I love creating environments and experiences that are awesome, not just pleasurable.

Memorable is good,unforgettable is better!

Tied into that same addiction is building things. 

Taking a dream, creating a vision and following through to a reality.

I have played many roles on stage, yet nothing was more gratifying than producing a show.

Add insurmountable odds to the equation and I light up like the skies on the 4th of July!

I realized just how addicted to this process I am this weekend. I am in the throws of setting up a new business with my wife and daughter. For me. it's not a money thing....I certainly will not be able to retire or even fill the gaps in my revenue stream that I am searching for. It's about the process. It's about creating. It's about bringing a dream to something tangible. 

It's turning why not into booyah!

 In the grand scheme of things, this project is not monumental in size. When I am involved in the process, I am on fire. However,because it is not a 24/7 type of project for me, I find that after the high, I come crashing back down to the sober reality of my life.....craving more and more and more of the action!

You may think that there are worse addictions to deal with Possibly......but right now,not from where I am sitting!

There is a little voice inside of me keeps repeating "there must be more!

You are correct. I did not write to you yesterday. When the day started out,I had every intention to write. As the hours passed,I found myself unfocused and by nightfall I simply decided to abandon any attempt to share my thoughts with you. My thinking was "tomorrow is another day!".
Well here it is ,yesterday's tomorrow and if I were to succumb to the way I am feeling energetically, I would not be sitting here writing today either.
It could be the residual effect of  my workout from yesterday. Normally on Saturday mornings I train with my trainer. Yesterday, instead, he became my workout partner. It was a fantastic experience,one that I hope we can do more often. Working out with a young man in his late 20's who until two years ago was playing semi-pro football, is pretty awesome at 61!Now if he could only keep up with me!
(JUST KIDDING!)
To be honest, I don't believe that's the reason for my apparent lethargy.I suppose I could ruminate on the why's of my apathetic mood, however that would really be of no help. 
While searching for a quote or thought of the day, I came across Steve Maraboli's quote which had been sitting on my desk top for a while now.It absolutely sums up where I am today.And what I must do to move on from this place.
Get out of my own way!
Stop the paralysis by analysis. 
Create a plan and move on!
The only part of his quote that I am not dealing with is "decide what you want".
In that I am not sure what I want ,I am choosing to keep moving knowing that eventually the darkness will pass and a light will once again shine in me.In fact, maybe that is the "what I want". I want to not be stuck here any longer. So my decision is to get.off of my butt and move on. 
There are times in the gym, where I find that I am encouraging myself to push through. Sometimes I am even scolding,yelling or challenging myself.Today is just one such day. I know I will be better off for putting forth the effort. And not a half-ass feeble simulation of effort. I mean a dig deep and find that extra effort. The kind that just showed up yesterday when I found myself trying to keep pace with some one less than half my age whose physical attributes are only something I can dream of having.
(No matter how much I work out or how much weight I lose, I will never be 6'4").
The message is clear.
Get moving....keep growing!
Like that extra rep at the end of a set, I know I will feel better for having pushed myself!
Shavua Tov!

It's another How am I doin' Friday.To tell you the truth, I am doing pretty darn well!
I suppose if I were so inclined I could gripe about a whole boat load of things. My weight,the weather,my finances,my time management,the general direction of my life etc.etc. etc. 

Instead I find myself excited about the opportunities that each of these arenas have in store.The potential for change and growth is unlimited.Understanding that not one of these is life threatening and that change is incremental, makes it all seem so easy.

Evolutionary vs. Revolutionary.

Today,  evolutionary , gradual methodical change is my best course of action.

With no proverbial gun to my head,the upheaval that revolutionary drastic change brings is unnecessary. Developing a sensible forward plan that brings about steady progress is much more effective than turning the world upside down and then dealing with the consequences of that action.There may be a time, place and need for that revolutionary change. It's just not where I am right now.

Standing still is not an option either. 

Change is inevitable!

Without a plan, change will happen ,and probably not in a good way.

That is why, I spend so much time and energy addressing every opportunity to keep moving in a positive direction.All around me I hear"Make 2016 the best year of your life!"Well of course that's what we want.But it doesn't happen just by wanting it. I have to work at it.

And that is exactly what I am doing on this How am I doin' Friday!

Shabbat Shalom!

It's 4:30 in the morning. I have been at my desk since a little before 3,in part a residual effect from the last 2 days which somehow managed to slip away from me . At around 2 this morning I found myself wide awake and staring at the ceiling.Instead of fighting with my pillow and wrestling with my blanket, I decided to get a head start on the day in the hopes of freeing up some time as well as attending to some agenda items that have been left undone.
So far, it's been a good day!
I have sent out a few emails that even though have not been answered yet,are off of my to do list.I have also found some quiet time to think as well as to listen to some of my daily work including my Darren Daily.The day feels like I have the opportunity to respond to my to do list rather than react to it.
As I cleared up some open items, I remembered that two days ago, I had wanted to address something that my mentor had put out for thought.
In his daily message, Darren suggested making a list of the 3 things that I would not do in 2016. What 3 things are so important to me, that I will not compromise on them.
Two of them came to me immediately.The third seemed to elude me. That is until this morning. The quiet of the stillness of the early morning has allowed me to to be open to my innermost thoughts and feelings.In that calm and quiet, it was easy to see what these three immutable "will not's"  are.
* I will not go back!
* I will not give up!
* I will not minimize my self worth!
I have worked very hard over the last two and a half years to get where I am today.My health is the best it has been in decades,absolutely the best since becoming an adult (when exactly did that happen !).
* I will not go back!
I am not making nearly as much money as I once did, however I have a clearer picture of my finances and a more rational approach to how to deal with this.
* I will not give up!I have a much better understanding of who I am and my value to others.
* I will not minimize my self worth!
I have a long list of accomplishments (notice I did not say accolades) that if put on a resume would be beyond impressive.I have given and have so much more to give.Wherever I am and wherever I go, is nourished by my presence. Whoever I meet or whoever I come in contact with is elevated through that encounter.I understand that this is the busiest of two way streets as I grow from each and everyone of these events and experiences. My takeaways far outreach what I give.What I gain from them is immeasurable.
In the past,I did not have the self esteem to understand that this was in fact a two way street. I would be upset because others did not acknowledge my value. I would not take credit for my accomplishments. always deflecting and deferring to others.Self promotion was (and still is) abhorrent to me.
Awareness and acknowledgement of my worth is different.Understanding who I am and what I am about and what I have to offer and what I bring to any given situation or relationship is huge!
* I will not go back!
* I will not give up!
* I will not minimize my self worth!Never again!

Another day that ha gotten completely away from me.It as been non stop since early this morning.The grind of the day has clouded my thoughts making writing feel like a chore rather than my favorite part of the day.I am not sure how that happened or why I allowed that to happen again today.I do know that it feels like a loss to me.I also know that I do not like the way it feels.

I can justify all of the why's as to how this happened. There are a million and one excuses or reasons.Bottom line....it happened and I am not liking it.

The good news is that I am aware of it now . I will not pressure myself this evening to be"creative" . The energetic juices that often flow during my writing time are not connected to a switch that I can simply turn on or off.Forcing creativity is pointless.Therefore once again, I am going to call it a night. I will grab a cup of coffee, relax a bit and get to bed.As I tell my clients tomorrow is another day. Today will end at midnight.

And I always leave them with....

Let's see what tomorrow brings!