Sad to say

“Only when life is difficult, are we challenged to become our greatest selves.”

Jonathan Lockwood Huie

 Tomorrow evening our family will gather together for dinner to celebrate Rosh Hashana and the start of the High Holidays as we do every year.

Every year except one over almost 3 decades.

Sadly, I find myself entering the holiday season this year with absolute ambivalence.

The connection to the significance of the High Holiday season has completely eluded me this year.

After the break created by last year's restrictions, I find no reason to return to the way it always used to be.

I know longer have the same connection to the community I once felt so committed to maintaining.

I never was "devout" when it came to prayer.

My family certainly doesn't have any connection to the holidays other than what I create or bring to the table.

The "stuff" that should well up inside of me , that in the past has welled up inside of me, just isn't there.

I am neither mindful of or thoughtful towards the significance of the season.

Nor am I like Scrooge at Christmas time.

I am not expecting visits from spirits of High Holidays past.

The profound has been completely erased by the mundane.

It is sad to say.

It diminishes who I am.

It diminishes the quality of my life.

Yet, I don't even care to change that.

Like a loveless relationship, I feel no need to go through the motions.

It's a sad thing.

Lord only knows how many(or few) Yom Tovim I have left in my life.

It seems very sad t be feeling as disconnected from them as I do.

I can't imagine that I will suddenly experience some sort of epiphany .

It kind of just is what it is.

And what it is is just very sad.

Still , I want to wish you all:

“Shanah tovah um’tukah”-“Have a good and sweet year.”

and

“Tizku l’shanim rabot”-“May you see many more years.”

Shavua Tov!