Stronger than the storm!

For the first time in almost 2 weeks,I donned a shirt and tie today.A family with whom we are friendly will be celebrating their son's Aufruf today.

"Aufruf (Yiddish: אויפרוף ofrif,oyfruf, ufruf/ifrif or אויפרופן ofrifn), which in Yiddish means "calling up", is the Jewish custom of a groom being called up in the synagogue for an aliyah, i.e., recitation of a blessing over theTorah.[1] In the Ashkenazic Jewish community the aufruf ceremony is usually held on the Shabbat before the wedding; but can also be held on a Monday or Thursday."-Wikepedia

This meant that I had to get dressed before Susan left for work.

While my hand is improving daily,I still can't use it at all, which makes getting dressed challenging.I have learned to ask for and accept her assistance as frustrating as this may be.As I get better every day, I find myself becoming more and more engaged in life.During the days when the pain was at it's apex,I was less human.It was as if I was a wounded animal,who had crawled away to either heal or die.I could barely hold conversations.My attention span was limited to what was immediately in front of me.My dress and demeanor was slovenly.It was an awful,albeit necessary place to be.

On a daily basis, this is improving. Putting on nice clothes today,especially my shirt and tie, is a major stepping stone on the road to normalcy.

It's not just my appearance that suffered during these 2 weeks.My attitude and effectiveness were also less than admirable.Happy and healthy had been overridden by miserable and in constant pain.I was not clear headed in my moment to moment never mind long term decision making.I am more and more convinced that this played a major role in my hitting the tree setting off a chain of events that left me feeling as if life were spiraling out of control.

Today, I feel like I have weathered the brunt of the storm.The tsunami which overwhelmed me has receded and I can begin the process of cleaning up and getting back to a more normal life.

Paraphrasing what we in New Jersey were fond of saying after Hurricane Sandy.....I will be stronger from this storm.It kicked my butt......however, my butt can take it!

Shabbat Shalom!

A very special How am I doin' Friday!

Believe it or not,I am not a man of prayer.Yes I attend services,at times in my life fairly regularly.Yes every Friday night we light candles,make kiddush and hamotzi
 (the prayers over wine and bread).And yes, I say kaddish ( the mourners prayer) when it is appropriate.When I attend shul, I participate in (sometimes vociferously) all communal prayers and melodies.With that said,the prayers themselves have never comforted or held much meaning to me.I read Hebrew but I do not understand any of it.Basically,I have no idea what the words that I am chanting mean.......I just learned to say them.
This morning,I woke up just before dawn.I began thinking about the day ahead.My first thoughts were about the shop.In a few hours, the lights would go on, and Susan and Becca would be waiting for Chewy, their first customer to walk through the doors.I waited and watched for the first bit of sunlight to peek through the window.When they did, I recited the Shehecheyanu blessing.The Shehecheyanu blessing (Hebrew: שהחינו‎, "Who has given us life") is a common Jewish prayer said to celebrate special occasions. It is said to be thankful for new and unusual experiences.
As I said, I know.I can tell you its purpose,I can't tell you what the words mean.
It felt appropriate.This is a very special occasion.It is a new beginning.Not just for them ,but for myself as well.
For the first time in a very long time,I feel like I have accomplished something.This was more than opening a new business.I feel that through my efforts,my experience,guidance,tutelage,and mentor ship, I have been given the gift of giving.For the first time in a very very long time,I can sit back and feel pride in knowing I delivered on my promise.....no regrets,no cut corners, no "if only's".
There are a lot of things I have not been able to do for or with my family,vacations,fancy cars,extravagant celebrations,a big house or even a fortune when I am gone.This however feels like I made good on my promise.
So on this particular How am I doin' Friday,I can honestly say that I am doing great.I did a great job.And there is not a sliver of remorse or discontent inside of me.
In a way, I feel humbled in knowing that I delivered on my promise of this blessing, this gift that opened its doors today .

"Blessed are You, Lord,our God, King of the

Universe,who has granted us life, sustained us and

enabled us to reach this occasion."

(Baruch atah Adonai Elohenu melekh ha'olam shehecheyanu vekiymanu vehigi'anu lazman hazeh.)

Shabbat Shalom!

Next!

 Tomorrow,Susan and Becca have their first customer coming in at 8:30.Their second appointment is for 10 am. And with that a new chapter in their lives begins. For me, the experience of getting yet another business up and running has been exhilarating. As is always the case for me, as one thing wraps up,I become restless until I find a new project or endeavor to become involved in.Actually,it didn't take me all that long to find something to keep me going.After 8 months of working out of the house,I deemed it necessary to rearrange my family room/ office space.It was a quick project that took place over 3 nights,.It completely changed the look and the feel of the space .It also afforded me the opportunity to make some changes,subtle as they may be.
I always view change as something good.
Maybe this new set up will provide me with a new perspective on things.My desk is clean for he first time in weeks!I have begun rearranging shelves and making the space more functional.The room once again feels big instead of cramped.The open expanse seems to fuel an energy of openness.The feeling of same old same old has been replaced by "what's next?".
I'm liking it a lot!
Yes, this shake up was not greeted warmly by the others I cohabit-ate with daily.Some of them aren't as "visionary" as I am . And it probably would have been received differently had I mentioned what I was planning before I went ahead and did it!
Nevertheless,I had a vision and a plan and I wasn't looking for anyone's approval or input.Although I did this for me, everyone likes it and will benefit from these changes.
In my world, that's no harm no foul!
Who knows?Maybe this will help. I need something and sitting around wringing my hands trying to figure out what's next was just not working for me
Tomorrow, I will finish up the bits and pieces that need tending to here, the shop will be up and running and hopefully my health situation will take another leap forward.We have Susan's car back from the body shop.the weekend is right around the corner, and once again, I have yet another opportunity to start something new! 

As they say....all good stuff!

What matters?

When I started my day today, I had a few different thoughts about what I wanted to share in my writing today.Some where between a phone conversation with a friend and reading my daily message from my mentor Darren Hardy,none of those things seemed to matter anymore.In his email,Darren challenged me once again to stop wasting my time,effort and energy on things that really do not matter and to continue to work on the one and only thing that does,me!
Idle gossip,envy and anger occupy so much of my energy and I don't even realize it.The news,chit chat with friends,and just about everything else I encounter daily has little if nothing to do with what is most important to me, personal growth and who and what I aspire to be.
Over the last few,no many,months I have strayed further and further away from this.Many of my closest friends and confidantes are much more pragmatic about life.Politics.....absolutely.
Work......for sure.
Finances.and the state of the economy....100%.
Sports.....oh yeah,that really matters.
Spirituality ?Why am I here?What is my purpose?How can I do and be and give more?
These things are just not part of the conversational landscape I normally experience.
Do I really care what some politico or pundit is yammering on about?Who cares which celebrity died?Do I need to worry or concern myself with the Yankees 6 game losing streak or pole positions for this week's upcoming Kentucky Derby?
Silliness...all silliness!
Tonight I, along with millions of others will light a yellow candle in remembrance of the 6 million Jews who died in the Shoah.
How did the Holocaust effect me?
What lessons were learned from this greatest atrocity man has ever known?
How can I be a beacon to those around me and generations to come ?
How will I acknowledge,remember and grow from the events that took place 70 or 80 years ago?
How do I continue to be the best me I aspire to be?
Maybe Mr. Hardy's message will serve as a wake up call to me.
In this moment in time, I know that pausing to light a candle,and granting myself the space to honor that choice is much more important than worrying about all of the other nonsense that is cluttering my vision.

Peace!

Aaaaaaargh!

This is just not me!At least it's not the me I want to be.This arm/hand trauma is wreaking havoc on every bit of my life.The pain and swelling is disrupting my sleep (that's putting it mildly).
I have resorted to wearing sweat pants as I am unable to pull up a pair of slacks or jeans and I certainly could not button them.T-shirts have replaced my shirt and tie.I could neither button a shirt or tie a tie,never mind tucking it in to my pants.I look and more importantly feel slovenly.This has repercussions.As I walked into the grocery store,the smiles which always come my way when I dress the part are not there.I look like every other schnook who does not think enough of himself to put on a nice outfit.
I find that my stature and the pace I walk at are diminishing in response to the way I look and feel.
I am feeling ineffective, impotent,uncreative,disconnected,useless,and ultimately unsure of myself.
A sense of lack is setting in.If in fact the good lord helps those who help themselves, it's no wonder I feel disconnected.It seems like I can do little to nothing to help myself so why should he......or anyone else for that matter.
Yes,my brain still works.
although a little foggy from pain, lack of sleep and the oppressiveness of my state of lack.
I am not enjoying this one bit.Every night I go to bed in hopes of a better tomorrow,only to be disappointed and discouraged when I realize that I am still hindered and handicapped by my current situation.
It is difficult to find positives to build upon right about now.
I need a haircut,a good shower,a car!
I want to get dressed,put on my best me and walk tall.
I want to feel vital,useful and energetic.
The good news is I know I will get past this.How do I know?I just do....because this is not who I am or how I want to be.
Frustrated?
You bet I am!
Angry?
Yep!
Sad?
Unbelievably!
Ready to quit?
NEVER!

Thanks for listening

Word of the Month:
Courteous

May 2nd! A new month and as promised a new word of the month.As a quick review,I started the year off back in January with the word Trustworthy,followed by Loyal,Helpful and then Friendly.This month's word is Courteous.It is an adjective meaning polite, respectful, or considerate in manner.This is another biggie in how I lead my life and how I comport myself on a daily basis. It has always been of paramount importance to me.However,until a short while ago, I did not realize that part of my behavior was distracting from this part of me.There were times,and looking back over the years way too many to be acceptable, where my behavior and more specifically my words, were contradictory to my desire to act courteously.

Where did this  offending culprit living inside of me come from?

My sarcasm and wit!

I used to believe that these "attributes" were funny,charming and endearing. 

Guess what........they are not!

While I never meant for them to be,they are often hurtful cutting,biting and inappropriate.About a month ago,I caught myself once again,hurting someone when I was "kidding around". Immediately after I did it,I new I had stepped far astray from how I felt and that I had offended someone who I care for and have the utmost respect for.

Sarcasm.....

It may be one of the hardest things for me to put down. I have used it for so long that it became part of my natural banter.I would proudly boast that in a battle of wits I would almost always win since most around me were half armed!(get it .....half wits! Duh?)

See what I mean! How awful!

What I believed were cute barbs and jabs are really malicious and ugly stains that leave a trail of debris where ever and when ever they are used.

Have I stopped using them?

Unfortunately not 100%..Using them has become as natural to me as writing right handed , which in and of itself is not that pretty. You can only imagine how ugly my writing is left handed!The point is, it still feels very unnatural to me when the opportunity to rise above such boorish behavior presents itself.

In this respect,I am still a very flawed individual.I continue to work at this daily and my hope is that this word of the month will surely bring May flowers!

My Corner of the Sky!

I love my song choice for my Sunday Song of the Day today,Corner of the sky from Pippin.The song transports me back in time.Pippin may very well have been the first show I saw on Broadway.I had become involved in musical theater when I went to college.Growing up a stones throw away from the Big Apple, it seems strange that I had never seen a Broadway show until then.We had just struck set on our latest stage triumph,Celebration,a musical by the same gentlemen who brought us The Fantastiks.
For a college fraternity,we did an amazing job,assembling a cast and crew that to this day still fascinates me.The show has a magical quality about it.Those of us involved in this production all have fond memories of just how magical and trans formative our production was.
Opening night soon became closing night as an outbreak of spinal meningitis shut down the campus at the then Trenton State College.known today as The College of New Jersey.Little did we know,as our leader,my friend,brother and mentor Doug Smith,his shaking hand holding a cigarette near his head literally lighting it on fire,announced that after months of planning,rehearsing,set building and all of the rest of that which goes into a production of this magnitude,that what seemed tragic to those of us involved in this,would be the stepping stone to greatness for a good many of us.
I remember leaving campus that night heading to our impromptu cast party.Spinal meningitis or not......we were going to have a cast party!It was a wet ,blowy rainy night and the bill board announcing our yearly Fall production had been blown over. As my frat brother Rick and I drove past it,he stopped the car.We got out,stood the 4 x 8 hand painted  plywood sign back up and set it proudly back up at the main entrance to the campus.As we headed away ,he turned to me and said "well, there it is......life in a nutshell.Just like that sign, it's not about getting knocked down,it's all about getting back up!"
Booyah!
Fast forward a few short weeks later.Here I was sitting and waiting for the curtain to rise on my first Broadway show adventure.In the opening ensemble number,a young Ben Vereen  pulled a handkerchief through his hand placed on the floor and magically the stage gave rise to scrims and a  set that just blew me away. I literally fell from my seat to my knees.
I knew in that moment that magic was possible.
Soon, I was back on campus. The decision was made to start rebuilding what we had lost in the Fall fiasco with an unprecedented Spring production.Since Mr.'s Jones and Schmidt (the writers of Celebration) had been with us when this journey began, they might as well be our muse for the second act,so we chose The Fantastiks.
The rest is just so much more Phi Mu Alpha lore and legend. The following Fall we tackled Cabaret,a moment in my personal timeline that to this day sets the standard against which I measure any and all of my successes.Successes all born from what at that time felt like the end of the world.
Little did we know just how seminal an event like this could and would be.
It set me on my course to find my Corner of the Sky!