When the smiles go away

“Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day.”

 -Henri Nouwen

Last night I received a text from a co-worker.

"Sad news"

"Helen passes away".

It was sad news.

Working with the age group that I do,it's not uncommon,always sad,never a shock anymore and rarely do I get that upset when I hear about a loss.

It is a fact of life that I have come to accept.

Helen, who has been a passenger on my bus for 3 plus years lived a long life.

During the first 2 1/2 years that I knew her, she always had a smile.

Not without the challenges of dementia, she still had a smile that could light up a room.Often,for no reason at all, she would look at you,sing something in Yiddish and then smile that smile.

It made my day.

A few months ago, Helen became ill and missed a few months on the bus. when she returned,she was now in a wheelchair, mostly because she had become so weak and frail.

Her physical decline was not as disturbing as the absence of her smile.

It had literally vanished.

In its place was this look of fear.

It was unrelenting and unnerving.

It was all I could think about last night when I got the news.

Helen had lost her smile,not unlike so many others I have lost over the years.

When the smile goes,it is replaced by an sadness in the eyes.

I am not sure what is behind that sadness.

sorrow?

Fear?

Pain (emotional not physical)?

Confusion?

I don't know.

What I do know is that it is there and does not go away until......

It saddens me when I see those empty sad eyes.

I am constantly on guard.

On guard against the day when the smiles go away.