Mona's Birthday

 Today is my sister's birthday. This relatively minor bit of information has become a real source of conflict within me.

In our long and oft times troubled relationship, there has never been a time when I have not made it a priority to make sure that I reached out with birthday wishes to her. During the last 5 years,the mere proximity of her living in our house made it impossible for me to not acknowledge the day.

Before that, no matter how strained the relationship or how estranged she was from the rest of the family, I made sure to wish her a happy birthday ,so that in fact she knew that she had family who cared for her,no matter what.

Sadly, I suppose, that is no longer the case.

Fortunately, she moved out almost 5 months ago. My contact with her since then has been minimal at best.

As for "the family that cares for her", I can't say that exists. with the exception of my brother, who thankfully has stepped up and made sure that on a monthly basis her bills are getting paid and checks in to make sure she is okay.

There is no relationship with anyone else in the clan. My immediate family is and has been done with her for years.As for myself, any bridges that may have existed have been more than just burned. They have been obliterated.

Therein lies the conflict.

Since the deaths of both my mother and my father, I have been haunted by the same thoughts.

Did I do enough?

Was I there enough for them?

Did I do my best for them?

Did I give my all for them?

Was I a good son to them?

Could I have done more?

In the end it all boils down to one undeniable core value that has motivated me all of my life.

Did I in fact, honor my mother and father?

There is no answer to that.

At least none that quiets the unending questioning that haunts me in the wee hours of the morning,like now, when I should be sleeping.

Now that guilt has bled over to my sister.

I have no need or desire to be party to rebuilding those burnt bridges. Reaching out with birthday greetings would be hollow on my part.

I certainly will not be part of any bridge building or reconstruction. If there was ever to be a new bridge, I am certain it would have to be without any effort on my part.

There are about 23 hours left in this day for me to wrestle with this conundrum.

Will I feel better having made the simple gesture of sending a text?

Or will I hate myself come this time tomorrow having missed an opportunity to do the "right" thing?

I guess I will have to keep kicking that particular can down the road over what's left of my day.

Once again, no simple answer.

Only more questions and self doubts.