The Answer

 After weighing in this morning and then looking at my calendar, I have come to the stark realization that there is no way that I can possibly lose the weight I need to lose to wear the outfit I hoped to where for this wedding I will be attending in mid May.

That kind of sucks.

It doesn't suck enough to make me quit.

 In fact, truth be told, I am feeling pretty okay about myself on the How Am I Doin' Friday.

The weather here is absolutely gorgeous and although I had to wear a hoodie earlier in the day,I will spend the afternoon in short sleeves.(and look pretty damn good in them)!

Woo Hoo!

Yesterday I started my I Am list in hopes of understanding who I am today.

The first thing I did was toss out the "what I do" labels. 

I drive a bus.

I sell Halloween stuff.

I volunteer my time.

Etc, etc, etc.

That was easy. What I do is not who I am. 

So back to the list....who am I?

I am a father,a brother, a husband , a friend,a Jew,an Uncle,and many other things. 

All well and good I suppose.

Still none of these captures the whole of me, the big picture.

I kept starting my list and then deleting things .

I found it a bit daunting and frustrating so I pushed it aside for the time being.

This morning, I called my Rabbi to discuss something. 

He wasn't in so I was redirected to his voice mail.

When It came time to leave my message (after the obligatory beep) I started with Hi Rabbi....it's David. 

And there it was. The answer and the only item that really makes sense for me to put on my list.

I Am David!

That kind of says it all.

Shabbat Shalom!

I Am.....

 Yesterday my day started off innocently enough.
There was a slight chill in the air , however the sky was bright blue and the Sun was shining.
I was dealing with the discomfort I was experiencing physically for the most part.
My plan for the day was handling the rest of my unpaid bills for the month,yes,before the month was even half over!
Life was good!
After my morning bus run , I sat down at my desk, opened my computer and was greeted by 2 separate Facebook posts, one from each of my daughters.
They both posted pictures of and remembrances to Loki.
It would have been his 11th birthday.
My heart sank!
Tears welled up as I pushed back in my chair.
I was sad on 2 accounts.
Obviously I missed my pal.
I miss him a lot.
The sadder part was that had it not been for my girls' posts, I never would have remembered.
That really saddened me.
When did I stop caring?
Today is Yom Hashoah, the day we remember those who perished in The Holocaust.
Oh sure, I did my part. 
I lit my candle last night.
I ran my candle program at the JCCP once again.
 I even distributed candles to the riders on my bus.
Was that enough?
By evening last night I chose to shut down. I withdrew from everything.
I drove Susan to the chiropractor and opted to not take a treatment.
By the time we left the doctor's office,it was late after 8 pm.
I stopped and let Susan run in to Panera to grab something for herself for dinner.
I chose to not eat. 
I came home, checked my emails and went to bed.
For almost the entire trip to and from the doctor's office we drove in silence. 
I didn't feel like talking.
Today my mood had changed a bit.
I was puzzled by my actions the night before.
What was going on for me?
While driving my route this morning I pondered that question a lot.
All too often, people live in the space that immediately surrounds them, not giving much thought to what happens outside of that small circle.
I see people all the time with ear buds in, noses in some device, or just ambivalent to the rest of the world.
Is this what is happening to me?
Am I living in that 3' circle that directly encompasses me?
When exactly did I stop using the word we and replaced it with me?

I discussed this with a friend this morning. He said that for himself, he has not given up,he just chooses to do his own thing and not change the World.
Is that where I am?
Have I given up trying to make the World a better place?
Is it enough that within my tiny personal space all is okay? 
Is that all that matters?

A while back I wrote about wet wood.
You can't start a fire with wet wood.
I know I am not wet wood.So then what am I?
What have I become?
How do I answer that?
The same way I approach any project. I make a plan, a list that starts with:
I AM:.......

Rock Bottom

It was April 25th,2016 , a little less than 2 years ago. 
Susan and I had been at the Jewish Center for evening services.
On the way home, I suggested that we stop in to visit with some friends.
I pulled into their drive way,put the car in reverse to park it and Whammo!
I plowed Susan's car into a tree.
There was the instant sound of the impact followed by the shattering sound of the rear window.
I freaked out.
I lost it.
I screamed at myself. 
I cursed my existence and after cleaning up the mess, we eventually headed home. During the 5 minute ride home, I continued the freak out. 
My tirade went on and on. 
My abuse of myself was unending. 
Susan could not get me to stop beating myself up.
I blustered on and on .
We pulled up the driveway. I put the car in park and just sat there. 
It seemed like an eternity passed.
And then I began to sob.
I was inconsolable.
I did more than hit a tree that night.
I hit rock bottom. 
I felt worthless.
I was embarrassed.
Not at the accident. 
Accidents happen.
We had insurance. 
We also had a $1000 deductible.
I had no idea where that was going to come from. 
I was almost 62 years old and I couldn't scrape together or even imagine where I could scrape together, the money I would need to repair the damage I had one.
The Damage I Had Done!
How much damage had I done to those I love over the years by not being a financial success?
Now, staring at the broken window and the mangled back end of Susan's car,I could not avoid comparing this wreck to the wreck I had made out of my and more importantly my families lives.
I had never cried in front of anyone, never mind Susan.
And here I was sobbing uncontrollably.
I was worthless.
In that moment I believed I had in fact fallen to the lowest depths of despair and I could not see that there was even the remotest possibility of getting up again.
If this sounds overly dramatic,trust me , at the time,it wasn't.
The episode lasted all of about an hour from the time I hit the tree to the time I calmed down enough to start  developing my next steps.
It may have been the worst hour I can ever remember.
Today,it seems like an eternity ago.
The incident that is,not the despair!

The Plan

 The plan was to start another 40 day cycle the Monday after Passover ended.
40 days and I would be at a comfortable enough weight when it came time to shed the hoodies and vest I have been wearing all Winter and don the more appropriate (and much more unforgiving!) clothes of Spring.
Golf shirts, jogging suits, jeans and shorts certainly require a slimmer sleeker body.
During Passover which just happened to coincide with the reset phase of my last cycle, I put on a few more pounds than I wanted to.
Okay a few is being kind.
 I watched as the pounds just kept coming and coming and coming.
I wasn't thrilled over this but I did know that I would be jumping right back in and that this next cycle would at the very least bring me to an "acceptable" weight.
(Note acceptable, not ideal!)
As the holiday drew near to its close,Susan and I received an invitation to a wedding in mid May.
Now that presents a whole new ball of wax.
An acceptable weight for shorts and t-shirts is completely different than what is necessary to look great in my white jacket!
To make matters worse, the wedding falls on what will be day 35 of this 40 day cycle.
If you add the 2 days of reset that's a whole week of weight loss cut off from the back end of the program.
Now the pressure is on.
A friend said"no big deal, you can just go buy a new suit. You'll look fine"
Really!
No way!
Uh Uh!
Now I NEED to get into that outfit!
So much for The Plan!
Just before the Spring Holidays began, my brother posted on the Why Weight Facebook page that the holidays aren't about eating.
I can't begin to tell you how many times I have used that line with clients.
"Food is not that important".
"Socialize, dance, make conversation."
"The buffet table is for those who are weak".
"Food is only for sustenance!"
Yeah, and sex is just for procreation!
Lets face it ,we all enjoy celebrating with food. 
Much like the fore mentioned deal with procreation, sometimes we indulge to have fun. It feels good. 
We enjoy it.
Luckily I am less concerned with what I can eat at this wedding than I am with what I will wear.
This will be a challenge. 
So much for planning!

What a week!
Yes, it's been an entire week since I have found (read taken) the time to write to you.
Where have I been and what have I been up to?
Don't ask!
Between the back , and work and one absolutely hellacious computer crash, the week just completely disappeared.
Honestly, other than the computer crash, I can't even remember what kept me so busy.
All of that is in the past. I'm back now and ready to carry on!
One of the "things" that didn't get done this week was cleaning up my yard.
I had planned to use Friday as my day for attacking the yard. 
My plan was to get up early, hire 2 day laborers and starting at the street,work my way to the back property line. 
Never happened!
Mother Nature was not going to cooperate with me.
First there was a snow storm (oh yeah ...I forgot about that!).
Then rain. 
Then some more rain.
Before attempting to rake up the yard, it really needs to dry out and firm up a bit.
Having to cancel my plans was causing me some angst. 
That is until this morning .
 As I drove along my bus route today, I noticed that other than the forsythia and a couple of other early bloomers, there are very few signs of Spring. 
There aren't even buds on the trees yet.
So why am I rushing it?
There's plenty of time until Spring springs.
My new plan is to use next Saturday as that clean up day.
It will be my only day off for the next 2 weeks.
I checked the weather forecast and it seems like we will have a dry week through Saturday.
The next rain looks like it comes in on the following Sunday and Monday.
What's the old expression"Mother knows Best!".
It seems that the mother they are referring to is Mother Nature herself!
Who am I to argue with that?
Shavua Tov!

April Word of the Month!

While participating in the Seder the other night , we got side tracked (what a surprise!) in yet  another energetic discussion.
During the reading we came upon the word "observe".
It became obvious to me that this should be my 
April Word of the Month:
OBSERVE

verb

1. 1.
   notice or perceive (something) and register it as being significant.
2. 2.
   fulfill or comply with (a social, legal, ethical, or religious obligation).

As you can see there are 2 distinct and completely different uses of this word.
In our discussion over the word OBSERVE, even though the context in which we read it clearly pointed to the 2nd use, when the guests at our table were asked what the word meant every person's first response was the earlier use.
Interesting!
Am I an observant person or an observant person?
Do I simply watch and view ((observe) life  or do I participate in it fully?
Do I observe the laws,customs and traditions associated with Passover or do Iobserve?Am I observant of my religion or am I observant in it?
Can I be both?
I am not sure that the 2 uses are necessarily connected.
Each stands alone. I can perceive something as significant and leave it at that. I can participate in something fully even when it is not significant or I have not perceived it as important.
There is the little matter we call choice. 
I can observe a thing to be significant and choose to observe the actions that surround it.
Clearly the word significant is significant here!
To OBSERVE is a choice.
When I observe that choice becomes mine
Chew that over for a while . 
I have been for a few days and it's starting to hurt my brain!

Counting the Omer

Last night was the second Seder . It is also the night that we (you know the"Chosen People") begin counting the Omer. What is the Omer you may ask.
Wikipedia tells us:

 "The Omer.... is an important verbal counting of each of the forty-nine days between the Jewish holidays of Passover and Shavuot ....

This mitzvah ("commandment") derives from the Torah commandment to count forty-nine days beginning from the day on which the Omer, a sacrifice containing an omer-measure of barley, was offered in the Temple in Jerusalem, up until the day before an offering of wheat was brought to the Temple on Shavuot. The Counting of the Omer begins on the second day of Passover.... and ends the day before the holiday of Shavuot, the 'fiftieth day.'

The idea of counting each day represents spiritual preparation and anticipation for the giving of the Torah[1] which was given by God on Mount Sinai at the beginning of the month of Sivan, around the same time as the holiday of Shavuot. The Sefer HaChinuch (published anonymously in 13th-century Spain) states that the Hebrew people were only freed from Egypt at Passover in order to receive the Torah at Sinai, an event which is now celebrated on Shavuot, and to fulfill its laws. Thus the Counting of the Omer demonstrates how much a Hebrew desires to accept the Torah in his own life."

I personally have never made the commitment to count the Omer.
In the year following my mother's death I counted the Omer basically because I was in shul every day.
So naturally every evening when we said the prayers associated with this ritual I was aware of it.
When I saw an email this morning from Rabbi Levy launching her observance of the counting , I decided to make the commitment this year.
Not at my synagogue where for me it's just a bunch of Hebrew words that I don't understand, but in my daily gift to myself.
I have also decided to offer to share it with you.
Rabbi Yael (Levy) breaks the 49 days down into 7 weeks, each with a specific point of attention.
Each Saturday night for the next 7 weeks, I will share her weekly area of contemplation with you. 
Each evening, I will share her thoughts connected to the weeks message as well. 
I enjoy when I have a "challenge" dedicated to a specific period of time like the cycles of our weight loss program.
40 days and move on.
Here's an opportunity for 49 days to work on me once again,spiritually.
Personal growth is always a good thing!
Follow along if you choose to. 
Hit delete if you want.
I enjoy a challenge.
How about you?

Shavua Tov!