Something new

"Failure will never overtake me

if my determination to succeed is strong enough."

Og Mandino

Life got real for me today.

While lying in bed , reflecting upon where we are today and what I might want to accomplish when we can all move about freely once again,the first thing I decided to put on that list is to get down to see my friend Tom .

Once we have an "all clear" and I mean all, since Tom's health status is as compromised as any, this was the most important thing I could think of.

Yeah, there are some other things that need tending to, however this trip was the one of utmost importance.

Shortly thereafter, I dragged my OSA (Old Sorry Ass) out to my desk to do as I always do,check my emails. It was there that I was greeted with an email from Tom and his wife. It read in part:

"Dear ones, We want to let you know that Tom has now entered hospice care. It will be done in home as best we can. Please do not call. We need to rest when we can. ..."

I collapsed back in my chair as tears began to well.

No words.

To many remembrances.

I have written about Toma number of times in the past.

For years, I have referred to us as opposite sides of the same coin.

In this year of "Keep Telling the Stories" Tom and I have too many to recall and retell.

Heartsick does not describe my feelings.

There are no words.

There are no prayers.

There is nothing but the wait for the next email.

And then what.

A virtual funeral.

No last story telling session.

No last laughing.

No last beer.

No last knowing smile when our eyes meet.

Just an enormous empty feeling.

And then I move on.

"..... one man, scorned

And covered with scars."

With that, I have decided to add a daily "Song of the Day".

Maybe it will help.

You may want to listen or even better watch..

This was the one that came up for me today:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XuH34mXJ5i4

Letting no is not surrendering.

“A man is not old until his regrets take the place of his dreams.”

Yiddish Proverb

In a normal year on the morning before the first seder, I would be up by 5:30 in the morning to get a heads start on what would be a very busy day.By 6, I would be on my way to set up the siyum,aSpiegel tradition for over 5 decades.

This as we all know is anything but a normal year.

When I did get up at 5,I was kind of relieved that I didn't have to jump out of bed and get things started.The siyum and all other services have been cancelled until further notice.

Dolly had decided that her comfort was much more important than mine,causing me to sleep in a very awkward position. This resulted in a very stiff neck and shoulder. When I did begin my day an hour later,I couldn't help but notice that my entire body was stiffer than usual. These old achy bones get that way some days.

In a normal year, with a full day of cooking ahead of me preparing for the seder,this would have been a problem.

Again,this is anything but a normal year. Yesterday after a number of people expressed their concerns about gathering together this year, we cancelled our seder. Given how achy I was when my day started, again, probably a blessing in disguise.

In a normal year, I would traditionally have the entire day to complete all that I needed to get done. As I have stated more than once here, this was not gong to be aa normal year, even before the current quarantine. I was scheduled to work today, which would have had me out of the house until around 4 o'clock.Once we shut things down, my day was shortened by 3 hours. Another blessing. Combined with the fact that I was now making dinner for 4 instead of a seder for 20, I found myself once again giving thanks to The Universe for the change in the norm.

Nothing was normal about my day.

Nothing is normal about anything these days.

And sometimes that's a good thing.

Giving in is not giving up.

And letting go is not surrendering

Chag sameyach!

Giving in, not giving up

"You can't live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you."

John Wooden

I'm giving in, not giving up.

I have been as frustrated by the disruptions to my normal as anyone.

As I have said to you on more than one occasion, I hate being told what to do.

In this case, my kids listened and they asked me to curtail my exposure as much as possible, which includes shopping.

Something about me being old.

The ask came with an offer to help out with the shopping.

Heading into Passover, this is no small task. I did 1 big shopping 2 days ago, however it was no wheres near what I need for 2 seders and a Shabbat.

After the entire house got cleaned today, and switching out the entire kitchen for the holiday, I acquiesced and sent Becca a shopping list.

She will get this done while I am working tomorrow and cooking will commence once I get home.

Max has offered as he has for the last few years to do the wine run.

Sara who is pulling extra duty at the hospital, has offered to take care of preparing 2 huge berry bowls,one for each seder.

Preparing for Passover is exhausting.

Exhausted and run down will not serve me or anyone around me well.

I am not quite ready to give up.

I am still committed to keeping mu life as normal as I possibly can.

I am also smart enough to understand that giving in a little bit is truly the smart choice right now.

I am grateful not just for the help but for the love that is fueling it.

I am truly feeling blessed tonight.

Time to take off the gloves................

rea"We can only be said to be truly alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures."

Thornton Wilder

Time to take off the gloves!

And I mean literally.

I have struggled lately to remain positive.

There are so many incidents that cross my path that just infuriate me.

Staying home,with the television off and not going on social media is the only time I can find peace of mind. Anytime I have contact with people,all sanity,reason and good behavior seem to disappear.

Last night,the ugliness of humanity once again raised its ugly face.

The hoarding has been well documented and has completely colored my view of my fellow man.

Just when I have come to understand that we are animals of the worst kind, like feral dogs that growl if another approaches their meal, I have come to find that yes, we can actually sink lower on the scale of civility.

Have you been to the supermarket lately?

Have you walked through the parking lots?

Have you looked down by your feet?

The lots are strewn with face masks and used gloves, haphazardly discarded all over the place.

It's disgusting.

We are animals .

So here's what I suggest. Take off the gloves.

Do away with the msks.

Let nature take its course. Let this virus thin the heard.

Our quarantine and other measures has not brought out the best in all of us. In many cases,it has only highlighted the fact that we are just another another species of animals .And I don't mean we are cute little puppies and kittens. Too often,we are the vermin which we work so hard to keep out of our lives.

Sad.

The whole damn thing just makes me sad.

Time to take off the gloves,or maybe just crawl back into my cave.

April Word of the Month

April Word of the Month

Tikun Olam

Repair the World

Once again, I have chosen a Hebrew word or phrase as my word of the month.

Last month's word was HINENI,"here I am".

This month's phrase Tikun Olam ,is a colloquial phrase meaning "to repair the world".

I have had discussions (read arguments) with some who challenge this concept of "repairing" the world.

To "repair" it infers that in some way,that which The Creator has made is either flawed or broken.

I for one choose to view this as an opportunity to make the world a little bit better,to make a difference.

As much as it might be nice to leave a legacy that did in fact make an enormous impact on mankind, I have come to understand that before repairing "The World",Tikun Olam, I should probably pay more attention to L'Tikun Et Olam, repairing my world. My world meaning the world in which I live. My community, my home, with my family, friends neighbors,coworkers and colleagues.

The WORLD is a very big place!

My world is a lot smaller.

I remember as a child my parents cautioning me to eat what was on my plate, don't worry about what's on other peoples.

I can safely say that I have no messianic dreams or aspirations. That just isn't what I am about.

I am all about L'Tikun Et Olam, repairing my world.

There is actually a third phrase that is interwoven with Tikun Olam and L'Tikun Et Olam.

L'Tikun et Ami, to repair myself,is essential to the other two.

Before taking on the responsibilities of repairing or improving anything else,I know deep in my heart of hearts that I must always be repairing me.

I must enter each day searching for improvement, being a better version of myself than I was the day before.

Only when I do this, actively and aggressively work at being a better version today of the person I was yesterday,can I even have a hope of taking on a small part of the world around me.

Tikun Olam,L'Tikun Et Olam & L''Tikun et Ami.

You can't have one without the other.

Remember today's "Quote of the Day":

"...a person reaches in three directions-inward, to oneself; up to G-d; out to others. The miracle of life is that in truly reaching in any one direction, one embraces all three."

~ Rabbi Nachman of Breslov

Shabbat Shalom!

Missed a day

"Progress lies not in enhancing what is, but in advancing toward what will be."

Kahlil Gibran

After basically sitting around the house doing very little for over two weeks, getting back to work and putting in a full 8 hour day was a treat. It was also exhausting.Here's a cautionary PSA that I haven't heard from those in the know,the muscle memory that we depend on to do what we normally do on a daily basis, will need some time to kick in once life gets back to normal.

Yesterday, I began delivering meals to 432 seniors in our community.

I had anticipated I would need about 4 hours to get this done. So much for having a plan.

Without sharing the blow for blow details,my 4 hour day turned into 8 plus hours.

By the time I looked up,it was time to start thinking about getting dinner together.

It was a welcome change to the malaise that has crept in during this enforced shutdown.

After dinner I spent an hour or so prepping for the next day's run.

It was right in the middle of this ,that the caterer who prepares the meals called and said he had no driver for tomorrow and asked if I could pick everything up from him.

Before I was finished with day 1, I found myself an hour or more behind schedule for the next day.

In an attempt to mitigate the toll day 1 had taken on me, I went to bed at 9,falling asleep a little after 10.

Of course,my body is not used to this after getting more rest in the recent passt than I have ever had during my adult life.

2:30 in the morning and I find myself wide awake.

The tough part is, by 6, I need to be up, showered and making my way towards starting my day.

Instead of tossing and turning and trying to force sleep upon myself ,something that I have learned is just impossible,I decided to use the calm and quiet of 3 a.m. to write,a task that completely eluded me on what turned out to be a very full day.

In retrospect, it was nice being to busy to write yesterday.

Nic for one day that is. I don't want to make a habit of that!

Hopefully, things will go a little bit smoother today.Actually,I am sure they will. As they will every day moving forward.

It was a good day. It felt good to be useful again. I didn't have time to get angry at the imposed imprisonment we are being subjected to.

It feels even better to be grabbing a few quiet minutes to write as well. The rest of the house is asleep. The world outside is still. And for a brief moment in time, I feel like I have a purpose to my life once again.

Nothing in the world beats that feeling for me.

Have an awesome day.

Out of my Mind or completely Mindful?

" Delight in imperfection and you'll be constantly delighted."

-- doug smith

I am taking an online course on Mindfulness. I have reached the halfway point and obviously I will have plenty of time on my hands to finish up,probably by this time next week.

After my rantings yesterday, I caught myself wondering if in fact any of what I am learning is sinking in. Admittedly, I kind of lost it a bit when I wrote to you last.

I asked myself was I out of my mind or in fact was I being completely mindful.

After deliberating this mentally for the better part of the day yesterday, I have come to the understanding that in fact, I was being as mindful as I can be.

Mindfulness is not about quieting the mind. It is allowing the mind to go where it needs to go.

My tirade and histrionics were exactly what I needed to allow my innermost thoughts to reach the surface. Some folks meditate.

Others do yoga. Some take long walks or long runs.

These are all meditative tools.

Tools that help one reach a state of meditation.

Meditating and meditation are not the same. One is an act,the other a state of being.

My meditating tool is writing.

It opens the doorway to reflection and thoughtfulness for me.

Before writing early yesterday morning, I had spent a number of hours fitfully trying to get some sleep. After I wrote, I took a relaxing shower and fell into a deep, albeit much abbreviated sleep.

So I'll keep wring.

And hopefully,you'll keep reading.

That would be awesome!